Classic News:

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Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay.

Benvoleo

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

This is the best ceasefire deal we could get for our darling child, Israel,' said US Secretary of State Marco Rubiks-Cube.

Jeremynh

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

deskpilot

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Hampshire Police are retraining all their dimmest officers in how to spot the victim of a knife attack by giving them innovative finger painting exercises to do.

Jeremynh

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

WINNER I am sensing that you are both Pisces lockjaw RUNNERS UP "Your future looks fishy to me" sirlupus Well, I can definitely see an X, so you're either going to find buried treasure or have a win on the pools robfalconer You're about to get catfished. How do you feel about that? jeremynh Passengers for the Titan submersible Mark II were leaving nothing to chance. Paul L

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Winner Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away … robfalconer Runners Up So I can certainly explain what your test results mean, but first hand over the cash sirlupus Sure, privatization has its challenges, but you were going to be dead soon enough anyway. agstilp Just ignore the Channel 4 film crew while I check for yeast infection Sinnick

Breaking News

Today at 11:30 AM - Radio 4 broadcasts a report from France - 'From Our Rhône Correspondent'

Andy Burnham will be Running in the Derby today, as a warm up for Makerfield

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Escaped creature in Fukushima 'smarter than the av-er-age bear!'

Reform back Tories idea , trips to tax havens tax deductable

Horses urged to 'stand up and be mounted'

Lilibet is 5, or 6,788 in social media posts

Scientists monitoring DNA in wastewater detect strong signs of bull in S E Water

Features

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Aries You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world. Taurus You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass. Gemini You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap. Cancer

Lockjaw

Cartoons

How did the sh!t, formerly known as Prince, get that bruise?

The importance of a bookcase in Zoom call interviews

Trump responds to House rebuke over Iran War

Nastyahoo declares yet another ceasefire with Lebanon

From the Archive

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.' They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera. The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the unive

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling. 'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of the

Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'

Platty Joobs has rapidly emerged this week as a contender for the most annoying and ridiculous phrase ever, the shortening of words saving no time and immediately rendering the utterer as a complete tool. But what other phrases are totes annoying? Here at NewsBiscuit we have done the heavy lifting for you and curated some of the best for you. Holibobs Are you a toddler who has you just learnt to speak and who is still struggling to control your bladder function as well as wor

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

This is the best ceasefire deal we could get for our darling child, Israel,' said US Secretary of State Marco Rubiks-Cube.

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay.

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays, with many not even suitable for a 10 part podcast.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

An A level Mathematics paper leaked online has questions about student loans - unnerving those students answering.

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Local News

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Next year's BAFTA Film Awards are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award, honouring Mortal Kombat II.

Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Today at 11:30 AM - Radio 4 broadcasts a report from France - 'From Our Rhône Correspondent'

Andy Burnham will be Running in the Derby today, as a warm up for Makerfield

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Escaped creature in Fukushima 'smarter than the av-er-age bear!'

Reform back Tories idea , trips to tax havens tax deductable

Horses urged to 'stand up and be mounted'

Lilibet is 5, or 6,788 in social media posts

Scientists monitoring DNA in wastewater detect strong signs of bull in S E Water

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

How did the sh!t, formerly known as Prince, get that bruise?

The importance of a bookcase in Zoom call interviews

Trump responds to House rebuke over Iran War

Nastyahoo declares yet another ceasefire with Lebanon

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'

Our annual for 2021-22

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Trump hails the World Cup