Trump: How I'm totally not like Iran's tyrants
"Here's the reason why every true patriot should support me when I start bombing Iran again after the mid-terms," US President Donald Trump told his favourite publication, Antichristian Science Monitor. "Their leaders are downright un-American. "They rule their country on a whim, waste money on self-worshipping vanity projects and rake huge amounts of money off the top, which is totally unlike the way I do things. "They're also a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites who accuse
Trump to rebrand bread to test the faithful
After a modest success in promoting the phrase ‘Super Intelligence’ as a replacement for Artificial Intelligence, Donald Trump is set to test the sycophancy of his faithful by renaming ‘bread’ as ‘bakey goodness’. ‘They love me like they love Jesus’, Trump might have said. ‘And Jesus tested his disciples by playing dead. I’m not dead. They keep trying but The Donald won’t die. And if he does, he will rise again. From this day forward let us never use the word ‘bread’ again. L
French school rioters criticized for not using tractors
French politicians have slammed rioting school kids for blockading roads without the use of tractors. A government spokesperson complained that the children didn't understand "proper protocol", and that they will gladly listen to the protesters' demands, providing they first don yellow vests and grill some sheep on the barricades. Meanwhile, citing a "total lack of respect for French traditions", commentators from the right wing Front National have condemned the rioters for b
Race for stories about prisoner releases
The early release of some prisoners started today, and this fires the starting gun for tabloid newspaper editors. The race is on to get the first and the best stories about reoffending. 'There are at least three stories here,' said an excited Daily Mail subeditor. 'The first story is easy. We just need to print a story today or tomorrow about any new offence by an early release prisoner. Could be anything. Litter. Jaywalking. Shoving a reporter. That's easy. The second story
Victim of multiple romance scams speaks out
‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off. ‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I reall
Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service
Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service. ‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’. Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchin
Trump takes "utterly disgusting" as a compliment
"The President is a deeply disagreeable person," said a White House spokes-cockroach, "and he is more used to receiving outraged abuse than compliments. That's why he is so very grateful to the editor of the Wall Street Journal for his affectionate words. "During the visit of Chinese leader Xi Jinping, President Trump had shown him a picture of an autopen and told Xi it was Joe Biden. The two then laughed. "When the President read the next day in the Wall Street Journal that
Piers Morgan is not Hitler
Earl Spencer has taken responsibility for some minor errors in his new book, and has apologised to those affected. He admits that he incorrectly identified media star and all-round good guy, Piers Morgan, as the founder and ruler of the Mongol Empire and agrees that he did not lead a ruthless army famous for advanced horsemanship and battle skills. Nor did he conquer vast territories stretching as far as China or cause massive destruction and the deaths of millions. These in
Pope warns of the dangers of AI
Leo XIV has spoken out about the dangers of believing in an omnipresent oracle that lives in a cloud. He says it is unreasonable to expect to be able to ask any question directly, and receive an immediate answer. He is worried about people turning to an unseen entity for life advice, comfort, and ethical direction pointing out AI relies entirely on humans for its power, maintenance, and architecture, unlike the church. Predictions about the death of humanity, and the end of t
Government to use boarding schools as prisons
The government has announced plans to turn recently closed boarding schools into prisons. A Ministry of Justice spokesman said “Following the introduction of VAT on private school fees last year, several boarding schools have been forced to close down and they make ideal prisons. Both feature drafty, old Victorian buildings, bars over the windows, brutal sanitation and mandatory exercise. You are strictly not allowed to leave, and you must wear a distinctive uniform that make
