Brits now stockpiling holidays in the UK

The cost of a good old British holiday is now so expensive that a house swap with the De Whistles at number 37 is the only economically viable option remaining.

Fuchsia Lipton from Guildford complained, "We really wanted to fly from Gatwick to Torquay with EasyJet. But a cockroach infested B&B with a shared toilet is now going for £2,046 a night, and there's a 2-week waiting list for cancellations. What the actual fuch? Are the cockroaches extra?"

Josh Lipton added, "We are convinced some people are stockpiling holidays just to stop others from getting in on the act. I mean, how can it be possible that the station hostelry in Crewe is fully booked right through the summer? No one in their right mind would actually want to stay there. Not even trainspotters like uncle Wilf."

"So we started eyeing up our neighbours' houses. The De Whistles have the only south-facing back garden in the close with a lean-to, so it was a no-brainer. We're going to do a house swap with them in July."

Leaning in, Fuchsia whispered, "They don't actually know that, of course, so don't tell anyone. They trusted us with their key to feed their kitties while they're swanning off to the Travelodge at Reading services on the M4. But they kept referring to it as going on their holibobs, and you can't let that shit slide. We're just going to move in while they're away."

It was not made clear if the Liptons were husband and wife, or brother and sister.

Driving test to include "driving up motorway in wrong direction" part

In an effort to bring the driving test up to date with life in the 21st century, it is to include a knuckle-whitening five miles up a major motorway against the traffic at rush hour.

"Let's face it, it happens to us all some day", a Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency spokesman announced. "The candidate will be expected to negotiate an average motorway with moderate to heavy traffic swerving out of their way in a blind panic. This will be followed by the standard three point turn".

"I think I handled that part pretty well", says 17-year-old Gareth Minster of Surrey, who took his test on Friday. "I just kept it cool, checking my rear view mirror every 20 seconds as you're told to do. There was one scary moment when a 40-ton truck was coming straight at me with the driver too absorbed in his smartphone to see me. But I gave one polite tap on the horn and he swerved out of the way and ploughed into the median barrier at the last minute".

"The worst part was when my mum came driving up the motorway just to wave at me", he adds. "I wish she wouldn't do that".

British travellers feeling compelled to tell everyone they meet they didn't vote for Brexit

A British family driving through Europe have had to extend their holiday to allow sufficient time to inform every single person they meet that they are not one of the xenophobic anti-European bigots who voted to leave the EU.

John Whitesmith, 43 from Reading said that he had explained to every waiter, hotel receptionist and petrol station attendant that although a majority of British voters may have opted to leave the EU, he certainly wasn't one of them.

'It's been very awkward' said the father of two. 'The man who takes the tolls on the auto-route really didn't seem to want to chat about it at all. He barely made eye-contact - he just took our change and raised the barrier. I felt like I had to make sure he wasn't being offish with me because he thought I might have voted Leave. Then the cars behind started angrily tooting their horns, and I wondered if this was because they saw the GB sticker on our car and felt insulted that we no longer wanted to be part of their political and economic union. But none of them seemed to appreciate me walking along the line to explain to them either...'

The family's journey through Belgium, Holland, France and Germany was originally scheduled for two weeks, but has been extended for another fortnight, to allow time for them to flag down fellow motorists to explain that they were not racists or xenophobes. 'We told them everyone we met that we love Europe and the Europeans, and that we are tolerant and open-minded. I mean obviously we did it all in English. I don't know why some of these bloody dagos can't be bothered to learn the language.'