Blood donation questions to include political leanings

NHS Blood and Transplant has announced a change to their questionnaire for donors with updates that will improve safety for recipients of transfusions.

Potential donors will, from today, be asked if they are an active member of a political party. If so, the near-armful will be subject to further tests prior to release.

"It's important that we keep the donation process safe for all parties," Said Olivia Leach of NHSBT. "Children in particular are at risk of side-effects from certain components of adult blood. One adverse reaction last year where a paediatric patient suddenly developed an acute interest in Hedge Funds and pinstripe suits was traced back to a unit of blood that came from a Conservative Donor. Therefore, we're adding these checks to ensure nothing like that can happen again."

Other side-effects recorded in the last twelve months included an increased level of bickering with family members over trivial issues traced back to a Labour Party member and a belief everything was a mandate for Scottish Independence after receipt of SNP blood. No reactions were recorded from anyone receiving Liberal Democrat supporter blood, mainly because no-one would admit to being a member of the party.

Harrison Ford to appear in new abseiling movie: 'Clear and Present Dangler'. And others...

After being spotted on location last week in North East England, NewsBiscuit can exclusively reveal that A List Actor, Harrison Ford is also involved in a number of other reworkings of his classic movies:

An archaeologist no longer able to deliver lectures in person: 'Indiana Jones and the Temple, on Zoom'

A secretary from Surrey stands in for boss who has broken his leg in an abseiling accident: 'Woking Girl'.

A homicide Cop unable to pickup clues, despite them being blatantly obvious: 'Witless'

A dermatological movie of the famous: 'Star Warts'

Politically correct updates of classic Ford films: 'American Urban Expression Art', 'Indiana Jones and the Last Religious Pilgrimage', 'Indiana Jones and the Sacred Place of Doom'

Trump's disastrous Presidency told from the perspective of his stylist: 'Hair Farce One'

The fight to stop the only remaining gunboat gazebo from blowing away: 'Indiana Jones and The Lashed Crew Shade'

A Russian carpenter recruited to fit observation screens in submarines: 'K-19: The Windowmaker'

Replicant dies just 11 minutes before the 9 O'clock watershed: 'Blade Runner 20:49'

A man and his family forced to flee the apocalypse on a raft made of entomologically themed place mats: 'Mosquito Coasters'.

Expert but direct kissing lessons: Pucker lips now.

A thriller chiller sequel movie about a back garden voyeur: 'The Return of The Shed Eye'

A revamp of Irish twins' singing career: 'Return of the Jedward'

Observations of closet vacuum cleaners - 'Regarding Henry Hoovers'

A horror film about that weirdo who sleeps in the bottom bunk - 'What Lies Beneath'

An extremely generous bartender: 'Extraordinary Measures'

Al Opecia, SteveB, Sinnick, Lockjaw54, Max Stars

Film critic fails to find Brexit sub-text

A British arts critic reviewing forthcoming movie releases has discovered that there is just one new film that he cannot claim is an artistic comment on Brexit and Britain's place in the world.

Peter Connelly of The Observer had effortlessly explained the context of Aardman's 'Early Man' as a prehistoric Brexit parable, or the Churchill epic 'Darkest Hour' as the origin of the 'Britain alone' narrative that resulted in the Leave vote in 2016. He had even managed to pigeon-hole Paddington 2 as the positive case for immigration made against the 'reactionary noise of UKIP and Brexit.'

'But Phantom Thread starring Daniel Day Lewis has just got him defeated', explained his editor. He tried saying the 1950s fashion design story harked back to a golden age of Britishness that UKIP knew never really existed, but he knew in his heart this was a bit of a stretch. Then he tried writing that the story of the Belgian princess having her wedding dress designed in London was the director's comment on the value of European trade and co-operation. 'But Peter knew he still hadn't found the Brexit metaphor and he just broke down in tears and threw his laptop out of the window.'

Apparently the Leavers made a documentary called 'Brexit, the Movie', so we're just going to give him that to review next as part of his on-going therapy. He'll be busy on his DVD player for ages, trying to find if it comes with French subtitles.