Highway Code updated for cyclists

Following many years of debate about how cyclists should behave, and how other road users should respond, the Department of Transport has decided to revise the nation’s best read guidance on road use

The new rule changes include the following:

• To avoid confusion about whether cyclists should ride on the road or pavement, they are now allowed to cycle on both. Additionally, they can also ride on bridleways, and through shopping malls, shops, car homes and schools. So, no more confusion

• The traffic light system has also been updated. A red light for traffic now officially means cyclists can travel through without looking. Similarly, a red traffic light for pedestrians also means cyclists can cross the road without looking. This has symmetrical elegance in law, but in practice changes nothing

• A new range of hand signals is to be made official too. If a single finger is displayed by a cyclist, this means “fuck off it’s my road”. If the same signal is shown by a motorist to a cyclist, it means “please drive in front of me like a twat”. If a motorist holds his first finger to his thumb while waving, this indicates that the cyclists tyre pressure needs adjusting

• Priority at roundabouts is also to change. Basically, cyclists have priority, and fuck everyone else. This is current Government policy anyway

The latest Highway Code revision was signed off by the PM Boris Johnson, a cyclist

Hat tip nickb

Image: MichaelGaida/Pixabay

Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad

A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.

Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event ('he pulled out of that planche to handstand there') to tae-kwon do ('that's surely got to be a gam-jeon'?.'

'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, that's a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.

'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.

'By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.

'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repecharge'

Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay

RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage

The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’

The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.

Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.

The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.

Image: PBarlowArt/Pixabay