Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.

rogt

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.

Jeremynh

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

A peace deal between the USA and Iran is 'tantalisingly close', according to an ill-informed member of the White House press office. The only stumbling block is how to divide up the tolls on shipping through the Strait of Hormuz. The US President has previously opposed charging tolls on shipping, but is coming round to the idea - as long as the US gets a decent share.

deskpilot

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Memories last almost as long as university debt, so unsurprisingly the British public are less than thrilled that Anthony Charles Lynton Blair has reappeared with all the delights of shingles. Telling us to embrace further austerity and privatization, he is the James Corden of war-criminals.

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Winner Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away … robfalconer Runners Up So I can certainly explain what your test results mean, but first hand over the cash sirlupus Sure, privatization has its challenges, but you were going to be dead soon enough anyway. agstilp Just ignore the Channel 4 film crew while I check for yeast infection Sinnick

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

WINNER: Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned apepper RUNNERS UP... ITV News dumbs down its graphics approach to show a major swing against Labour robfalconer They'll be fine now. Pub? Midfield Diamond Middle-class parents training children as young as three to be swing voters. sydalg You're right, this is the hardest job in the world. joe

Breaking News

Trump says crap deal with Iran is brilliant

Sturgeon assumed luxury motorhome was part of Amazon Prime free trial

University offers new course: Understanding Student loans

Water companies complacent as consumers say 'No pressure'

NEETs will only join workforce when it pays more than dealing, say experts

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Macca working on new song; When I'm 84

Residents of Moon's first housing estate complain about all the potholes

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

The surest way of getting nothing for something

US Congress: $250 note, Trump? Nah. You can have this!

Friday, May 29th: National Biscuit Day

Reform's Makerfield chances set to go down the drain

From the Archive

Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out". Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again. Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose. ‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our

Audience Flocks To Concert By Singing Quartet Who Didn't Actually Bother To Turn Up Themselves

'Here's to ABBsent friends!', the audience were heard to be chanting opening concert by the 70s singing quartet who...er...weren't actually there but will still be winners by taking it all financially. The singers' failure to be present in person, but just as ABBAtars rather than ABBA stars, is being described as an ABBeration. Image: Pixabay/pasja1000 www.newsbiscuit.com First published 28 May 2022 If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories f

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out. “It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Local News

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

Trump says crap deal with Iran is brilliant

Sturgeon assumed luxury motorhome was part of Amazon Prime free trial

University offers new course: Understanding Student loans

Water companies complacent as consumers say 'No pressure'

NEETs will only join workforce when it pays more than dealing, say experts

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Macca working on new song; When I'm 84

Residents of Moon's first housing estate complain about all the potholes

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

The surest way of getting nothing for something

US Congress: $250 note, Trump? Nah. You can have this!

Friday, May 29th: National Biscuit Day

Reform's Makerfield chances set to go down the drain

Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Audience Flocks To Concert By Singing Quartet Who Didn't Actually Bother To Turn Up Themselves

Our annual for 2021-22

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Flies deny they have no common sense