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Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials. Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital. Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a probl

Gerontius

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Unemployed Arkansas man Dave Goober was surprised to see on Fox News that he’d been appointed Attorney General of the United States. ”Ah thought they must mean some other guy,” Goober told reporters, “until the motorcade turned up outside mah trailer.” A White House statement described Goober as “a great guy with strong experience, known for his attention to detail”, though Goober admitted he wasn’t sure why he’d been fired from the chicken shop where he used to work. It also

eppursimuove

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Nasa has conceded that their latest spacecraft is unable to go where the Apollo missions went, which is a soundstage somewhere in the Nevada desert. Said one scientist, 'We conveniently lost all the original data, alongside who shot JFK. This means we cannot replicate the fake flag and questionable photography, instead we are forced to actually visit the Moon-which is the one thing the aliens asked us not to do.” Fifty years since the original fake landing, we now forced to p

Wrenfoe

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”. The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads. “The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the

eppursimuove

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 3rd April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Team of linguists work to translate Trump speech into English." (APepper); "Eight accountancy students discuss how best to split the bill in Nando's." (Midfield Diamond).

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

Winner: Gerontius Runners-Up: "Spurs fans prefer to watch the traffic go by outside rather than endure the game." ( Lockjaw); "ICC curse Tesco for building a car park next to Lords cricket ground." (Modelmaker).

Breaking News

Marmalade producers in a jam

Storm Dave: Met Office issues a Trigger Warning

'Marmalade' is a codeword for 'Democracy', says Reform

These are not just shoplifters - these are M&S shoplifters

Artemis capsule to splash down in Strait of Hormuz

Trump: pilots who get shot down are total losers

NASA concerned that Artemis astronauts may not want to come back

Most Brits 'ambivalent' about sale of Marmite to US company

Features

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

Aries You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head. Taurus Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest. Gemini Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

On Sadiq Khan's doorstep

Out for Easter: The Revelation of St John, from Trump Productions

Christina Koch: Artemis' space plumber

The comedy critics

From the Archive

Mongers of the world after another thing to monger

The worryingly titled Monger Union believe cheese and iron are respected food and metal items, however they they wish to expand into other fields. A representative said, “If a whole species like fish can be mongered, what about just adding another living thing, maybe ducks?” There is a danger is specialising in just in old timey metalwork and specific dairy products, and they are after something more cutting edge like Artificial Intelligence, Cryptocurrency or the abstract co

Russia complains Ukraine 'isn't playing fair'

The Russian Federation has lodged a formal complaint about Ukraine following a series of 'unforgivable' offensive actions by 'rogue Ukrainians', or 'defenders' as they prefer to be called. 'We are supposed to be the aggressors,' said a Russian spokesman. 'But they attack our tanks, our soldiers and now they fly into Russia and attack us. It's so unfair,' he added. Ukrainian defence experts have acknowledged that they were billed as defenders and as such, should be increme

Tories to fully fund Tory Conversion Therapy

Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies. Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a genera

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 3rd April

MI5 Secretary, Debbie McLean, Begins to Worry About That Light Fitting They Ordered From China.

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

Marmalade producers in a jam

Storm Dave: Met Office issues a Trigger Warning

'Marmalade' is a codeword for 'Democracy', says Reform

These are not just shoplifters - these are M&S shoplifters

Artemis capsule to splash down in Strait of Hormuz

Trump: pilots who get shot down are total losers

NASA concerned that Artemis astronauts may not want to come back

Most Brits 'ambivalent' about sale of Marmite to US company

Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

On Sadiq Khan's doorstep

Out for Easter: The Revelation of St John, from Trump Productions

Christina Koch: Artemis' space plumber

The comedy critics

Mongers of the world after another thing to monger

Russia complains Ukraine 'isn't playing fair'

Tories to fully fund Tory Conversion Therapy

Our annual for 2021-22

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets