Confused Biden repeatedly refers to Queen as ‘Mom’

By Our Senility Correspondent, Mad King George

CORNWALL, ENGLAND – A clearly discombobulated President Biden addressed the Queen as ‘Mom’ throughout their hour-long luncheon on Saturday, Palace sources have confirmed.

Meeting as part of the G7 summit in Cornwall, Biden reportedly told the Queen, “It’s nice to see you, Mom. I’ve missed you these past few years.” The monarch was reportedly at a loss for a response.

Biden then took a seat on the throne and put his feet up on a corgi saying: “It makes me feel like a kid again. Do we have ESPN yet?” He then rummaged under the ermine and velvet-lined royal seat, seemingly in search of a remote control, and requested Her Royal Highness bring him a ‘sodie’.

“How’s pop?” asked the President awkwardly, before adding in a moment of clarity, “I mean Prince Albert. You can’t still be in mourning after 150 years, Vicky! Woah, we are not amused, eh?” At this point POTUS nudged Queen Elizabeth II in the ribs, winking outrageously.

“It was great to meet with my mom again, and so sweet of y’all to be here in my old backyard of Wilmington, Delaware,” Biden told reporters afterwards, gesturing grandly at the Boeings dotted about the tarmac of the Heathrow runway.

“In a lot of ways, she reminds me of the Queen of England – her faithfulness, her generosity, being Head of the Commonwealth. Plus, that apple pie she served was just like Her Majesty used to make.”

Remarked Queen Elizabeth, “At least Trump only walked in front of me.”

GB News to introduce news in semaphore

With the first four days of GB News blighted by technical and audio issues, as well as blatant false named being read out, the head of production for the fledging channel has now instructed all presenters to become conversant in semaphore to assist in content delivery.

"I'm aware it's far from perfect," said Broadcasting Under Manager Michael Oxenlong this afternoon. "However, with the grainy video cameras and second-hand microphones I've been given to get this channel on the air, getting the presenters to hold flags and spell out the news letter-by-letter is about the only way I can get our message across. I've had to be careful though, Michelle Dewberry got too animated during a lockdown discussion yesterday and accidently spelt out 'Immigrants welcome.'"

Oxenlong's boss, William Stroker, was hoping this would be a temporary measure, remarking, "It's been a challenge to get such a new and important station on-air and delivering important content like regional variations on bread roll names and the defence of known sex-offenders on the basis of pure semantics. However, I've had a promise that our first tranche of advertising money will be spent on new AV equipment. I can't wait to see that roll, barn, or cob in!"

Jacob Rees-Mogg now fully weaned

The entity known as Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aged 52 of your Earth years and is now fully weaned.

Rees-Mogg, who lists his hobbies as ordering urchins up chimneys, taking away the rights of workers and nanny’s bosom, has vigorously embraced his absurdly right-wing human-shaped avatar, pronouncing Matt Hancock as a genius, and threatening to administer as many thwacking to as many orphans as he has to in order to get women and the working classes to believe it.

A Tory spokeswoman, who did not wish to be named added ‘Jacob was weaned off “nanny’s nectar” after Brexit as British cows are now so much happier producing British milk.’

She then retched violently before whispering ‘You’ve got to get me out of here. He says there were good people on both sides of the Amritsar massacre. I have to keep this job a secret from my real friends… Help me!’

Rees-Mogg noted that if Brexit had taught us anything, and in his view it hadn't, then the sun should never again set on the uplands of the British Empire before continuing in Latin, then Greek for 15 more minutes, becoming increasingly aroused, eyes rolling backwards in his head, his glasses steaming up at the point of climax.

He then reclined on a rococo chaise longue, before flicking his fingers together and whispering ‘You should see what Gove gets up to... Brrrrap.’