Protest at ban of shitty fingered "anti-hand washers" from finger-food buffet

People who refuse to wash their hands after shitting are protesting for being denied access to finger-food buffets, in countries fortunate enough to offer free hand washing.

Finger-food buffet organisers note that while different hand washing detergents offer different risks and benefits, all options are better than eating with shitty fingers.

One protester said "of course we should have the choice to not wash our hands after shitting, my hands my choice, but how dare people not make us welcome to share finger foods with them at their private functions, it's like sticking two shitty fingers up to freedom"

Sunner

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Employees who murder their boss 'more likely to be promoted'

Killing your boss may be a better career move than sucking up to him, a new study by a leading recruitment think tank claims. 'Anyone seriously interested in advancing their career should be investing in a meat cleaver or a length of lead piping,' said Glen Pattison of Recruitment Strategies Institute. An ounce of blunt instrument is worth a ton of hard work and sycophancy.'

Office manager Greg Linney, 38, of Northampton, agrees as his career is flying and his obnoxious ex-team leader is now encased in concrete under his patio. 'Laughing at his jokes and letting him win at golf just wasn't working out,' said Linney 'so I invited him back to my place 'for a few cans' and I haven't looked back since. Before I knew it I'd got his job and his nice office, away from that annoying hum of the printer.'

Meanwhile, Rob Peasley of Leicester considers himself 'the Ted Bundy of career advancement'. Having killed and dismembered two of his superiors in the NHS trust where he worked, he was later snapped up by a leading IT company. However, he warned that getting to the top is much harder in the private sector. 'I had to hold my new boss's head under water for a lot longer - they have that survival instinct you'd don't find in the pampered nationalised industries,' he explained.

For people who feel squeamish about committing homicide for the sake of a salary increase, Pattison advised them to spend four to six hours per day playing bloodthirsty video games to desensitise themselves. 'When I started work here, I was barely able to swat a fly. But after staying up all night playing Decapitation Derby in my basement for six months, I soon made short work of my annoying prat of a supervisor. I still use his left testicle as a paperweight.'

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Witch King of Angmar condemned by orc rank and file

The Witch King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, has been condemned by Lugburz Grishnakh - leader of the Orc Federation as "Useless and not representing the interests of our members" Mr Grishnakh, representing orc and cave troll rank and file said "He has lost the confidence of the federation. The proposed increase in man-flesh allowance to seven kilos a day is nothing less than an insult"

Speaking from his office in Barad-Dur yesterday, the Mouth of Sauron asserted that "The Witch King has demonstrated time and time again his commitment to the orc force but he can't give what he doesn't have. Seven kilos of man-flesh is more than most people are getting. Don't forget Mordor has just faced the biggest crisis in unliving memory. We don't have a magic man-tree you know"

The Witch King, widely seen as a divisive, bullying, tyrant with no moral compass, no inter-personal skills and very little understanding of anything at all, responded to reporters, saying "Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss", before mounting his government-issue giant reptile type thing and flying off.

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