Personal Audio Device only plays politically-correct content: Sony Wokeman

GB News breaks World Record for use of word 'Woke'

Guinness were delighted to announce that the first evening of GB News has been awarded a world record for uses of the word "woke" in an hour.

Starting at 8pm with a monologue about their pride to be British from GB News Head Andrew Neil, filmed on a camera-phone from his house in France, the channel promised to rail against the woke agenda; giving the first of over 1100 uses of the key phrase.

Promising a voice for the voiceless, the centrepiece of the first show presented by former TalkRadio drivetime host Dan Wootton was an interview with 35-time Question Time guest Nigel Farage, which was replaced mid-way through by a pizza advert when viewers made it clear they desired something cheesy that irritated their stomach; but the former Brexit Party leader was a step too far.

Despite a series of technical issues on the first night, A GB News spokesperson was confident these teething troubles would abate in time, saying in a statement, "We're delighted to have been given our first award in only our second day of broadcasting. As a Great British news channel, we hope to set many more records over the coming days. We already have our eyes on the record for most utterances of 'I'm not racist but…' and the big one set originally by TV-am for most viewers lost in the first week of broadcasting."

Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU

The Prime-minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.

Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."