You can return to the office- you just won't have the petrol to get home

Reports suggest that fuel shortages are part of a wider strategy to ensure the UK's workers remain at their desks. Other policies to ensure you stay at work include hiding your shoes, locking all the doors and putting superglue on your keyboard.

A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Petrol rationing will allow you to get into the office, but no further. Once you’ve arrived, large elastic bands will be tied to the back of your vehicle. Your tires will be let down. And we’ll be hurling your car keys into a nearby canal.’

To stop workers demanding flexible working hours, the government is bringing in inflexible travel conditions: ‘Ever wondered why offices have their lights on at night, it’s to fool you into thinking it’s still daytime. A shortage of petrol? After sleeping in office for a week, I’d be more worried about a shortage of socks’.

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Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

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Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage

Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.

Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.

Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”

“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.

“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”

Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.

The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…

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