Study reveals difference between self-absorbed narcissist and slackers

A study carried out by Nottingham University has revealed that people who spend hours and hours in front of a mirror working on their body image look marginally better than those who couldn’t give a toss.

A survey of 30-40 year old men who spent over an hour each morning showering, applying oil and charcoal cleanser to their skin, preening their facial hair and working on the perfect fade tended to look slightly better than those who had a quick shower, dragged a comb through their hair, applied some Lynx roll-on deodorant and gargled with a bit of Listerine.

Likewise women who spend hours getting their eye liner and blush just right looked better than those who simply used a wet wipe or a damp cloth to freshen up in the morning.

‘For men body shape is everything….but not all men can work on a building site or want to become a farm labourer….some of them are system analysts or software engineers or work at Subway ….so for them it’s all about working out at the gym and getting the right steroid regime.

It’s very important that they look like the cool guy off Love Island ….even if they do send their working day plastering mayo and beetroot on a tuna melt …..for them there’s nothing like having the whitest teeth on the dance floor at Legend’s nightclub or the most buffed guy buying grouting mix in B&Q.

And they might just be up a ladder cleaning the gutters or fishing a dead bird out of the drainpipe….but which singlet do you wear…..all these things matter to the fashion conscious and self aware.

And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want their dentists assistant to look like she just walked off the set at a Paris fashion shoot or was auditioning to be the love interest in the next Bond movie’.

Astonishing results.

Our next study will be trying to find out why attractive young men and women always seem to fall for older partners with pots of money. We think the findings might astonish some people'.

Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund

Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their 'once in a lifetime' holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there's no sign of a refund in sight.

'We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,' said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had 'backfired a little' as he ended up paying £30 a month more. 'But I did get Sky Sports added,' he said.

'We normally make sound decisions - we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,' he said.

When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. 'Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before - no point spending money on something you'll never need,' he said.

Woman posting about being too busy not too busy to post about how busy she is

Modern day hero Laura Smith, dubbed 'Britain's busiest woman', has posted a series of social media updates explaining in detail how incredibly busy she is. Her latest post read 'OMG sorry if I'm slow replying to msgs I'm CRAZY busy - send help & wine LOL!!' before going on to explain she has to attend a lunch with a friend, a hot yoga class, book her BMW in for an MOT and get her eyebrows waxed. She finished up the post with #sleepisfortheweak #cantstopwontstop.

Many have called her a 'martyr' and a 'role model'. Her oldest friend Cara explains: 'She's always been like this. Never too busy to stop and tell us how busy she is. Even at primary school I remember her making this speech about how busy she was with PE, English and Maths that day. Of course, we all were, but coming from Laura it was inspirational. We gave her a round of applause.'

Laura is planning to start a blog detailing how busy she is in even greater depth, with updates to include how many unread emails she has and how many items are on her to-do list.

Laura's partner Paul is in awe of her resilience and strength: 'She's amazing, every day when I get back from a twelve hour shift at the hospital, she finds the time to talk to me about how busy she is. I try to stay awake for those three or four hours but often succumb to sleep which I feel terrible about. Occasionally I do try and tell her how busy I've been at work, with the dangerous staff shortages and overwhelming number of critically ill patients, but she's understandably too busy.