Parents remortgage house to pay for child's Sylvanian Families habit

Sara and Tom are parents to seven year old Ava and in May this year were forced to remortgage their house in order to fund Ava’s new-found hobby of collecting Sylvanian Families.

‘The problems started around her birthday’ explains Sara between sobs ‘she wanted the Adventure Treehouse and Walnut Squirrel Family…we agreed before we even checked the price – what idiots we were – but there was no going back, we couldn’t disappoint her on her birthday. So we ordered them from the Argos catalogue after securing a small bank loan. It all just escalated from there…before we knew it, she wanted the Log Cabin, the Caravan Playset with working oven and air con – then the Red Roof Country House with it’s its own lighting, plumbing and central heating system. By this point, we had maxed-out on all the payday loans we could get our hands on and fell into crippling debt. That’s when we knew we would have to remortgage the house’.

It is estimated that raising a child to 18 costs £150,000 with around £110,000 of that going on Sylvanian Families sets. A Deluxe Three Story Otter’s Town House will set parents back in the region of £100k. This is a large outlay for a single item, especially when you consider Otters don’t need a house, so you are roped into also buying a Canal Boat for their added comfort which they also don’t need because they are inanimate objects.

Seven year old Ava has a level headed approach to the situation: ‘Sylvanian Families were ok but I’m nearly eight now, so to be honest, I think Sylvanian Families are a bit babyish for me. I’m going to start collecting rare, vintage Barbies instead. So I need to let Mum and Dad know they will need to put the car on eBay and sell my younger brother on the dark web’.

Image: mitoller/Pixabay

Government to target victims of violent crime

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to target victims of violent crime in an effort to make UK neighbourhoods a safer place to live. The government has said that victims of knife crime and gunshot wounds will be tagged once they are discharged from hospital and anyone who has suffered physical violence will be ordered to stay at home so that local police officers can monitor their location at all times. Victims of burglary will have their remaining possessions confiscated so that they cannot be burgled again and anyone involved in an alcohol-related crime will have their Nectar points taken away.

‘The easiest way to tackle crime is to take potential victims off the street’ said the PM ‘this means anyone walking the street is clearly up to no good…..whether they be a career criminal, an opportunist thief or a member of an organised crime gang…they will be easier to identify by their freedom to come and go as they please. We are aiming for a 100% anti-victim tolerance levels....no victim of crime will be safe on our streets.'

Drug dealers will be forced to make home deliveries, making it easier for police to identify and prosecute drug users. Social behaviour will not be tolerated. All future bus shelters would come pre-vandalised, councils would be asked to scatter used syringes and broken glass around playgrounds to deter kiddies from playing on the swings and any remaining youth club would be forced to close although this last initiative has probably already happened.

Victims of on-line fraud and confidence tricksters would also be targeted by new legislation now going through parliament with some having their computers and mobile phones confiscated so that it could not happen again.

However, the PM was quick to assure close friends and family that the awarding of eye-watering contracts for doing nothing in return would largely be unaffected as it was not actually a crime.

‘

Schoolchildren are particularly vulnerable to criminal activity and bullying on their way to school every day. So the answer to that particular problem is obvious……..I don’t think I need explain it to you do I? I have already notified our developer friends in the building industry about what will happen next. They have already donated millions to party coffers and we haven't even closed our first playgroup yet'.

Image: ShepherdMedia/Pixabay

Crimestoppers hit by gobstoppers

Crimestoppers’ campaign to attract younger informants by offering free gobstoppers has 'bockfried’ according to its CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Wore delsuhed wish gogshoppers an ish haulding bock our walk,’ he commented. ‘The pobom is theshe kids ahre phobing in to roport crimesh boct thore onintelligible ccosh they have got mauves foll of gogshockers we our shelves has hambid oup.’

It’s understood that Mr Smythe and his team have tried to diminish their pile of donated gobstoppers held at Crimestoppers HQ with a concentrated sucking campaign, which has led to call centre workers and those that call them having conversations neither can understand.

Mr Smythe said: ‘This hash memp a pershect shtorn, cobbubications wives, wiv urshent crimesh mishreforted.’ The problem has been compounded by the fact that the 480 kilos of gobstoppers that Crimestoppers thought were a charitable donation were actually stolen with, say Crimestoppers, ‘the intention of pervorting the cosh of juss pish’. This has led to the organisation launching a nationwide helpline to catch the confectionery thieves. Mr Smythe said ‘anygun wish informashoh shoub call ush om: oh aitch humbled aitch fibe nibe five. I’ll repeach that oh aitch humbled aitch fye nibe fibe’.

Image: spazchicken/Pixabay