NASA confirm Bezos & Branson are first men to reach the complete waste of space

NASA’s Senior Director of Space Stuff, Hank Schitzler, has confirmed that the billionaires recent day trip into space was nothing more than one trivial step for mankind.

‘The idiots only went 53 miles up for fucks sake, and just because they wanked around with floating piss bubbles for ten minutes doesn’t mean they are astronauts in any shape or form. Space doesn’t officially start until 62 miles from earth, and by our precise satellite computerisations, all they reached was the complete waste of space. It’s so pointless we don’t know what to do with it. I mean, you can’t plant a flag in it or even play golf, for that matter. Goddam cocksuckers’.

Director Shitzler produced various coloured charts, graphs and reams of data to show that comedians hosting launches, Cowboy hats, and ridiculously permed hair do not form part of official astronaut training.

Image: SpaceX-Imagery/Pixabay

Angry viewers slam Sky Sports over its Open Golf coverage

Satellite broadcaster, Sky, has come under fire today from angry viewers incandescent with rage over its coverage of this year's Open golf championship.

One subscriber called a radio phone-in show, on nutters' favourite network, LBC, to complain. Richard Black, a xenophobic bigot from Canvey Island told Nick Ferrari: 'I have become accustomed to Sky's coverage and really like the way they do things. Their golf coverage is normally so much better than when that BBC loony lefty lot used to show it.'

But today has really annoyed me. There's far too much golf being mixed into the normal wall-to-wall gambling, money-lending and insurance adverts. If I wanted to see that amount of golf then I'd have gone to Carnoustie and stood there gawping at it myself. I'm missing Ray Winstone's over the top Cockney rasp. The wife loves them little Muskrats even though they ain't British.'

And roulette enthusiast Arthur Meadowes agrees: 'It's been awful. I have been trying to see what odds I can get on two flies climbing up a wall and it's just golf golf effing golf! Potentially I've gone and saved myself a fortune now. It's a bloody disgrace. '

Meanwhile bookies, Paddy Power, is offering to pay Sky an undisclosed sum if they 'tone down' the golf content for the remainder of the tournament and go back to its usual sports to adverts ratio; normally 98%-2%

Image: 22563/Pixabay

UK's most popular holiday destination 2021 revealed: the M5 southbound

It has been revealed that almost the entire population of the UK is holidaying on the M5 southbound this summer. Many families are enjoying a full two week break in queuing traffic, before briefly popping to Cornwall to enjoy some crowds and rain for twenty minutes. After this, most immediately begin their second holiday of the summer - on the M5 northbound.

Tony and Carol were originally planning to take their three children to a static caravan in Cornwall but quickly realised an M5 holiday was the best option: 'It was a no-brainer' explains Tony 'firstly, the caravan was going to cost about £20k a week due to high demand. Secondly, looking at the journey time, we were going to average around 1 mile an hour on the way down. So it only made sense to turn the journey into our holiday. It's been brilliant. We've had great fun pissing on the side of the road and the kids have learnt some new assertive hand gestures'.

Carol isn't as positive about the experience: 'I can't believe I'm spending my summer holiday queuing on the M5. I told Tony we should holiday in a queue at Heathrow instead but he wouldn't listen. The kids haven't even had an ice-cream at the services yet, Tony said the queues are too long'.

Image: blende12/Pixabay