Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk.' whined the Prince of Darkness' legal team.

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

ChrisF

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project.

apepper

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK. 'He fits in perfectly'

Jeremynh

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Steve hadn't yet mastered the etiquette for asking for a no-fault divorce." (Sydalg); "Kayleigh loves playing "Finger or sausage" with blind people." (Sketchly).

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Victorian Lamp Spotting Society tragically misses out on a sighting." (SirLupus); "Blimey - he's cropped that edge a bit close..." (Sketchly)

Breaking News

Jersey approves assisted dying for cardigan wearers

Ocado fails to deliver

Sir Lindsay : it's unfortunate media found out I am a grass

Government fixes GP services with more paperwork

Trump accused of talking hyperbolics

BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace

Andrew's emails: massage deleted

Keir Starmer now 11th in line for news headlines

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

In the club, discussing Andrew's role as 'trade envoy'

Keir Starmer dining out

Making Sandringham fit for a commoner

Wonderful world of wildlife

From the Archive

Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

Left wing firebrand Leon 'Jeremy' Corbsky has been found murdered, an ice-axe buried in his skull, at the hacienda in Mexico where he was in hiding. Though no one has claimed responsibility, few doubt his murder was ordered by party General Secretary Josef 'Keir' Starmlin, of whom Corbsky had become a persistent critic in recent times. The two had been comrades-in-arms in the early days of the Glorious People's Revolution of 1997. It was at this time Starmlin adopted his famo

90% of UK court backlog is due to Royal Family litigation

Earlier today, the UK High Court appealed to the Royal Family to scale back its many legal cases to help ease the growing backlog in criminal cases. In an anonymous leak to the Press, High Court Judges have expressed concern that many criminal cases involving violent assault, sexual offences, murder and other major crimes carrying long prison sentences are being delayed for months. Ever-increasing numbers of prisoners are being held in remand whilst Royal Family litigation is

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson

Boris Johnson has warned London's Russian oligarch community that a limit could be imposed on how much money they donate to the Tory party if Russia continues its invasion of Ukraine. Mr Johnson has hinted there could be severe financial sanctions levied against Russians wishing to buy political influence here in the UK, saying any future interference will come at a cost. That cost could be as little as £2m per oligarch. Tory grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg also warned that Russi

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk.' whined the Prince of Darkness' legal team.

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK. 'He fits in perfectly'

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project.

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

Leaked emails reveal the true extent of an international grooming gang, all of whom spent years worshipping Islam - primarily the Judeo-Christian bits.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tyrade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony.

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th February

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Jersey approves assisted dying for cardigan wearers

Ocado fails to deliver

Sir Lindsay : it's unfortunate media found out I am a grass

Government fixes GP services with more paperwork

Trump accused of talking hyperbolics

BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace

Andrew's emails: massage deleted

Keir Starmer now 11th in line for news headlines

Modern rhyming slang

In the club, discussing Andrew's role as 'trade envoy'

Keir Starmer dining out

Making Sandringham fit for a commoner

Wonderful world of wildlife

Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

90% of UK court backlog is due to Royal Family litigation

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson

Our annual for 2021-22

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS