Northerners believed to be targeted by Pegasus Pieware

Pegasus pieware is a pieware that can be covertly installed in pies to detect who exactly has eaten them. The pieware is capable of collecting passwords and location tracking.

It was discovered three weeks ago by Eddie Fazackerley, a furloughed organic hobnailed boot designer from Wigan. Mr Fazackerley noticed a failed installation attempt on his beef and potato iPie.

‘If that pieware had fully exploited my security vulnerabilities and obtained unrestricted access to the filling, there’s no telling the havoc it would wreak.

Luckily I managed to pour on my gravy in the nick of time, which seemed to neutralise its operational parameters and stop it infecting my pie’.

A spokesperson for Mi6 said it was the most sophisticated remote pie attack ever, and that in-depth analysis confirmed that the pieware was being widely used against Northerners.

‘Clearly, whoever is behind all this wants to find out who has eaten all the pies, and we’d recommend that all Northerners protect themselves by also eating all the gravy’.

Image: stevepb/Pixabay

Middle class meltdown as Waitrose closes stores

Many of Britain’s middle class have been placed on suicide watch following yesterday’s news that Waitrose is to close seven of its supermarkets. Conchita Marquez-Pommeroy, a devotee of the Waitrose brand who lives in Kensington and does all of her shopping with the retailer said: ‘This is very concerning development and although thankfully our local store is safe for now.’

‘Roger my husband told me he doesn’t want to have to source his Duchy Original product ranges online, as he is perfectly happy for me to pay ridiculously over the odds just to retain the convenience of being able to pop them, ever so easy-peasy into my trolley in-store.’

Already there have been reports of panic buying and widespread hoarding from customers whose local branches are closing, with stocks of Quail eggs, Shiitake mushrooms, Iberico ham and Nduja sausage said to be running perilously low.

One tearful shopper, speaking this morning from behind the wheel of her BMW X6 as she waited for the doomed Marlow branch to open sobbed: ‘What a betrayal, what a kick in the teeth this is. And talk about rubbing our noses in the dirt! As if it’s not bad enough that they’re closing our store… I have found out that it’s being sold to… L-L-L-L Lidl.’

However, not all are despondent at the news. One estate agent, who asked for his name to be withheld, said that business has boomed since the news emerged. ‘Affected people are desperate to move to the catchment area of a Waitrose that is saying open,’ said Colin Purple-Bricks. ‘People whose branches are being closed or worse are really panicking. House prices have fallen by over 15% in some areas.’

Hat tip Mick Turate

Image: Harry Grout/Unsplash

Tom Daley wins gold in synchronized tube station diving

Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s submerged, rat-infested tube stations.

The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was introduced to take full advantage of Climate Change induced flash-flooding wherever it occurs.

Despite a packed station at Elephant and Castle, Daley saw off a late surge from the Chinese divers and dazzled judges with his trademark pike, which he managed to execute from a potentially dangerous static escalator.

However, the young diving wonder was left distraught after discovering that his Oyster Card was completely soggy and is no longer recognised by the purpose-built scanning devices.

“Naturally, I’m delighted to come first, especially after finding that jumping into water in a graceful fashion was having an adverse effect on my modelling career,” Daley told reporters as excess rainwater dripped from his muscular torso and the wind from a passing storm tossed his lustrous head of hair.

“My reverse tailspin off the roof of temporarily closed Pret a Manger had the judges salivating, not that you could tell due to the sheer volume of floodwater.”

“But to receive a perfect score of ten from the buskers was a career highlight. That said, they did do a pretty shit cover of Wonder Wall and I wasn’t going to part with my hard-won change for any fucker.”

“I just hope I can repeat this amazing feat when anthropogenic global warming exceeds two degrees C, the Hammersmith Line reaches saturation point and Londoners’ commutes are regularly interrupted by taciturn floating corpses.”

On what was widely touted as a fantastic day for Team GB, Daley and partner Matty Lee’s success was not without a sour note.

The super-tanned, lithe embodiment of all that is wholesome about water added:

“Sadly, I’ve been fined £250 for performing a triple forward splash without a valid ticket to Tottenham Court Road.”