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Dad has 'Best holiday ever' after beating SatNav by 3 minutes

A man has been left ecstatic after arriving at his holiday destination a whole 3 minutes earlier than his SatNav estimated.

'It has to be one of the best days of my life,' said Brian, a father of two. 'I planned the route for months. I printed off an array of maps and stuck them to the walls of my home office, a bit like one of those maverick detectives off the TV. I spent every evening pacing up and down circling the 'danger zones' - I knew the A30 could be congested around the M5 turnoff, and that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. I drove precisely 4 miles over the speed limit to shave off a bit more time and made my family urinate into an old bottle to save any toilet stops.

I couldn't believe it when we arrived at 2.33 pm when the SatNav had estimated 2.36 pm. Wow, what an achievement.'

Brian's wife Sheila says he has been building up to this for a long time: 'It's all he's been talking about these past few months, it's been bloody unbearable, I'm never going on holiday with him again. Don't tell him, but I put in the postcode of a place a few miles down the road into the SatNav, so he would think he had arrived earlier than expected. I thought that would be the end of it, but now he wants to beat his 'PB' on the way home. I'm considering divorce'.

Police apologise for referring to tattoos as 'distinctive'

A police spokesman has issued a public apology today for recent reports suggesting that certain suspects had 'distinctive tattoos'. ‘For example, we recently stated that a suspect wanted in connection with a triple murder had a distinctive spider's web tattoo on his neck. ‘It has been confirmed that this narrowed the list of suspects in the UK to around 500,000 people, predominantly male, many below the age of thirty-six and with an IQ of 90 or less.

He continued: ‘We now recognise that this tattoo is in fact 'de rigeur' for the younger age group and midwives are now trained to provide it on the NHS, if requested. We apologise to the individuals exposed to unnecessary upset who can actually read and the thirty or so call centre staff fielding the calls from the public.’

They have also agreed to stop describing butterflies, roses and at other assorted random flowers as distinctive. ‘A spot survey at ASDA revealed that 90% of women under the age of 95 had such tattoos, it's about as distinctive as having a head in this group,’ added the spokesman.

He confirmed that tattoos referring to ‘mum’ had been discounted for years, but said some tattoos are still to be referred to in public announcements, such as random Chinese menu selections masquerading as British names, specific percentages – ‘we're particularly keen to talk to a suspicious middle aged man with 97% tattooed on his arm’ - and any that include original one line jokes. ‘We don't get many like that,’ he lamented.