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Great Election results, say all party leaders

Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted. And all the party leaders agree that they got great results. Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy. And also of removing the unaffordable

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Faced with a soaring budget deficit over the next two years, the British Broadcasting Corporation is to change its name to the "British Corporation". "In today's climate," said a corporate spokes-vacuum, "making TV and radio programmes is beyond our financial scope. However, we will maintain a fully-funded Director-General's Office and Governors' Board, as well as extravagent personnel, catering and accountancy units. We will be showcasing all that is best about UK corporate

Jeremynh

Careless Whisper FM

Smooth FM will change its name and move to broadcasting George Michael's Careless Whisper all day long, on a loop. The track has topped a listener poll for the eighth year in a row. A spokesman said, 'Okay, we give up! If that's all you want, then that's fine. There will still be plenty of variety on the radio station, as we have several different advertisers and we will still be using our famous automated AI deejay to introduce the track, give traffic updates, and remind lis

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Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

In a world of genocide, wars and another Minecraft Movie, the Met Gala continues to raise morale by having celebrities dress like Byzantine courtesans or people who like to cosplay as Liberace drunk. Not since the last days of Rome or the Ancien Régime, have we seen this many people in need of a guillotine. Said one homeless veteran, 'It helps to put my missing limbs into context, seeing Beyoncé dressed as skeleton in a giant feathered cape. I didn't know how lucky I was unti

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 8th May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

WINNER: It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters (Sinnick) RUNNERS UP: Dave and Julie had begun to run out of conversation topics as Windows Updates entered its third hour. (sydalg) After Darren's garlic lunch, Debbie wished they could go back to having Zoom meetings (robfalconer) You see Claire, mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman who already understands the situation (joe)

Come back to Epstein Island soon, you all!

WINNER: jeremynh RUNNERS UP Mary decided against the sightseeing trip to the Straits of Hormuz Sinnick Labour MP waves goodbye to its floating voters robfalconer

Breaking News

Hormuz War: Trump Seeks Closure

Hanta Chance of Spreading

Man who died of diarrhoea to be buried in pooper's grave

Knockoff Films presents: The Devil Wears Primark

'Project freedom' renamed 'Operation Hokey-Cokey'

BBC to publish photos of Poles outside dogging stations

Massive TACO sighted in the Strait of Hormuz

US says Iran is losing the ceasefire

Features

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Aries Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once. Taurus The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Nature Boy, David Attenborough turns 100 today

How much time gets spent thinking about life's imponderables?

Use your vote wisely

Voting for the blind to lead the blind

From the Archive

Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'

Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation: 'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity . 'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolute

New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy

News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry. Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have

Soldiers agree to 20% pay cut to work from home

Following an initiative from a London law firm, the Ministry of Defence has said many soldiers have agreed to take a pay cut to work from home. They denied the decision by squaddies is to avoid having to work from the Polish border instead. 'The army is full of resourceful people and we believe it is possible to practice marching in step with a couple of hundred virtual avatars on a Peloton and Call of Duty is a perfect way to practise tactics and weapon drills,' said a MoD

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Great Election results, say all party leaders

Dogs not allowed to say which way they'd vote

With the Welsh Sennedd, Scottish Parliament and a myriad number of local elections taking place on May 7th, the question is - which way would dogs vote? The local and national press search out dogs tied to polling station railings up and down the country on election days, mainly as a ruse to get around the ban on photographing individuals who may or may not be voting. Couple that with the blanket ban on reporting on political parties who may, or may not, be standing in the e

Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

Furious Trump withdraws thousands of US tourists from Europe

Incensed by the attitude of European countries to his war in the Middle East, Trump will be pulling back several brigades of dumb and deeply irritating US tourists from the continent. Piqued by Spain not letting him use its air bases to bomb Iranian children, Trump will withdraw 2,000 tourists who've been wandering around Madrid, wondering why it doesn't look like Milwaukee. He will recall 1,000 tourists from Italy who have been infuriating restauranteers by telling them how

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water. While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize. Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else h

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

On the 44th anniversary of the launch of the Sinclair Spectrum, aging gamers have been lamenting the loss of the iconic micro-computer online. 'If it was still supported it would run Twitter no problem, only nicer,' said one Spectrum fan. Another noted that 'it would have been a natural at emails, YouTube and PowerPoint, although saving to cassette might be a bit of a bind in this day and age. Apparently it failed not because of technological issues - ram pack wobble is now

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Careless Whisper FM

Sport
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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Great Election results, say all party leaders

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Careless Whisper FM

Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 8th May 2026

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

Come back to Epstein Island soon, you all!

Hormuz War: Trump Seeks Closure

Hanta Chance of Spreading

Man who died of diarrhoea to be buried in pooper's grave

Knockoff Films presents: The Devil Wears Primark

'Project freedom' renamed 'Operation Hokey-Cokey'

BBC to publish photos of Poles outside dogging stations

Massive TACO sighted in the Strait of Hormuz

US says Iran is losing the ceasefire

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Nature Boy, David Attenborough turns 100 today

How much time gets spent thinking about life's imponderables?

Use your vote wisely

Voting for the blind to lead the blind

Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'

New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy

Soldiers agree to 20% pay cut to work from home

Our annual for 2021-22

Great Election results, say all party leaders

Dogs not allowed to say which way they'd vote

Met Gala reassuringly tone deaf as always

Furious Trump withdraws thousands of US tourists from Europe

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Careless Whisper FM