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Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer

The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting. Both parties refused to sit at the same tab

Wrenfoe

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Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Makerfield became the hottest entertainment spot in Britain as thousands crowded into the Burnham Man festival to vote for Andy the T-Shirt Mannequin and listen to his latest numbers: "Final Chance to Change" and "Hit the Road, Keir". On the hard right stage, Reform UK's Bob the Plumber sung a sad ballad called "I Got Flushed Down the Toilet". On the even harder right stage, Restore's Rupert Lowe, reprising his chosen role of human cockroach, entertained no one at all with hi

Jeremynh

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day. ‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors. ‘When I’m

Sully

Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”

Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”. “I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote. ”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Ref

eppursimuove

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 26th June 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

WINNER After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm robfalconer RUNNERS UP The good days when a farmer and his wife could have a laugh with the bike the EU paid for. tonymc Jane didn't realise that quads had no gearstick. But Dave knew what she was holding Sinnick "Of course we're entitled to disability benefits. We've got this mobility scooter, see?" jeremynh

"Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!"

WINNER "Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!" agstilp RUNNERS UP Hairy knees and bad breath, but very useful in the desert - as are the camels sirlupus Well, that's quite a cameltoe! lockjaw And then I told Harry after the meal I fancied a nice dessert robfalconer

Breaking News

Our highest priority is not over-paying the pensions, say Capita

Burnham promises to release the Johnson files when he becomes PM

No rush for Starmer to go - any time this week-end will do

Makerfield To Re-Join EU

Makerfield great again

Spurs to be given 3 minute breaks to change manager

Hydration break as Scotland fans stop drinking for 3 minutes

Two poles found near Stonehenge evidence for prehistoric washing line

Features

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

https://youtu.be/o71xEJ1F69s https://open.spotify.com/episode/1uRlciTeVrFLC6Qt3f2wz7?si=gwxOEF9CTxiHbyPJDe4ToQ Episode 61: Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Sketchly, Uncle Egg & Paul L Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

After all, tomorrow is another day

The devils you know

Another explanation for the Neolithic post holes found near Stonehenge

Getting some drinks in while the votes are being counted

From the Archive

Modern Thermometers Annoyed That Journalists Still Say They Contain Mercury

Modern thermometers across Britain are annoyed by the many inaccurate references by journalists to their mercury rising in hot weather. Modern thermometer Dan Warmness said “It’s decades since mercury was the most commonly used liquid in thermometers, and no disrespect to my silvery elders, they did a good job of measuring how nippy or scorchio it was, but there are many generations of us with a red stripe of coloured alcohol that won’t poison you if we break. We do a good jo

Microsoft Clippy returns as Prime Ministerial adviser

A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that Clippy will immediately be on board as part of the Prime Ministerial guidance team. Clippy is a beloved and treasured part of this nation's heritage. It first appeared in Office 97, coinciding with the Tories being out of office in the same year. Nevertheless, the current Government has decided that Clippy has many advantages relevant to today's issues. "Are you looking for a picture of a big dog?" "Do you want to convert that to

New dinosaur species found on Isle of Wight

It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:- 'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Por

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

Royal watcher thanks generous neighbours

An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said 'It's the least we could do really. We would

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire. "It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious b

Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use. 'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.' So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply: 'Marc Almond wa

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Local News

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised

After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon. Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press. 'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secu

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 26th June 2026

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

"Smile, honey! I found something more barren than you!"

Our highest priority is not over-paying the pensions, say Capita

Burnham promises to release the Johnson files when he becomes PM

No rush for Starmer to go - any time this week-end will do

Makerfield To Re-Join EU

Makerfield great again

Spurs to be given 3 minute breaks to change manager

Hydration break as Scotland fans stop drinking for 3 minutes

Two poles found near Stonehenge evidence for prehistoric washing line

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

After all, tomorrow is another day

The devils you know

Another explanation for the Neolithic post holes found near Stonehenge

Getting some drinks in while the votes are being counted

Modern Thermometers Annoyed That Journalists Still Say They Contain Mercury

Microsoft Clippy returns as Prime Ministerial adviser

New dinosaur species found on Isle of Wight

Our annual for 2021-22

Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield

Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Royal watcher thanks generous neighbours

Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Reform Government to transform daytime TV

Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised