Planet Earth to be recycled

The Elders of the universe will be upcycling the Earth into a 'show planet'. Junior Elder Bob Nelly told local news service Galactic Associated Press, 'The humans have nearly finished with the planet. When they've finally destroyed all life on it including themselves, then it will be automatically reclassified as secondhand junk in accordance with universe regulations.'

'The Elders had a council meeting last Thursday, and it was agreed that we can't just have another dead planet hanging around looking very sorry for itself in the cheap end of the galaxy. As is the policy these days, when planets are finished with, we now try to recycle them into something useful. Or at least pretty looking.

'We're very pleased to announce that Earth will get some fancy new silver rings, and a smashing new purple and orange paint job. That's what is in fashion at the moment and we think it will look both very snazzy and quite trendy.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/qimono-1962238/

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Basic Clocks Startled At Being Forced To Lose An Hour

Inexpensive battery powered clocks all across the land are being startled this morning by being hastily pulled down from their usual vantage point, having their round button which attaches to their delicate hard-working hands wrenched backwards and then being replaced without so much as a dusting or a thank you for your service.

The kitchen clock with a jolly design of vegetables was first to experience this indignity. It hopes the person that twiddled its settings will be inexplicably hungry an hour before dinner this evening. Shiny black and silver sitting room clock which doesn’t even have minute segments was shocked to descend from the usual place and be twisted into the past. It hopes that the sun shines on its glass later, making it unreadable. Spare bedroom clock with the loud tick was the last to be fumbled with. It plans to keep future guests awake with a slightly louder tick than normal until they crack and put it in the wardrobe.

The infrequently worn Casio calculator watch smirking on the sideboard was pleased at having escaped having his buttons mashed and looks forward to causing time based confusion soon. The iPhone which was used as the definitive guide to the correct time enjoyed the tour of the house and congratulated itself on already knowing of the hour to be lived twice.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

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England Euro 2016 Squad 'copied from Panini Sticker Album'

England manager Roy Hodgson admitted today that his Euro 2016 squad was copied straight from the double-page England spread in the popular Panini Euro2016 Sticker Collection.

Speaking at a press conference at the formal squad announcement, Hodgson announced: ‘These guys at Panini have been doing it for 30 years, they know football inside out.’ ‘I looked at the 20 England players they had selected for the album, and although there were a couple of names I didn’t recognise, mostly they were spot on. It was as good as anything I can come up with.’

An avid Panini sticker collector himself, Hodgson indicated that he had already completed most of his album, including all the England page, and had at least 10 swaps of Luke Shaw.

When challenged that at least four of the players listed on the England pages were injured and would miss the Euros, Hodgson defended his decision arguing, 'I have to balance injury considerations alongside the aesthetic feel of my Panini album, which would suffer if players listed didn't actually travel to the tournament.'

Hodgson also asked if anyone could help him with a swap of Berat Djimsiti of Albania (number 70), as this was still a ‘need’ for him.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/milldesign-40702/