Hedgehogs prepared for yet another winter lockdown

With autumn now upon us, hedgehogs across the UK are being asked to self-isolate for up to six months.

Hedgehog Professor Giles Sonic said: 'No doubt there's a bumpy road ahead, but we need to flatten the curve and avoid another spike.'

Lake District housewife Mrs Tiggy-Winkle said that her family had faced this sort of lockdown many times before and were used to self isolating.

On the prickly subject of stockpiling, she had been gathering material for some time. 'I've been making a pile which leaves me comfortable. There's enough grub on the table, and I can curl up with a discarded Chris Packham paperback. I think we need an exit strategy, though. It's a wake-up call.'

Professor Sonic conceded this point, but concluded: 'We'll go under that bridge when we come to it.'

Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Fotos

Cast of It Ain't Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.

After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain't Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.

The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.

A new version of the song "Meet the Gang" will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.

Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, "Whispering Grass", now titled "Rationing Gas", with Davies occasionally asking motorists "to show them lovely shoulders".

A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK's major supermarkets.

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

Particularly slow news day for right-wing press	Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours	Djokovic is seen clicking his heels together & repeatedly saying 'There's no place like home'