Classic News:

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The News before it happens

All lightbulbs now obselete

From midnight tonight, all of your lightbulbs are obselete. New, more efficient and greener bulbs will be available from tomorrow. 'It's the circle of light,' said an industry spokesman. 'Once you only had bayonet fittings bulbs in clear or pearl. Then we invented different wattages. Then it was mushroom fittings. Then it all went to cock. 'It was IKEA's fault. They wouldn't do bayonet fittings, so suddenly half your light fittings needed one of those stupid American screw up

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Need some ammunition fast, on a sharp deadline to commit a war crime? Look no further, Amazon can deliver bombs right to your front door or your neighbour's head. Said one UK Minister, 'We've been struggling to export enough death to the Middle East, but thanks to this speedy service, we can now wreck mayhem 24/7. No footsteps. No fingerprints. No awkward conversations within the Hague.' Using the tagline "Set it. Forget it. Briefly regret it", the drones are the ultimate lab

Wrenfoe

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer

Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer. A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact. ”I’m not in any way a bitter,

eppursimuove

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Faced with a soaring budget deficit over the next two years, the British Broadcasting Corporation is to change its name to the "British Corporation". "In today's climate," said a corporate spokes-vacuum, "making TV and radio programmes is beyond our financial scope. However, we will maintain a fully-funded Director-General's Office and Governors' Board, as well as extravagent personnel, catering and accountancy units. We will be showcasing all that is best about UK corporate

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 15th May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

WINNER:Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing (sir lupus) RUNNERS UP: Oh, no! Uncle Fred is about to do his drinking from binoculars impression (lockjaw) Thank god we lost. Who wants to be a local councillor anyway? (deskpilot) Club 18-30 admit age vetting failures (apepper)

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

WINNER: It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters (Sinnick) RUNNERS UP: Dave and Julie had begun to run out of conversation topics as Windows Updates entered its third hour. (sydalg) After Darren's garlic lunch, Debbie wished they could go back to having Zoom meetings (robfalconer) You see Claire, mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman who already understands the situation (joe)

Breaking News

Keir wanted change. Off you go then

Nigel Fromage likely to be the new big cheese in British politics

New Reform councillors to commence resigning Saturday

Hormuz War: Trump Seeks Closure

Hanta Chance of Spreading

Man who died of diarrhoea to be buried in pooper's grave

Knockoff Films presents: The Devil Wears Primark

'Project freedom' renamed 'Operation Hokey-Cokey'

Features

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Aries Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once. Taurus The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Attrition Parade, Red Square, 2026

The reason why people will say their councillor is an ass

Nature Boy, David Attenborough turns 100 today

How much time gets spent thinking about life's imponderables?

From the Archive

Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity

In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission. Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.' It's understood the scientists were

Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'

Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation: 'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity . 'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolute

New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy

News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry. Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer

Great Election results, say all party leaders

Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted. And all the party leaders agree that they got great results. Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy. And also of removing the unaffordable

All lightbulbs now obselete

Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

In a world of genocide, wars and another Minecraft Movie, the Met Gala continues to raise morale by having celebrities dress like Byzantine courtesans or people who like to cosplay as Liberace drunk. Not since the last days of Rome or the Ancien Régime, have we seen this many people in need of a guillotine. Said one homeless veteran, 'It helps to put my missing limbs into context, seeing Beyoncé dressed as skeleton in a giant feathered cape. I didn't know how lucky I was unti

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water. While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize. Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else h

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Careless Whisper FM

Smooth FM will change its name and move to broadcasting George Michael's Careless Whisper all day long, on a loop. The track has topped a listener poll for the eighth year in a row. A spokesman said, 'Okay, we give up! If that's all you want, then that's fine. There will still be plenty of variety on the radio station, as we have several different advertisers and we will still be using our famous automated AI deejay to introduce the track, give traffic updates, and remind lis

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

All lightbulbs now obselete

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 15th May 2026

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

Keir wanted change. Off you go then

Nigel Fromage likely to be the new big cheese in British politics

New Reform councillors to commence resigning Saturday

Hormuz War: Trump Seeks Closure

Hanta Chance of Spreading

Man who died of diarrhoea to be buried in pooper's grave

Knockoff Films presents: The Devil Wears Primark

'Project freedom' renamed 'Operation Hokey-Cokey'

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Attrition Parade, Red Square, 2026

The reason why people will say their councillor is an ass

Nature Boy, David Attenborough turns 100 today

How much time gets spent thinking about life's imponderables?

Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity

Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'

New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy

Our annual for 2021-22

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer

Great Election results, say all party leaders

All lightbulbs now obselete

Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Careless Whisper FM