Met Office warns it could be hotter than the surface of the sun by Friday

Extreme temperatures are expected to reach the UK later this week forcing forecasters to issue an amber alert for parts of Margate and the remote Irish village of Ballyageddon.

'5600 degrees is nothing we can’t handle’, said Kevin Fullicks, a resident of Margate. 'It’s about time we had a decent summer’.

'I was a desert rat so I’m used to the heat. Admittedly this will be a different kind of heat, the kind that can vaporise your face off if you don’t take precautions. I’ve invested in 96 bottles of factor two million sun cream for the kids so they should be alright’.

The government has urged people to behave responsibly, not to venture outside under any circumstances and try to spend as much time as they can sitting in a bath of ice water.

Prince Harry publishing memoirs, in case we've forgotten about his stuff

After releasing a string of interviews, documentaries and filmed psychotherapy sessions about himself over the past year, Prince Harry has announced he will shortly be publishing his memoirs, entitled "Flogging A Dead Horse".

"The book will tell the public, for the tenth time over, how I went from being a confused, mixed-up kid to finding true purpose and happiness in my life, thanks to Meghan," said Harry at a press conference in Montecito as he cast terrified glances at his wife.

"I realise this takes quite a bit of explaining," he continued, "because up until a few years ago I was a happy, outgoing young guy and many people's favourite royal whereas now I am a miserable, self-obsessed shadow of my former self who is seemingly eaten up by anger and resentment. That all goes to show you the benefits of top-dollar psychotherapy, and having the love of a woman like Meghan."

Prince Harry is not the only man in the news to be writing his memoirs. Dominic Cummings will shortly be releasing an autobiography called "Flogging A Dead Boris" in which he tells us, for the tenth time over, that the prime minister is a vacuous, dead-brained puppet and that Carrie had no right to stop him pulling the strings.

"U N whose army?" More soon.

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