Dolphins ‘stop smiling the moment our back is turned’

New evidence from unmanned underwater cameras has proved that dolphins are only pretending to be friendly to humans and that the moment that our backs are turned, a sour and indignant expression returns to their faces.

The discovery, which will traumatise animal lovers the world over, was made when Californian marine biologist Mike Varney sensed that the smiling, chattering manner of dolphins and porpoises was somehow a little insincere. He set up a series of remote controlled underwater cameras to record ceteceans interacting with swimmers and divers and then filmed the same dolphins as they left their human companions.

‘It’s fascinating,’ said Varney. ‘As the excited eco-tourists climb onto the boat, still thrilled at their real-life encounter with wild bottlenose dolphins, you can see the dolphins turn away and their cheerful expression suddenly changes. They looked really pissed off, and were sort of tutting and looking skywards. It’s like they were saying ‘I AM SO BORED OF THIS!’

Varney’s research has also demonstrated that their high-pitched animated chattering is also contrived and phoney. Amongst themselves, dolphins manage little more than an occasional indignant grunt, and often can’t even bothered to reply to other family members.

This is the second major discovery by maverick naturalist Varney. Last year his remote controlled cameras discovered that gorillas are actually really smiley when they are left to themselves.

Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship

One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons. 'We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves', said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.' 'There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.' Darren Fincher, the UK's No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted. 'I'm absolutely gutted,' said Darren. I've perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.' A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. 'We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we've followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.

WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.