'The History of the Teaspoon' and other thrilling Radio 4 documentaries

Radio 4 has aired a series of absolutely thrilling documentaries covering a range of hard hitting topics. The station is hoping to appeal to younger listeners with the release of these ‘hip-to-the-groove’ programmes rather than their usual demographic of boring, old, posh people. Here are our favourites:

1. The History Of The Teaspoon – from conception to cup in 53 episodes

2. Cravat Etiquette – when to cravat and when not to cravat

3. The Archers ‘unleashed’ : Kate and Alice get dirty on the farm whilst cleaning out the cow shed

4. Jigsaw Puzzles – the best, the worst and the just-about-acceptable

5. Agricultural Trends of 2021 – pimp my tractor special

6. The UK Drill Scene – getting groovy with DIY

7. Rural Stenches – classic smells of the countryside identified for listeners

8. Masterwave – tense competition as contestants prepare microwavable ready meals against the clock for vindictive judges Anne Robinson and Nick Hewer.

9. How to talk to the servants by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

A spokesperson for Radio 4 said: ‘We are fully committed engaging youngsters because a lot of our current listenership are dying of old age which isn’t great for ratings. We even had an under 60 tune in the other day, so it shows how well our new strategy of ‘getting down with the kids’ is working.’

additional contributions by SteveB & Lockjaw54

Chris Whitty loses his shit and puts two men in hospital

It was amazing,’ said an eye-witness. ‘One minute they were taunting him: pushing him around and taking selfies as they held him in choke holds. The next, he let out a bullish roar and punched them in the chest. One clown ended up in a skip and the other hit the side of a bus. Respect due.’

But what can have caused this response from erstwhile mild-mannered, soft-spoken Chief Medical Officer? A Dept of Health insider confided that he was accidentally scratched on the hand by Priti Patel a couple of weeks ago. He believes some of her nanobots entered his bloodstream and have now reproduced to a concentration that he is developing superpowers.

‘I saw him photoshopping his face onto a picture of the Hulk the other day. We’re now calling him Two Jabs round the office … when he is out of earshot, obviously.’

HSE to investigate 'Jack and Jill' case once Dumpy Investigation concluded

Following a number of media stories about an accident involving a young boy named only as ‘Jack’ for legal reasons and his young female ‘partner’ Jill, the Health and Safety Executive have launched an investigation.

‘It is understood a young man was employed to fetch water from a remote location adjacent to a steep hill, with a metal can provided to convey the water. In the execution of his said duties,’ said a HSE spokesman, ‘he lost his footing, fell down the hill and sustained serious, potentially life changing, head injuries. It is understood that his partner attempted to dress his injuries with brown paper laced with malt vinegar,’ added the spokesman.

The HSE inquiry is understood to be wide ranging, including the apparent exploitation of minors in the workplace, insufficient risk assessments, the carriage of excessive loads, insufficient manual handling training, inadequate stairs with handrails and ‘very poor first aid training.’

‘Our inspectors will be carrying out a complete report into the accident once resources become available,’ continued the spokesman. ‘Currently they are investigating a serious fall from an elevated position also resulting in head injuries that appears to have all the hallmarks of a cover up from the royal family as soldiers assigned to the royal family have seemingly colluded to carry out “repairs” to the injured person without recourse to calling 999 or at the very least 111. Instead there is some evidence they’ve allowed equine resources to assist, which is unusual to say the least.

A spokesperson for the royal household confirmed there was an ongoing investigation, but insisted some of the injuries reported were ‘eggsagerated, or at least scrambled.’