Pop world rocked by revelation that Dawn Butler was 6th Spice Girl

The music industry and pop fans all over the world have been stunned by the sensationalist news that Dawn Butler, the Member of Parliament for Brent, was the sixth Spice Girl.

Dawn B, codename Truthy Spice, was in the original Spice Girls line-up, but band manager Richard E Grant threw her out for being too honest and sincere. "She displayed levels of integrity we had never encountered before and was just too damn dependable. I told her to stop being factually correct all of the time or she was out. No one likes to hear that their middle name doesn't begin with E. We just couldn't take her being right and honourable any more, so I made her pack her bags and go and be an MP."

"It was such a shame she had to go," said a tearful Geri Halliwell recalling her close friendship with Truthy Spice. "Dawn B was the only one I ever really trusted. She had so much talent and could actually sing. She even wore that skimpy Union Jack dress better."

Former Posh Spice Victoria Beckham said, *pout*.

Scary Spice Mel B recalled, "Truthy Spice said that it would have been funnier if we had called that song Beaver Forever. And you know what? She was right. That's real girl power."

Husband's 'Ain’t No Sunshine When She's Gone' vow upsets double negative pedant

A seemingly innocuous attempt to participate in the popular ‘7 day song challenge’ went badly wrong for Telford hand-drier sales rep Steve Vickers yesterday, after his wife, Samantha, stumbled across his musical choices whilst catching up on her Facebook feed.

A stickler for the correct use of grammar, English teacher Samantha was aghast when she saw the Bill Withers classic “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone” as Steve’s choice for Monday accompanied by the words ‘Samantha – this is how I feel every time you walk out the door’.

‘If that’s how happy he feels, I’m surprised he doesn’t do a little dance as I head off for work each day’, said Samantha angrily. Tuesday’s entry served only to make things worse, however, with Steve pledging: ‘If me and Sam are ever apart, I couldn’t put it better than Diana Ross: “Ain’t no Mountain High Enough… To Keep Me From You”’. ‘Fan-bloody-tastic,’ posted Samantha in a private message to her best mate Nicola. ‘Valleys, rivers, mountains. Seemingly, the little shit would not be arsed to get over ANY of them to reach me.’

Wednesday’s entry proved no less upsetting however, with Steve posting: ‘Thanks to Sarah, my old college pal for suggesting this one. Every Thursday for 3 years at the Poly Bop…. “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction!"’. ‘Well, yes, as if I really needed another reminder that Sarah very clearly kept you happy throughout Uni’, texted Samantha to Steve. ‘Your best man Pete 'accidentally' drops it into the conversation whenever we see him. But every week…in a disco? Classy.’ Thursday and Friday’s entries provided little solace either, with Vickers opting for McFadden and Whitehead’s “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now”, and Marvin Gaye’s “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing”.

‘Pictures inside a frame, letters, memories. ALL of them just as much the real thing as our love, apparently’, said Samantha to a group of friends over a large glass of wine. ‘Out of his 7 songs, it was only his Saturday and Sunday choices that I actually liked – nice tunes, good upbeat tempos and both with the simple comment ‘From me to Samantha’. He’d gone for Queen’s “I Want to Break Free”, and “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe. Not sure of their exact significance or meaning though. Maybe they were the soundtrack to our Paxos trip in 2010 or something??’.

New nanoparticle still not small enough for Tommy Robinson violin

Following the news that true Brit, son of Irish Immigrants Stephen Yaxley-Lennon - better known to his puce-faced supporters as Tommy Robinson - has lost a £100,000 libel case brought by a Syrian Refugee, Materials Scientists at the Diamond Light Synchrotron in Oxfordshire have admitted defeat in developing a material capable of building a violin small enough to play in sympathy.

"After months of attempt to knit atoms together through manipulation via electrons, we cannot go any further," said Professor Kiaan Mukerjee, project leader. "We developed a new fibre, which we called PolyEDLer, and made it into a string one-millionth the thickness of a human hair that could vibrate at a perfect A-note. It was so quiet, even when connected to our first prototype instrument, that we had to send it to CERN in Switzerland to even determine it was generating sound. Even that was too loud to express the levels of sorrow we have for the worst thing to come out of Luton since the Vauxhall Cavalier."

Undaunted by their setback, Professor Muckerjee's team still hope there is a future for their new material. Work has already begun on forming the fibres into a weave that, it is hoped, could make a new fabric suitable for a variety of uses, least of which could be creating tiny pairs of socks, so that the former head of the EDL could finally buy a pair that fit. Unfortunately, with the likely cost of a pair to be in the range of thousands of pounds, it's not likely the diminutive bigot will be able to afford a pair any time soon.