Cameron and Clegg to form 'sorry duet'

Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a 'duet' to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, 'Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word', 'Careless Whispers' and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.

The talented pair were convinced to put their solo singing careers to one side, after delighted fans overheard David Cameron rehearsing an old favourite by Dead or Alive; 'you spin me right round (like a record, baby)', with Clegg backing lustily in the House of Commons toilets. The Chief Whip admitted the pair had some artistic differences, but that they were made to be together. 'We have been trying to convince them to sing from the same hymn sheet for ages now. They have a huge fanbase, particularly among Labour back benchers'.

The coalition faithful are speculating wildly about the stage name the pair will play under, with 'No Direction,' 'The New Jonas Brothers', 'So Busted' and 'Colour me Blue' all being touted as favourites.

Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done

Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.

Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.

Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.

There's not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn't already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.

His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of 'why Hancock is a palm penis' for just the seven hours.

Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?

Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, "Fuck off, Hancock."

But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:

"Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, 'No, my cheese.'

Mumford & Sons guitarist quits to avoid being in Mumford & Sons

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