May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU

Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. 'At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,' said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. 'But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.'

Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed - and even more recently deputised - Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were 'fierce' before adding: 'Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn't like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn't any of my business.'

After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. 'We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.'

'We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,' Barnier continued. 'Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.' May was led away whilst mumbling 'Brexit means Boris'. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.

Image: Stux/Pixabay

Passport Control officials to re-train as nightclub bouncers

Following the news that nightclub attendees will need to show vaccine passports from the end of September onwards, immigration control workers are preparing to adapt their skills at refusing entry to people they don’t like the look of.

With fewer flights arriving in the UK than is customary in August, there was a real prospect of airports having sufficient staff in Passport Control to deal with demand. However, the re-training and subsequent redeployment of the majority of the department to nightclubs around the country will see a return to the customary inadequate provision and the usual delays of up to three hours.

These staff will be re-trained to scrutinise a different set of passport documentation than they are used to and then use their powers of discretion to admit attractive groups of girls out on a hen night, attractive girls with barely anything on, girls that may be less attractive but could be up for it, and maybe some young, weedy lads that they could punch into the middle of next week if they felt like it. They will also be trained to feel like it.

Queue mismanagement is one aspect of the job that will be very familiar to former passport control personnel. Many are used to having one official dealing slowly and painstakingly with the longest queue while four others are on duty in the fast-track route having a brief sociable chat with people as they breeze past. This will simply be replicated for the public entrance compared to the VIP and Mates of Doormen entrance.

Acting as bouncers is likely to come naturally to some officials already experienced at turning away disappointed applicants based on questionable motives. Others may need reassurance that wearing trainers is sufficient grounds for saying, ‘I don’t care what you say or who you are, it's up to me and I say you’re not coming in.’

Family shocked: 'We've got a bread maker?!?'

Despite the evidence to the contrary, the Begum family have denied all knowledge of the bread maker they have found at the back of one of their kitchen cupboards. The object in question, was discovered next to a series of other discarded items; a spiralizer, a waffle maker, a TARDIS centre console full of fruit and the NHS track & trace App.

Gathering dust, no one could remember purchasing said item, let alone using it. ‘When did we buy that?’ asked Dad. ‘Was it a deeply unromantic anniversary gift?’ quizzed Mum ‘Is it an old mobile phone?’ said one of the kids.

The Begums from Manchester, are not alone in wondering why they have an electric pepper grinder and what the hell is an avocado holder? What started as an attempt to clear out a cupboard, has now revealed enough space to a fit a spare bedroom, with an ensuite, which probably explains the TARDIS console, if not the fruit.

Remarked Mum: ‘It’s just another unwanted thing, taking up space in the kitchen’. ‘Just like me,’ agreed Dad. ‘Where do you put the SIM card?’ asked the kids, who had not been paying attention to any of this.