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European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so. Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President. Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.' Recent run

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Snap, crackle and pop with Radio 4 Extra Extra

The BBC has turned off its long wave radio service after 101 years. But ardent fans of the special sound quality of the long wave service need not worry. The BBC is launching a new service called Radio 4 Extra Extra (to distinguish it from Radio 4 and Radio 4 Extra). The new service, referred to as BBC R4XX, is a digitally enhanced copy of standard Radio 4 output, with the trademark long wave snap, crackle and pop added back in electronically, along with unintelligible mumbli

deskpilot

Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations. 'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' expl

rogt

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Keir Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said, 'I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained motorhome outside number 11. 'We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a goo

Robowurzel

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Caption Competition

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

WINNER Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected. tonymc RUNNERS UP Dave wasn't surprised that his son-in-law kept sitting in the wrong place apepper The Johnson family could feel their adrenaline pumping like mad as they braced themselves for another dine-and-dash. sydalg Hey, I've got a great idea ... why don't each of us sit at a different side of the table! robfalconer

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

WINNER There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out. sydalg RUNNERRS UP The team were delighted when David got a letter confirming the world record for the longest forearm mcdabble Choose your own Dystopian Future with Center Parcs - military compound joe The three MPs stopped smiling the second they realised that Sir Keir's resignation letter was a fake robfalconer The script says,they all grin like in a toothpaste ad, so let's practise that ti

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

WINNER After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm robfalconer RUNNERS UP The good days when a farmer and his wife could have a laugh with the bike the EU paid for. tonymc Jane didn't realise that quads had no gearstick. But Dave knew what she was holding Sinnick "Of course we're entitled to disability benefits. We've got this mobility scooter, see?" jeremynh

Breaking News

Winners in new NHS marathons may earn GP appointment

Andy Burnham reveals plan for his first 100 minutes as PM

New video sharing platform for stupid people is launched – Thick Tok

Experts say the Bayeaux Tapestry is inaccurate, as the facts were embroidered

Mexico city altitude 7350 feet. England will need to up their game

Trump's wealth going up now he's not managing it personally

Man who combined laxatives with laughing gas said he did it for sh!ts and giggles

Wimbledon Final could end up in Court

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

'Glastonbury-style' rush for tickets to see Bayeux Tapestry

Burnham bounce results in Farage fall

Colin regretted using one of his three wishes to become a chick magnet

A challenging Test for incoming captain, Burnham

From the Archive

Popcorn shortages as nation sits back to watch Tories implode

Britain has an eerie, deserted feel as people increasingly stay home to scroll through social media for the latest catastrophe to befall the Conservative Party. Sales of popcorn are at an all-time high, leaving cinemas depleted of their favourite snack. 'I felt a bit ghoulish waiting for news of that submarine’, said one former Conservative voter, ‘but it's nothing compared to what's happening to the Tories. Maybe they’ll get lucky and it’ll be a sudden catastrophic death, eh

Sturgeon promises Scottish military aid to Ukraine

Following the commitment of £1bn of equipment from the breakaway rebel Southern British government in Westminster, the established mainstream government in the Democratic People's Republic of Caledonia has promised to provide complementary aid and weapons to Ukraine. A spokesman for President Sturgeon announced the details at a press conference: 'See, all this stuff from the Johnson-led gorillas? it's all medium or long range, ye ken? It's all missiles 'n rockets 'n 'things,

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'. Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hamps

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

European leaders have a Trump rota

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter

A representative of King Charles has admitted the monarch uses the same accountancy firm as Peckham entrepreneur Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter. Accounts show the monarch paid £12.9m in taxes from income largely generated by strong sales of Trevor Francis track suits and discount carpet tiles. King Charles is thought to be worth around £1.6bn, but annual royal reports reveal that deductions for overheads and expenses reduce his income tax bill to that of someone on income support. A

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Met Office issues bland weather warning

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen. 'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything. ”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.' Reports say the native

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Local News

Snap, crackle and pop with Radio 4 Extra Extra

Paddington Bear exposed as ‘marmalade monster’ in latest celebrity scandal.

Beloved children’s icon Paddington Bear stands accused of decades of marmalade-fuelled impropriety, in what the tabloids have dubbed ‘Paddingtongate - The Sticky Paws Affair.’ Once seen as the epitome of politeness and immigrant success stories, it has emerged that Paddington was less ‘charming foreign bear’ and more ‘sinister sandwich-pusher’. Several women have come forward describing incidents where Paddington cornered them under the pretence of offering them a marmalade

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

European leaders have a Trump rota

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Snap, crackle and pop with Radio 4 Extra Extra

Met Office issues bland weather warning

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

Winners in new NHS marathons may earn GP appointment

Andy Burnham reveals plan for his first 100 minutes as PM

New video sharing platform for stupid people is launched – Thick Tok

Experts say the Bayeaux Tapestry is inaccurate, as the facts were embroidered

Mexico city altitude 7350 feet. England will need to up their game

Trump's wealth going up now he's not managing it personally

Man who combined laxatives with laughing gas said he did it for sh!ts and giggles

Wimbledon Final could end up in Court

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

'Glastonbury-style' rush for tickets to see Bayeux Tapestry

Burnham bounce results in Farage fall

Colin regretted using one of his three wishes to become a chick magnet

A challenging Test for incoming captain, Burnham

Popcorn shortages as nation sits back to watch Tories implode

Sturgeon promises Scottish military aid to Ukraine

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Our annual for 2021-22

European leaders have a Trump rota

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter

Met Office issues bland weather warning

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Snap, crackle and pop with Radio 4 Extra Extra

Paddington Bear exposed as ‘marmalade monster’ in latest celebrity scandal.