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That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home. And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid. At least one of them is in Britain. I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that. The money

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'. The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster. He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it. The relati

eppursimuove

Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

Ancient Greek author Homer has released his first epic for 3,000 years, called the Trumpyssey. The story, written in the author's signature dactylic hexameter, tells of how King Trump is lured into the Persian Gulf by the Sirens of Likud along with his ship of fools - Vance, Hegseth, Witkoff, and all the deranged hayseeds who attended his rallies. Trump then spends years trying and failing to extricate them all through the Strait of Hormuz. Every day, he claims he is 'very cl

Jeremynh

Comparison site to help Labour MPs

The comparison site U-Compare-Supermarket-Switch.com is to help Labour MPs to choose a new leader. MPs can simply enter a few details and can quickly find out what kind of leader might suit them, ranked according to popularity, red wall appeal, alignment with manifesto commitments, left/right/centre appeal, northern appeal, opinion poll results and the availability of a courtesy car in case of a breakdown. MPs will need to say when they expect to change leader, as the advice

deskpilot

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 22nd May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

WINNER: Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned apepper RUNNERS UP... ITV News dumbs down its graphics approach to show a major swing against Labour robfalconer They'll be fine now. Pub? Midfield Diamond Middle-class parents training children as young as three to be swing voters. sydalg You're right, this is the hardest job in the world. joe

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

WINNER:Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing (sir lupus) RUNNERS UP: Oh, no! Uncle Fred is about to do his drinking from binoculars impression (lockjaw) Thank god we lost. Who wants to be a local councillor anyway? (deskpilot) Club 18-30 admit age vetting failures (apepper)

Breaking News

Met police set up special areas where violent protesters can be sterilised

Officials remove Andy Burnham's towel from front bench

Five-party system is broken, say experts

Eight cures for constipation - number two will surprise you

Starmer seen leaflet dropping for Reform in Makerfield

Eight ways to break your addiction to clickbait...

Yaxley-Lennon demands Farage share out £5m racist money

Reform's millions will crush Andy Burnham's election plan

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Down at Nige's Garage ...

Fascists now comminicate in Polari in case they get overheard

Saturday highlights

C'mon, Zack Polanski, get your sh*t together

From the Archive

Vandals criticised over time it took to deface Thatcher memorial

Vandals in the Lincolnshire town town of Grantham have been heavily criticised for the time it took them to deface a bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher, when two whole hours had dragged by before people eventually started throwing eggs at the 15ft monstrosity. Egg thrower Jason Beesley later apologised for not defacing the monument sooner but said it had been installed early on a Sunday morning and it had been difficult to source objects to throw at the former prime minister.

Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers

Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don

Vicars to to ditch dog collars and wear harnesses instead

A clergy cruelty campaign group has won a major concession from the Church of England after years of lobbying. Their campaign centered around the danger of strangulation from a dog collar compared to the far less harmful restraint from wearing a harness. The campaign followed the sad death from strangulation of Rev Matthew Hoddell who when escaping naked from a family home after the wife returned home earlier than expected, scaled the 8’ garden fence and may have escaped unno

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

That five million pounds: an explanation

David Attenborough reaches 100 by using fresh gorilla glands

The well-preserved centenarian puts his longevity down to feasting on and injecting exotic animals. His spokeswoman admitted, 'David has been fortunate to visit many endangered species, while having access to some of the best seasoning the BBC can pay for.' Who can forget his shows— Planet à la Carte, Life on a Plate or The Living Pantry. In the Blue Planet he explored today’s catch at a very reasonable price, with a side order of The Private Life of Prawns. And in Frozen P

Ted Turner, RIP

Ted Turner, the media mogul who launched CNN, has died, aged 87. Ted will be remembered for his fantastic contribution to education through his famous Ted talks and for setting up the well known Turner Prize for artists. He was also the inspiration for the detective, played by Tom Hanks, in the film Turner and Hooch. Ted is survived by his pop-icon daughter Tina Turner and his brother, British romantic painter JMW Turner. Image credit: Wix AI

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion. 'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.' The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Bargain hunters are showing little interest in the closure of 150 high street shops that were formerly WHSmith, but are now branded WTFlip. 'Nah,' said Barry, a seasoned eBay seller. 'Even at 50% off, I can get any of those books cheaper on the internet. And if you want to risk writing your own will, then you can do that on the internet too. Greetings cards - who does that any more? Just give 'em a WhatsApp. Or get a cheaper card at Card Factory. 'The computer stock is well

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Local News

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs

Taking their cue from an ugly and embarrassing incident at the British Academy Film and Television Awards (BAFTA), where an audience member shouted a racial slur, producers of several upcoming media awards shows are taking extra precautions to avoid a repeat at their events. John Amos, a producer for the Skinhead FilmFest, said, ‘As we are always conscious of our image, we will be taking all necessary measures to ensure an incident-free, family-friendly show. Security will b

Sport
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Entertainment

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

That five million pounds: an explanation

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

Comparison site to help Labour MPs

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 22nd May 2026

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

Met police set up special areas where violent protesters can be sterilised

Officials remove Andy Burnham's towel from front bench

Five-party system is broken, say experts

Eight cures for constipation - number two will surprise you

Starmer seen leaflet dropping for Reform in Makerfield

Eight ways to break your addiction to clickbait...

Yaxley-Lennon demands Farage share out £5m racist money

Reform's millions will crush Andy Burnham's election plan

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

Down at Nige's Garage ...

Fascists now comminicate in Polari in case they get overheard

Saturday highlights

C'mon, Zack Polanski, get your sh*t together

Vandals criticised over time it took to deface Thatcher memorial

Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers

Vicars to to ditch dog collars and wear harnesses instead

Our annual for 2021-22

Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

That five million pounds: an explanation

David Attenborough reaches 100 by using fresh gorilla glands

Ted Turner, RIP

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs