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Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”. The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs

Scribbles

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Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough". The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titan

eppursimuove

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

New footage of part of Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket smashing into the Moon reveals two bright flashes just before impact. The flashes appear to come from a yellow box at the top of a pole rising some 5 metres out of the lunar surface, leading UK scientists to speculate that someone or some thing has placed speed cameras on the Moon. Who would take such action? Jeff Bezos? The Amazon boss’ Blue Origin space program is well underway, but still lags behind Musk. Maybe it’s Bezos’ w

rogt

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

‘If everyone smells the same, then nobody can point the finger at the President. That’s why I’m willing to soil my underpants at work if it means distracting olfactory attention away from POTUS odour,’ said one White House Official who preferred not to be named. ‘ It doesn’t matter if the Oval office smells like shit if it helps Make America Great Again. A whole bunch of us are doing the same and we regard it as an honour to dispel communist myths that the president is incont

NickB

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 7th of August

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

And this is the new No.10 North

WINNER And this is the new No.10 North by Matilda/Sinnick RUNNERS UP The age old trick of baking bread and cooking fresh coffee to make homes appear attractive, inevitably becomes the norm when flogging caravans modelmaker Debbie had assumed Harry was an opera singer when he said he had a Nissan Dormer robfalconer Sharon was disappointed with her promised holiday to Kam Ping robfalconer If he says ,this is better than a hotel one more time , he's getting this ho

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Breaking News

Faulty kettle in signal box source of rail power outage

Mental health centres to open in banks and libraries – if you can find one

Two loos Lautrec flushed with success

Academic says resignation was entirely his own idea

I would have stopped Norman invasion, says Farage

Meredith Kercher's sister criticises knox-knox jokes

Farage admits biggest fear: immigration might stop

Gianni Infantino tipped to take over at Thames Water

Features

Caption Competition 7th of August

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Cartoons

Another Arday at the office

When first we practice to deceive

What was I saying?

Getting tougher with fly tippers

From the Archive

BBC series to make Steven Hawking's Brief History of Time even briefer

An educational series that some in the BBC had hoped would restore credibility to BBC output will be shortened in case viewers started to think objectively about time and start to think about how long the Tory party had been able to remain in power, despite doing nothing to warrant it. In leaked minutes of BBC management meetings, Newsbiscuit read discussions between senior BBC managers about eliminating all mention of time from CBBC programmes and an effort to convince the I

Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table

Members of Liz Truss’s team are said to be delighted with the progress she’s making on the reception class mathematics book they bought her last week. One high profile but low competence cabinet minister who’s part of the team said: ‘We’re delighted with Liz’s progress. She’s currently got her two times table buttoned up and after she passes her little exam tomorrow she’s pressing ahead with the threes. Given a bit of luck and cramming she may be up to twelve by September. Ev

Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy

Provider of information to woke snowflakes, Channel 4 News, still thinks what unfunny clowns do and say in their bids to become Britain's Silliest Prime Minister is actually news. No self-respecting fully paid up Conservative member even acknowledges the existence of Channel 4, never mind watch its news output. The only known incident where it happened was in 2019 when Gerry SaintJohn-Smythe from Bournemouth accidentally pressed the wrong button on his remote control, later c

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age. 'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles. 'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an abi

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

With Mediterranean countries mostly ablaze, boozed up Brits abroad have been making the best of it 'I know the locals have lost their homes and possessions to an all-consuming apocalyptic wall of flame' droned one 'but where is my roast beef with all the trimmings? I’m on holiday in Spain so I want Yorkshire pudding, but all I can see is charcoal and despair. I’m sweating buckets here and I can’t even find a Fab lolly to cool me down.' Other Brits have opted to vacation in th

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show. Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism. It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time t

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80

Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t. Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to ra

Sport
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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 7th of August

And this is the new No.10 North

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Faulty kettle in signal box source of rail power outage

Mental health centres to open in banks and libraries – if you can find one

Two loos Lautrec flushed with success

Academic says resignation was entirely his own idea

I would have stopped Norman invasion, says Farage

Meredith Kercher's sister criticises knox-knox jokes

Farage admits biggest fear: immigration might stop

Gianni Infantino tipped to take over at Thames Water

Caption Competition 7th of August

Another Arday at the office

When first we practice to deceive

What was I saying?

Getting tougher with fly tippers

BBC series to make Steven Hawking's Brief History of Time even briefer

Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table

Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy

Our annual for 2021-22

Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80