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NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

NCP Enters Administration After Accidentally Parking in Its Own Car Park Car park operator NCP has gone into administration this week after a travelling staff member accidentally parked in one of the company's sites in Central Manchester. "I was travelling up north to attend a meeting about customer pricing strategies", said Matt Jones, the now out-of-work Analyst. "I usually park in Tesco and use my meal deal receipt to validate my parking before I leave, but a wrong turn se

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Found Doctor Who episodes to be lost again

Two early episodes of Doctor Who, which have been recently found in an old cardboard box, are to be lost again. The episodes, which last annoyed viewers in the 1960's, are thought to have been recorded by a viewer at time of broadcast, and swiftly put in the attic in an attempt to forget them forever. Many who saw the original shows have long held out hope that the episodes had been wiped. An archivist at the BBC said: "the film was in a terrible state, with ramshackle specia

Adrian Bamforth

Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"

"I never heard of it before," Trump told his audience at a rally in Ignoramus, Nebraska. "And none of my golfing buddies or sons in law ever heard anything about this Strait of Hormuz, either - and they're my Middle East experts. "But that might be because they're the kind of experts who shoot their mouths off first and look at maps after. "I hear people are saying that the Iranians has just invented this Hormuz place. They're saying to me: 'Sir, this is the dead Ayatollah s

Jeremynh

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

A spokesdevil for the horned one said: "We'd be the first to know if he was down here, because someone would have claimed the sweepstake. That said, it's only a matter of time." Being the greatest war criminal of the century does mean that Bibi will get a prime spot, somewhere between Attila the Hun and James Corden's agent. He will be fast-tracked to the lowest circle of Hell, normally reserved for the inventors of tethered bottle caps and unskippable ads. Meanwhile, we will

Wrenfoe

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Caption Competition: Friday 20th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Dad's Army remake funded by Jeffrey Epstein." (Sydalg); "America liberates the Isle of Wight from 'Big England." (Lockjaw).

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Winner: Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Struggle to remove Farage from Trump's arse continues." (APepper); "Carlos' Chihuahua was a tad reluctant to go to the vet's." (Sinnick).

Breaking News

Closure of Strait of Hormuz is no April Fuel

Alexa upgrade still won't open the pod bay doors

Straights of Hormuz "Homophobic", say protesters

Students just happy to get free drugs

Trump invites CAF to review 2020 Election

Assisted dying bill suffers undignified death.

Meningitis makes a pleasant relief from Donald Trump

First UK pothole to be Grade II listed

Features

NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025

March 2025 Back in March 2025 UK politics was still about ‘tough decisions’, with the government slashing some benefit payments, including personal independence payments (PIPs). It also scrapped NHS England because the Departnent for Health can do all of its work cheaper and better. There was an embarrassing prison escape which turned out to be less of a one-off and more of a regular thing. And three Bulgarians are found guilty of spying for Russia. In the US, Donald Trump fa

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Cartoons

Launched onto the market before the design was perfected

South Pars: is Nastyahoo starting to ghost Trump?

The exit strategy

Lee Anderson made paid-for Cameo videos!

From the Archive

Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.

A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly. Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions. We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch

Man to beat alcohol dependency by taking up drugs

A London man who has been alcohol dependent for over 12 years is hoping to give up his harmful addiction and aims to replace it with drug-taking instead. The 57 year old man, who has been over-reliant on cheap Russian alcohol for many years has flown to the Middle East to negotiate a way out of his self-inflicted predicament. The man said switching his habit from cheap Russian alcohol to cheap Middle East drugs will help him break the hold his Russian suppliers have over him.

Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough

Chelsea have formally asked Middlesbrough to stick a 96-year-old grandmother in goal for their upcoming FA Cup tie. The club say Boro should put Elsie Hammersley, from Stockton-on-Tees, between the sticks in Saturday’s quarter-final on the grounds of “sporting integrity”. 'We think it’s only fair that a person who can hardly walk should be in goal for Middlesbrough on Saturday – just to even things up a bit,' said a Chelsea spokeswoman. 'After all, it’s not our fault that our

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

President Trump is believed to be developing a range of bouncing ‘Islambuster’ bombs that will be used to clear a path through the Strait of Hormuz. His advisors, among them his Secretary of War, ‘Pistol Pete’ Hegseth, say the President got the idea when scrolling through the films on Air Force One. “The President found himself looking at the classics channel,” Hegseth said, “and he started watching The Dam Busters, a film he hadn’t seen since he was a schoolboy. ‘Hey Pete,’

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

End of Days promises balmy weather

As Christian zionists salivate over building the Third Temple and ushering in the age of Gog and Magog, the rest of us can expect a delightful Spring. Said one weather caster. "It'll initially be long evenings of lawn tennis and fruit punch, followed by the Anti-Christ and his demonic horde. So do try to enjoy the sunshine while you can." This was confirmed by Beelzebub, "Yes, there'll be eternal suffering but you'll have plenty of time to appreciate the daffodils-before you'

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Lifestyle

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”

The row over the redesign of Britain’s banknotes entered a new phase today when it emerged it may all have been for nothing. “We know from experience that some people manage to be offended by just about any historical figure,” said a spokesman for the Royal Mint today. “Even if their opinions were completely normal for the era they lived in. But I guess TikTok doesn’t go into that much detail. ”So we thought we’d circumvent all that by having sweet little animals on the bankn

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

Found Doctor Who episodes to be lost again

Trump starts World Cup without notice, and declares US the winner

The United States has claimed a large number of byes in the impending World Cup as a result of the President declaring the competition was open months before the official start date. 'We didn't tell the world we were going into Iran and we haven't told the world we're leaving Iran - yet,' he said today. 'So with all the time in the world on our hands we decided to start the World Cup early. We've won all the qualifiers by default and are in the final next weekend with Iran

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Found Doctor Who episodes to be lost again

Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

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Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 20th March

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Closure of Strait of Hormuz is no April Fuel

Alexa upgrade still won't open the pod bay doors

Straights of Hormuz "Homophobic", say protesters

Students just happy to get free drugs

Trump invites CAF to review 2020 Election

Assisted dying bill suffers undignified death.

Meningitis makes a pleasant relief from Donald Trump

First UK pothole to be Grade II listed

NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025

Launched onto the market before the design was perfected

South Pars: is Nastyahoo starting to ghost Trump?

The exit strategy

Lee Anderson made paid-for Cameo videos!

Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.

Man to beat alcohol dependency by taking up drugs

Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

End of Days promises balmy weather

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park

Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Found Doctor Who episodes to be lost again

Trump starts World Cup without notice, and declares US the winner