Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree

Donald Trump today raged against corruption at the bigly soccer jamboree after waking from an unscheduled nap to the news that USA had been thrashed by Belgium after the reinstatement of a banned player. After having his nappy changed and being reminded that the reinstated player was the star player of the USA, Trump called a press conference in which he said ' I call for this match to be declared void, and victory be awarded to the United States team. Not only did a banned

cliveoseman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

eppursimuove

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

Belgium brought this on themselves," ranted Trump at a NATO meeting in Ankara. "They broke the Memorandum of Understanding whereby if they knocked the US out of the World Cup, we'd bomb the hell out of them. "And even if they didn't understand this at the time, they sure as hell will when half of Brussels is in ruins. "I can't deal with them any more, they're scum," declared America's convicted criminal, scumbag president. "Just give me time to get across the other side of th

Jeremynh

King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic. "I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail. "Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer. "God knows how th

Jeremynh

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition

Caption Competition 10th July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

WINNER Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected. tonymc RUNNERS UP Dave wasn't surprised that his son-in-law kept sitting in the wrong place apepper The Johnson family could feel their adrenaline pumping like mad as they braced themselves for another dine-and-dash. sydalg Hey, I've got a great idea ... why don't each of us sit at a different side of the table! robfalconer

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

WINNER There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out. sydalg RUNNERRS UP The team were delighted when David got a letter confirming the world record for the longest forearm mcdabble Choose your own Dystopian Future with Center Parcs - military compound joe The three MPs stopped smiling the second they realised that Sir Keir's resignation letter was a fake robfalconer The script says,they all grin like in a toothpaste ad, so let's practise that ti

Breaking News

Man suffering from nocturnal urination often awake in the wee hours

Widdecombe wants Ruth Ellis exhumed and hanged again

Clacton to build special dedicated full-time polling stations, ready for future weekly by-elections

Trump blames Biden as USA exit World Cup

Footballer complains of sexual assault, after manager pulls him off early

Count Binface a real threat to Farage in coming election, say experts

Farage to spend £5m on by-election campaign

Suspension after red card now just advisory

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

I have a dream

Time for your meds, Donnie Dimbo

Don't laugh at my jokes too much, people will say we're in love

Everyone thinks they're a football expert, but some can't help talking utter bollocks

From the Archive

OED R&D jobs safe for another year

In order to keep themselves in a job, the Research and Development department at Oxford University have once again announced a plethora of new words to be added to their best selling book – The Dictionary These new words include: · Eco-tistical – When a person has such a massively inflated sense of self-importance, that they believe they can do absolutely anything they want and blame it on a sunny day or a bit of snow. This activity often brings society to a halt but that’s o

Boris demonstrates how to make a government entirely from leftovers

Embracing the 'womble' tag that has often been used to describe his appearance, UK Prime-Minister-for-now Boris Johnson has assembled anv entire government from the politicians that "ordinary folks left behind". Last seen rummaging in a Westminster skip looking for an Education Secretary, Johnson promised to cut political waste with his Real Junk Minister project. Representatives of the UK's food waste charities have sought to distance themselves from the PM's initiative, say

Royal Mail to charge Graham Brady per letter delivered

In a pre-emptive move, Royal Mail has announced that it will be charging on a 'per letter' basis for delivery of post to the address of Graham Brady, chair of the Conservative 1922 Committee for the next few days. 'We have suffered some tough economic conditions over recent months,' said a spokesperson for the Royal Mail, 'and this is just too good an opportunity to miss. We are expecting a big rise in post to Mr Brady over the next couple of days, and we could turn the fort

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’ The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lov

Trillionaires' Shortbread maker goes into receivership

It was a classic case of 'spot the gap in the market'. Two entrepreneurs from San Jose built a business making Trillionaires' Shortbread to satisfy the tastes of people like Elon Musk and, er, Elon Musk. 'People like Elon shouldn't have to put up with mere Billionaires' Shortbread', one of the identical whizzkids said. 'You might as well serve him Millionaires' Shortbread or Middle Management Shortbread. The notion!' Musk's trillionairedom was so short lived that the pair did

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Local News

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 10th July 2026

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

Man suffering from nocturnal urination often awake in the wee hours

Widdecombe wants Ruth Ellis exhumed and hanged again

Clacton to build special dedicated full-time polling stations, ready for future weekly by-elections

Trump blames Biden as USA exit World Cup

Footballer complains of sexual assault, after manager pulls him off early

Count Binface a real threat to Farage in coming election, say experts

Farage to spend £5m on by-election campaign

Suspension after red card now just advisory

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

I have a dream

Time for your meds, Donnie Dimbo

Don't laugh at my jokes too much, people will say we're in love

Everyone thinks they're a football expert, but some can't help talking utter bollocks

OED R&D jobs safe for another year

Boris demonstrates how to make a government entirely from leftovers

Royal Mail to charge Graham Brady per letter delivered

Our annual for 2021-22

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Trillionaires' Shortbread maker goes into receivership

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over

President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree