Raab to go by the weekend.....back to Crete.

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Man celebrates after beating 'going the wrong way through Ikea' world record

A Daventry man was celebrating today after beating the world record time for going from an Ikea checkout all the way back to the entrance area.

Pete McBride, 44, achieved a new world best mark of 2 hours 22 minutes for the 'going against the traffic' feat, after fighting his way through heavy crowds and trolleys heading fatally towards him in his local Ikea, as well as blatantly ignoring the one-way arrows painted all over the floor.

The record was all the more impressive, as the record was achieved at peak time on a Saturday afternoon when the store was rammed, compared to previous best times which have all taken place at 'altitude' conditions of 9am on a Monday morning when stores are nearly empty.

'I didn't go with the intention of breaking the record', admitted McBride. 'I'd just gone in with my son to pick up a few essential Lacks and Billys for him to take to University.'

'But then we got to the checkout and I realised we'd forgotten a few odd sized and quirkily-named airtight containers back near the start of the store. My son offered to go back, but he's got his whole future ahead of him. I know it should be me. I had my trainers on, so I did a few stretches, took some deep breaths and gave it a go'.

'Things started off ok. It was busy, for sure, with plenty of dawdlers, and the usual hazards of people staring at Pax units, ludicrously imagining some kind of brighter, clutter-free idyll', continued McBride. 'By the time I got that overpowering reverse-waft of meatballs at the cafe at the half-way point, I knew the record was on.'

'I did have a close shave when I collided with someone manically opening and closing the drawers of a Hemnes cabinet. I'm sure those guys are planted there in every store', continued McBride. 'I also had to use one of the pretend toilets in their mocked up apartments back near the start too. There were no bog rolls unfortunately so I had to use one of those little pieces of paper that you write the warehouse locations of your items on. I had to tell a family to give it 15 minutes before they went back in there.'

After beating the record, McBride and his son were able to do a lap of honour of the store - in the right direction, of course - and they celebrated by picking up a few packs of tea-lights and some light bulbs that they weren't sure would fit into any lamps that they owned.

McBride now has his sights set on achieving the elusive Triple Crown of 'reverse' retail store feats, never held simultaneously by the same person. Alongside the 'going the wrong way through Ikea' record, this includes the 'Slowest full-trolley Aldi checkout' (currently 2 minutes 25 seconds) and the 'Longest time after entering Oak Furnitureland before you get approached for a sale' (currently 0.02 seconds).

World Leader Constantine III issues warning on troop withdrawal

Roman Emperor Constantine III briefed reporters today on the planned troop withdrawal from Britannia.

He said:- “We are proud have having brought peace and civilisation to an island full of pagan euro-sceptics.

However, with the current Empire balance of payments crisis, we can no longer afford to spaff 10m denarii a year up against Hadrians Wall, even if it does keep out the very worst of the barbarians.

When we leave, Britannia must not become a breeding ground for terrorism, or heaven forbid badly behaving football supporters.

I called a meeting of Cobra but it just hissed and tried to bite me. I intend to recall the Senate to approve my decision. Ha ha only joking – they will do whatever I tell ‘em.”