Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter

Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our 'big fat, sausage fingers'. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply 'further away' than first thought.

Said one food scientist: 'It's all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK's diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown's pocket that is Boris Johnson's mouth - see, it now looks as teensy as the UK's economic growth.'

Some insist that Toblerone's mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury

True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: 'If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.'

Image: AlexandreStein/Pixabay

Coldplay acquisition of Mr. Whippy in meltdown

Sources in the City of London have indicated the multi-million pound takeover of ice-cream purveyors Mr. Whippy by dinner-party pop princes Coldplay, is in full meltdown.

After responsibly ending touring to reduce their impact on the planet’s mental health, the band, well singer/songwriter Chris Martin, is now witnessing society open-up to allow live performances in front of large crowds and is feeling a bit left out. It is believed this yearning for a return to mass exposure was the catalyst for the band, well Chris, to launch a ferocious buyout bid to secure Whippy and its extensive fleet of ice-cream vans.

Spokesperson for the band, Tom Goldsmith, explained: ‘Ice cream sellers have traditionally attracted customers to their vans with catchy tunes, like: Colonel Bogey, Greensleeves, and the Captain Pugwash sea shanty everyone tries to jig to when pissed. The band, well Chris, thought they could broadcast their music from Whippy’s vans, albeit in a non-lyrical jingle form, to hundreds of thousands of people who would otherwise choose not to listen, but are forced to because they want an ice-cream.”

Music wasn’t the only thing Coldplay wanted to give the public a taste of; Maurice Barr, publicist for Mr. Whippy, added: “It further transpired, the band, well Chris; being in competition with ex-wife, Gwyneth, wanted to sell his own brand of vegan ice cream, with flavours like: ‘This Tastes Like My Vagina But With A Flake In It’ and ‘This Ice-Cream Is Organic And Green, But Not As Green As My All-Consuming Envy’. The board at Whippy were none too pleased, the takeover was off.

According to sources in the City: the band, well Chris: despite biting-off more Whippy than he can chew, suffering financial brain-freeze, and having rejection sauce dripping off his chin, is next planning a buyout of Royal Mail. Subject to the ability of posties to whistle a dreary tune, of course.

Image: Sprinter914/Pixabay

British public completely baffled over what exactly JPN stands for

'We haven't a clue', said Pauline Tennant, a 43-year-old grandmother from Romford. 'We were up all night but couldn't work it out. The nearest we could get was Jalapeno pepper, although Kylie, my eldest, thought it might be Japonica'.

The BBC switchboard has been inundated with calls from viewers demanding to know what exactly JPN stands for. Deputy Diversity Switchboard Chief, Nigel Mugford, admitted they'd been caught out.

'Our £3.6bn viewer modelling contraption predicted a small surge in calls during a large pointless sporting event, but nothing on this scale. We've had to recruit hundreds more switchboard operators to cope with the demand. I can only apologise to all our viewers, and I've promised our new Director General that there will be a full internal investigation'.

'JPN is certainly something of a mystery and has caught people's imagination. Interestingly we've had no problems with people working out what BRA stands for.'