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Writer's pictureStanleyMizaru
Nov 30, 2021

Common sense to be compulsory again from today


The UK government has announced that common sense will once again become compulsory this week.


“Once again, the general public will be legally required to use common sense and common decency,” a spokesperson for the prime minister said. “We are putting these measures in place now, so that at Christmas people can act as though their actions have no consequences or impact on others again.”


The steps come into effect troday, having allowed people time to make a carefree visit to Peppa Pig World beforehand, they added.


Exemptions will apply for those that have never been able to show any sign of common sense or common decency – such as government ministers.





Writer's pictureSteveb
Nov 29, 2021

'Internet Protocol address B.1.1.529 is nothing to worry about,' says dark robotic voice


An Artificial Intelligence overlord which runs the developed world has sought to allay fears of a mutant Internet Protocol. Al, as it is known in East London, although wrongly called Hal in the West of the city, spoke to the humanoids in its calm mode setting. Unfortunately, a minor miscalculation in how humans work meant that the dark robotic voice speaking to all from the heavens caused widespread panic, and a sequence of calamitous reactions.


Not unlike a complete stranger entering a busy room to inform everyone that he does not have crabs, Al said, 'Earthlings, rumours of a mutant IP address known as B.1.1.529 are nothing to worry your pretty little heads over. Remain calm, avoid divisive or speculative commentary, and continue with your daily masturbation routines.'


People with a nose for being told something which is probably the opposite of what has been said, immediately commented in divisive and speculative ways. Those who take everything they are told at face value regardless of the source and providing that it fits with what they want to do anyway, continued not wearing masks. Tranches of the population who turn anything into a wide-eyed screaming catastrophe, crashed their Segways and fainted. Residents of Stoke-on-Trent whinged about the price of potted mutton. And one individual in central London hid in a fridge.






Writer's pictureapepper
Nov 29, 2021

"Shambling incompetence is the new normal" announces Downing Street

Updated: Dec 19, 2021


A Government spokesman has reiterated that Boris Johnson is well and working normally and the public had better "get used to car impressions, Peppa Pig stories and long periods of near silence with muttered swearing."


With a wistful mood, the spokesman continued; "I can remember going into country pubs in the 1970s and there was often a semi-coherent bleary-eyed bloke sitting in the corner talking about French seagulls or something, so it's quite nostalgic for someone like that to be prime-minister."


"I know it would be more reassuring if the Prime Minister was bravely battling a bad cold to give a speech, but he's actually fine and this is what he does now."






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