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A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.
‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.
Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.
‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.
NASA's Perseverance rover has discovered a Starbucks coffee shop on the surface of Mars, in the clearest indication yet that the red planet has been home to life willing to pay ridiculous prices for hot drinks.
"This is a startling discovery that proves Mars has hosted life. And not just any life, but life intelligent enough to take a cup of coffee, give it a fancy name and charge an extortionate price for it in order to exploit less intelligent life." said Ken Farley, chief scientist for the project.
"Unfortunately this may well be where our mission ends, as Perseverance, in an attempt to secure samples, purchased a Venti caramel java chip frappuccino and a small chocolate brownie, pushing us massively over budget."
A spokesman for Starbucks explained that, while they were not personally aware of the company having locations on other planets, the news was not a surprise.
"Perseverance landed on Mars around seven months ago. In line with our aggressive expansion policy I would expect at least one or two new stores to have opened up there in that time. The only real shock is that it has taken this long for it to find one."
Shortly after discovering Starbucks the rover also sent back images of a Costa, McDonald's and four separate Subway stores.
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