F****** hopeless minister doesn't think he is 'f****** hopeless

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UK welcomes 'bonzer' boomerang deal

The new trade deal with Australia is set to put the British economy on a stellar course as the UK gets access to zero tariff kangaroos, boomerangs and digeridoos. It tried to swap Rolf Harris as part of the deal, but compromised by lowering food standards to kebab floor levels.

'It was a tough negotiation, but now we can export corks attached to hats for the first time, there's no stopping us,' said a member of the government negotiating team. 'Apparently they intend cutting the corks off and sticking them in bottles of murky chemicals labelled as wine. We even get out corks back as part of the deal,' he said.

British farmers are understood to be pleased that the UK will be awash with cheap, tasteless wine as part of the deal, as it will be all they will be able to afford to drown their sorrows as their industry is sold from under them.

Omega variant will make everyone incredibly sexy and give some people superpowers

Professor Chris Whitty has a slide he hasn't shown yet. It will be the last slide he ever shows. Shocking and surprising the press and everyone watching on TV at home, up will pop a nude photo of Linda Lusardi from 1983. Chris will panic and fumble and say, "My word... I don't know how that got in there."

But then he will turn and glare straight down the lens with a wry smile and the look of a man who really knows what's going on.

With the words, "No, stay on the same slide, please," a flashy animation will fade out Linda to reveal charts and graphs like we've never seen before. The data will show that the 'Omega' variant has mutated into a virus which spreads extraordinary symptoms.

Chris will explain that the Omega variant is the most transmissible one yet, but that it will turn anyone who contracts the virus in to the sexiest form their bodies have ever taken. Everyone will be "Well fit," and, "Ripped like a Bondi lifeguard." Everything will be toned and pert and eventually the entire population will be young-looking and achingly desirable.

But that's not all...

Some will develop superpowers like being able to get the lids off jars without straining every sinew. Many will be able to piddle straight standing up and hit the target every time. Some will be able to remember their passport numbers off by heart.

Best of all, though, everyone will develop X-ray vision and be able to see through anything. Especially fake news and reports from suspect media outlets.