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Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

Donald Trump is fed up with the United Nations and member nations who say bad things about him behind his back. He thinks that US money should command more obsequious fawning and less invective. Vladimir Putin finds the United Nations annoying. Sure, he can veto stuff that would move towards world peace – but who wants that? Insiders say that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are working on a new global alliance that will by-pass the UN and help them achieve their goals in the

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Jodrell Bank, the UK’s biggest telescope, faces closure unless it can find some funding. Despite being a glorified magnifying glass, it has so far been unable to do this, despite peering down the sides of the sofa in the staff canteen. Suggestions for self-funding have come primarily from 1970s perverts hoping to use the device not to look up at the heavens, but to look up women’s skirts, or seeing if Nigel Farage has £5 million in crypto to use it to find a Brexit benefit.

stewartbarclay

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures. Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.” Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.” Belgium has announced the King Le

Fernandomando

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption. Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile. Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for mi

apepper

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 31st July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Breaking News

Suffolk firefighters fined for ignoring hosepipe ban

Reform Clacton campaign leaflets delivered pre-torn-up

Guillotine T-shirt scandal: heads will roll

Artist who drew 2 naked women denies rubbing one out

Andy Burnham adopts Keir Starmer's 'difficult decisions' catchphrase

Origami specialists called in to repair paper factory damaged in Japan earthquake

Story about Saltburn cricket cheats dismissed as clickbait

Football to be floated on Footsy

Features

Napoleonic Rabbits, Dashcam Dogging and Olympic Doodling-NewsBiscuit Podcast 63

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4VoOuvF1QayTaZkhnslYsR?si=n5Mb2YFsRbiPlpdASF8Pww https://youtu.be/h95x6phxXlY Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Chipchase, FlashArry and Sketchly Host: Wrenfoe. July-AUgust 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

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Cartoons

Fair's fair. He called Biden Sleepy Joe ...

Time to put a stranglehold on Infantino's plans

Roman die found at Hadrian's Wall

Gianni Infantino to be questioned over Trump ties

From the Archive

Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’. “I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?” Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with simi

Presenters lined up to faint for all future TV debates

TV companies are working to arrange "fainting on cue" for future TV debates. A spokesman explained; "When you've got a pair of bell ends spouting nonsense, there's only so much that you can expect the audience to sit through. We got lucky with Kate McCann, but for future debates we're working on a scheme of employing people with blood pressure or diabetic issues. When we feel the debate should be stopped, we pipe Jacob Rees-Mogg fantasising about Brexit benefits into the pres

England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"

After weeks of disappointedly saying "Oh, it's just birds" whenever he turned on the TV and saw the England women's team playing, football fan Dave Concrete has grudgingly admitted that the women's game might be the real thing after all. This change of heart is thought to have come when he realised the England women's team were doing rather well, and were in fact more likely than their male counterparts to win a tournament anytime soon. However, this newfound respect for the

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues. The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t

Science
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Lifestyle

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Nigel Farage has reported the 1979 new wave band XTC to the Metropolitan Police after discovering that Making Plans for Nigel contains his first name. Farage said the song had “clearly been lying dormant as a sleeper cell for nearly fifty years” before being activated by his recent social media activity. “They always deny it,” he explained. “First it’s an innocent pop song. Next thing you know, it’s awaiting instructions.” Counter-terrorism officers are now examining XTC’s ba

Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North

It was with great trepidation I set foot in the cinema. The journey leading to this moment had be difficult. Hoards of tourists were occupying the kingdom of Leicester Square, drinking and eating all the available food and cola, each laying claim to their only object of desire, a ticket to Odyssey. They lay about, cursing and shouting, minor scuffles broke near the ticket office as each applied to be a suitor to the prize, but each in turn was rejected. They had all failed to

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 31st July 2026

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Suffolk firefighters fined for ignoring hosepipe ban

Reform Clacton campaign leaflets delivered pre-torn-up

Guillotine T-shirt scandal: heads will roll

Artist who drew 2 naked women denies rubbing one out

Andy Burnham adopts Keir Starmer's 'difficult decisions' catchphrase

Origami specialists called in to repair paper factory damaged in Japan earthquake

Story about Saltburn cricket cheats dismissed as clickbait

Football to be floated on Footsy

Napoleonic Rabbits, Dashcam Dogging and Olympic Doodling-NewsBiscuit Podcast 63

Fair's fair. He called Biden Sleepy Joe ...

Time to put a stranglehold on Infantino's plans

Roman die found at Hadrian's Wall

Gianni Infantino to be questioned over Trump ties

Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

Presenters lined up to faint for all future TV debates

England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"

Our annual for 2021-22

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North