Now available for free to download at Spotify (and other podcast platforms) or listen to it on YouTube - NewsBiscuit Podcast 3 - YouTube
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit. Host: Wrenfoe. Featuring Guests: DavidH, Max Stars, Mrs Wrenfoe & KatieWriteStuff. June 2021
Angry people across the UK have lifted their knuckles from the ground and demanded answers as to why there is apparently a shortage of carbon dioxide for drinks plants, when scientists and other lefties have been telling them for years that the world is getting hotter because there is too much of it.
‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Nigel Walker, two arms and a penis from Chelmsford. ‘The barman at the Fox & Geese tells us last night they’re going to run out of lager by the weekend if they don’t get some more of this CO-whatsit stuff delivered. Then all these ‘so-called experts’ are saying there’s more in the air than ever before. Someone’s got to be lying – stands to sense, dunnit?’
Manufacturers have warned that both beer and lemonade could be in short supply, leading to panic buying among World Cup watchers who fear that they may otherwise be reduced to drinking real ale and forcing the kids to have water. Many are angry that this is happening on the hottest day of the year so far, when carbon dioxide levels should be the highest if those ivory tower boffins had any common sense.
Professor Geoffrey Roberts of the University of York said: ‘Let’s do this slowly. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is completely separate from pressurised carbon dioxide, which is currently in short supply because of factory maintenance shutdowns and a peak in demand, which has … no, actually let’s not bother. Life’s too short.’
‘Tell you what, if you want to make your own, put a hose on the end of your car exhaust and sit inside it with the engine running. It smells lovely too. Strictly speaking that’s carbon monoxide but there’s only one oxygen atom’s difference and let’s face it, most people in Britain are oxygen thieves anyway.’
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.
The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.
On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’
‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’
