Southgate selects 26 goalkeepers

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, attracted criticism yesterday, as he announced the final England squad for the delayed 2020 Euros, which now contains 26 goalkeepers.

'I simply selected the best 26 footballers in the land", the England manager declared, as he defended his selection policy. "If I could have picked 27, I would have done'.

The squad's makeup heavily favours Southgate's preferred 0-0-0 formation, and kit sponsors, Nike, have provided replica goalkeeper jerseys, shorts and Peter Shilton 'Stopmaster' gloves.

Football pundits are pointing to low scoring England fixtures, whilst UEFA is currently investigating Southgate's controversial 'White helmets' formation for penalty shoot-outs.

The biggest problem facing Southgate was finding enough English goalkeepers to fill the 26 places. Luckily he was able to scout the lower leagues, handing the 26th place to Colin Collinson (55), part-time shot stopper of Hampshire's Barton Stacey Academicals. Collinson narrowly edged out local rival Magnus 'Nutmeg' Nutmegson of rivals. Spartak Red Star Andover 1860, who qualified for England selection after renouncing his Icelandic passport.

'These are nice problems to have", Southgate told a hungover sporting press. "Obviously, there will be a lot of competition for the number 1 shirt, especially with 25 other goalkeepers, but I think Collinson stands a great chance of being the first name on the sheet, especially as the number one shirt is the only XXL garment in the kit bag.'

British holidaymakers jubilant as budget destination Mustique goes on green list

The nation's top toffs and celebrities paraded through the streets of Cobham, Surrey, yesterday in their be-spoke open-topped Bentleys, waving union jacks and singing Verdi’s ‘Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves’.

Impromptu street parties broke out along the high street as effervescent revellers quaffed Bolly by the bucketload and fine dined on red mullet with white Burgundy, accompanied by a violin solo. Re-enactments of famous Eton wall game finals excited the crowds, with memories of the 1787 trouncing of the French 330-0 (after extra-time), still fresh in the minds.

‘Jolly spiffing news, what!’ exclaimed Maj Gen Pilchard Davenport-Dawlish (retired). ‘Most of us have been up all night, blagging our villas on booking .com and taking advantage of the generous 10% discount for hyphenated names. The nation desperately needs a holiday after the over zealous Mr Shapps stopped us all from jetting off to Courchevel and enjoying a dash of off-piste skiing in the tree-lined Jardin Alpin area.'

'That makes my favourite beachside villa very reasonable for just £31600 for the week, and Toffjet is laying on special flights without all that ghastly quarantine or testing piffle. We’ve been warned of an influx of vulgar social influencers who apparently have the money to afford this sort of thing, which is why the first thing I packed was the 12-bores.'

New Super League to feature a competitive circle jerk

Europe's wealthiest clubs are proposing a breakaway league, based on the sporting principles of The Hunger Games. A select 12 clubs will repeatedly play one another, generating all the suspense of a sun rise or a Boris Johnson divorce.

Financial reward will replace competitive endeavour, with the winner calculated on their FTSE position. There will be no promotion or relegation, with the plan to slowly eliminate all goals for and against, so not to upset the markets.

Even in a small division of elites there will be losers, with Arsenal agreeing to get defeated 6-0 every week. Although Manchester Utd and City fans will experience travelling to exotic away games, on the other side of Manchester.

One TV executive explained: 'Its all about maximising viewing figures, so expect Barcelona vs Tyson Fury, Chelsea vs Spiderman and Real Madrid vs Mrs Brown's Boys'