UK's 'Freedom Day' decision passed to mixed Infants reception class

In what's being seen by many as a surprise move, last night Downing Street announced vacillating idiot and serial bridegroom, Boris Johnson, has passed the decision on whether Britain scraps all Covid 19 regulations on June 21st, to Bosher Street Mixed Infants Reception Class in Skegness.

A spokesman said: 'Let's face it, the kids are more likely to get this right than the PM. His record on handling the crisis has been woeful at every key stage so far. And what's more, if the sprogs screw it up… well then he's in the clear, isn't he?'

Insiders report having seen Chris Whitty, Patrick Vallance and Jonathan Van-Tam looking happier than they have done for months now, with one uncorroborated story claiming all three went out for a celebratory curry and few beers on hearing the news.

Class teacher, Miss Fiona Barnes (25) said: 'Gosh, we were certainly very surprised to be given such a weighty task to grapple with, but I think the children are equal to it. Many of them can count to ten already, while others have displayed an ounce or two of common sense. Yes, all in all, I'm sure we'll do the right thing for the nation.'

Mr Johnson was unavailable for comment, but one close source, speaking off the record said: 'He's much too busy to be bothered by Covid, as he needs every spare minute to get back in the saddle with his many dating sites. You know? Now the wedding's done and dusted and all that.'

Schoolchildren resolve to call all fat kids Freddy from now on

Following the news that Fatty from the Bash Street Kids is to be renamed Freddy, pupils have universally agreed that Freddy is now the nickname for all of their overweight classmates. Other insulting names for afflicted children are also being updated. For example, tall skinny kids will be called Larry instead of Lanky, kids with big ears will be called Davey instead of Dumbo, and smelly kids will be called Stevie instead of Stinko.

Educational Psychologist Elizabeth Clementine, who has a wealth of experience in counselling and diagnostic assessment with regard to name-calling in educational communities, explained that profound psychological damage can result from being given an insulting nickname in school. ‘But kids will always be truly horrible to each other and changing Speccy to Becky is unlikely to improve that,’ she added.

When asked whether children could learn not to be nasty to each other by adopting less insulting nicknames, Ryan from Year 7 said that he remains determined to be mean because it’s traditional. ‘I will still pick on thick kids even if I can't call them Lightning and have to call them Matt Hancock instead,’ he said.