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HMS MacGuyver

The Royal Navy is being ridiculed globally following the humiliating news that it has no presence in the Middle East. The Labour government assures us that this is being dealt with as a priority. ‘The reason we don’t have any ships in the Middle East’ explains MOD spokesman, Clive Gobbins ‘is because we honestly thought it was all sand. Lots of sandy bits and rocky bits. We’ve only just realised that it actually has watery bits. But we’re working hard now, to make our presenc

sketchly

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Publishing:

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan

Netflix has confirmed that it won't pay for any more embarrassingly bad content from Meghan. This includes canning advertorials for American Riviera Orchard, or As Ever. As if? The new deal will allow Meghan to access all of Netflix's content, ad free, on a special new 'Royal Plan', for only $18 a month. The package comes with a special, once-in-a-lifetime, restraining order. Under the deal, Meghan will continue to pitch ideas for new embarrassingly bad content and Netflix ha

deskpilot

Trump and cronies to unleash snake oil reserves

"People are saying to me: 'Sir, Sir, we're running out of snake oil. Please can you give us more snake oil?" Donald Trump lied to America's dimmest and most credulous reporters (Fox News). "I said to them, come and get it," the president continued. "I have an inexhaustible supply of the stuff. "And my slimiest, creepiest, most fork-tongued allies on the Board of Peace, such as Putin and Lukashenko, have agreed to release their vast reserves of snake oil onto the markets, as w

Jeremynh

“Is rugby why I’m thick?” asks documentary

Dave Plank, once the tight head prop for West Yorkshire Boneheads, has presented a documentary looking at whether injuries sustained while playing rugby are the reason he’s thick. ”Ah remember we used ter train every weekday for ‘ours and ‘ours, constantly bashing us ‘eads together int mud and pourin’ rain, just so we could do t’same on Saturdeh. Which suggests we were quite thick alreadeh, ter be honest.” This suggestion was echoed by his mother, Maureen Plank (née Arkwright

eppursimuove

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 13th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Winner: Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Struggle to remove Farage from Trump's arse continues." (APepper); "Carlos' Chihuahua was a tad reluctant to go to the vet's." (Sinnick).

Thames Water's Fatberg Black Team Wait for the Tugs to Deliver Their Biggest Challenge yet.

Winner: Walter Eagle Runners-Up: "Yoga group realise Jesus made it sound way easier than it is." (Danny Dodger); "Government employs UK's population of goths to stop the boats." (Adrian Bamforth).

Breaking News

'Sink more tankers', plead oil firms

'Thanks, Trump', says Just Stop Oil

Hormuz! Why did no one warn me says Trump

White House announces today's objectives for the war

Australia announces new women's five a side football team

Evri says HMS Dragon out for delivery today

Miserly bartender makes a mean cocktail

Just as Russia was running out of money for its war, Trump to the rescue!

Features

Olympic Todger, Post Office Traffic & Police Frogs – NewsBiscuit Podcast 58

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6wA1gPtATLOqeZzfT89Qcc?si=xAoEEKfrRW6Ebk6AVg_WQw https://youtu.be/0zgNaZUEZ9Q Episode58: lympic Todger, Post Office Traffic & Police Frogs Comedynews from NewsBiscuit FeaturingGuests: Dan Sweryt and Ian Searle Host:Wrenfoe. Feb-March 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, PodcastAddict & Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Cars fitted with ultrasound repellent may reduce hedgehog fatalities

Menopause pragmatism

What was holding things up for HMS Dragon?

HMS Draggedon now equipped

From the Archive

Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments. As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Govern

‘Worst day of my life’ says man having to wait his turn at McDonalds drive thru

A Dewsbury man has told of his pain and suffering after being forced to join the queue at his local McDonalds drive-thru. Jason Beesley took to social media to complain about the ordeal saying that it was 10 minutes of his life he would never see again. The father of four says his kids had endured an agonisingly long wait before their meal arrived and had missed part of their favourite TV show as a result. Jason said he could not think of anything worse than having to sit hel

'If we make the UK rubbish enough, maybe they won't come?'

The government is staking its reputation on stopping asylum seekers crossing the channel in small boats. The latest government initiative is to provide asylum seekers with more realistic information about life in Britain, in the hope that this will encourage them to look elsewhere. A spokesman said that negative posts about Britain on social media will act as a huge deterrent. For example, asylum seekers will be told that public housing in Britain is not all it’s cracked up t

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Trump and cronies to unleash snake oil reserves

HMS MacGuyver

‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers

‘We could run out of make-up within days,’ warn Dubai influencers Influencers across Dubai have warned that make-up supplies and beauty product are running low and could run out within days unless the Government acts now to replenish their dwindling stocks. You Tube influencer Gemma from South London said the Government must step in to make sure beauty products and top brand merchandise can reach those that need it most. ‘This war could not have come at a worse time’ said Gem

Senior YouTube exec dies after following company policies

Steve Sawgrass, a 55 year-old YouTube senior manager has sadly passed-away after company policies prevented, and some have claimed, accelerated his demise. 'Steve suffered a minor heart tremor yesterday evening,' said his fifth-wife Sarah, 'and we turned immediately to the YouTube app on how best to help him. Unfortunately a two minute ad on the benefits of life insurance, followed by an ad on no-risk off-plan property investments in Dubai further impacted his health' 'The fi

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Windows CEO Satya Nadella explains why they introduced Windows 11

Satya Nadella : The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and... NewsBiscuit: Oh, I see. And most operating systems go up to ten? Satya Nadella: Exactly. NewsBiscuit: Does that mean it's better? Is it any better? Satya Nadella: Well, it's one better, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most users, you know, will be using ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your PC. Where can you go

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats, Amazon Slime

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan

“Is rugby why I’m thick?” asks documentary

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

HMS MacGuyver

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan

Trump and cronies to unleash snake oil reserves

“Is rugby why I’m thick?” asks documentary

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 13th March

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Thames Water's Fatberg Black Team Wait for the Tugs to Deliver Their Biggest Challenge yet.

'Sink more tankers', plead oil firms

'Thanks, Trump', says Just Stop Oil

Hormuz! Why did no one warn me says Trump

White House announces today's objectives for the war

Australia announces new women's five a side football team

Evri says HMS Dragon out for delivery today

Miserly bartender makes a mean cocktail

Just as Russia was running out of money for its war, Trump to the rescue!

Olympic Todger, Post Office Traffic & Police Frogs – NewsBiscuit Podcast 58

Cars fitted with ultrasound repellent may reduce hedgehog fatalities

Menopause pragmatism

What was holding things up for HMS Dragon?

HMS Draggedon now equipped

Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

‘Worst day of my life’ says man having to wait his turn at McDonalds drive thru

'If we make the UK rubbish enough, maybe they won't come?'

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump and cronies to unleash snake oil reserves

HMS MacGuyver

‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers

Senior YouTube exec dies after following company policies

Windows CEO Satya Nadella explains why they introduced Windows 11

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan

“Is rugby why I’m thick?” asks documentary