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BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' with a story instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine'

scottfutile

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

Jeremynh

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

The Guardian revealed that a regular column in the newspaper, has been written by the Large Language Model and has been published under the codename of 'Adrian Chiles'.

Walter Eagle

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

With fuel prices set to rise, the world is expected to don its leather biker gear and fight to the death for the last drop of unleaded. Advice is to redesign your wardrobe for airflow, spikes, and intimidation.

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

Winner: APepper Runners-Up: "Car boot sale curated by Tate gallery." (SirLupus); "New Ryanair-IKEA partnership requires passengers to assemble plane before take-off." (Sydalg).

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Winner; Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Trump announces new presidential seal." (APepper); "Incredibly small man fights off slug." (MrQ).

Breaking News

Migrants threatened with prosecution for not being homosexual

First image of Trump spotted on toast by faithful

“It’s not a miracle, I’m a doctor”, says Jesus

Pope posts fake images of America being led well

Trump crucified for Jesus video

LGBT lions celebrate Gay Pride month

Trump claims Papal election was stolen

Trump invades Vatican City

Features

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

Sir Lupus

Cartoons

Yesterday in PMQs

250 years and USA has another delusional man in charge

At the centre of Dante's Inferno of today

Meanwhile, outside a delivery room far, far away

From the Archive

Elon Musk offers to buy "100% of Twitter for $43bn" or "200% for $86bn"

Billionaire Elon Musk has offered $43bn to personally acquire Twitter. More controversially, he has offered $86bn to buy two Twitters. "It's good to have a spare", explained Mr Musk, "I kept my old phone when I upgraded recently, just in case something happens. If I accidentally dropped Twitter or, more likely, accidentally got involved in a ruinous libel suit, then I'd like to have another one I could pull out of the drawer." www.newsbiscuit.com First published 16 April 2022

Decency and Credibility announce total split from Johnson's administration

In a joint statement released earlier this afternoon, the virtues Decency and Credibility have confirmed they have cut all ties with the current government and are taking legal steps to ensure the split remains permanent, or until there is a change of administration. Credibility said: 'The writing has been on the wall for some time now, and in all honesty I knew when Boris Johnson became Prime Minister I was going to be badly compromised. The man has no scruples whatsoever an

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue. Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' with a story instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine'

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

Jenny (42) won almost £3,000 in compensation from the Enid Blyton Estate after we proved that she had been mis sold a life involving ginger beer, missing scientists and improbable adventures on Scottish islands.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

The Guardian revealed that a regular column in the newspaper, has been written by the Large Language Model and has been published under the codename of 'Adrian Chiles'.

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Local News

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

Local glue factories are said to be furious.

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

Sport
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Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 17th April

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

US Airman, Who Went Missing in Iran, Thanks Navy Seal for Rescuing Him.

Migrants threatened with prosecution for not being homosexual

First image of Trump spotted on toast by faithful

“It’s not a miracle, I’m a doctor”, says Jesus

Pope posts fake images of America being led well

Trump crucified for Jesus video

LGBT lions celebrate Gay Pride month

Trump claims Papal election was stolen

Trump invades Vatican City

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

Yesterday in PMQs

250 years and USA has another delusional man in charge

At the centre of Dante's Inferno of today

Meanwhile, outside a delivery room far, far away

Elon Musk offers to buy "100% of Twitter for $43bn" or "200% for $86bn"

Decency and Credibility announce total split from Johnson's administration

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Our annual for 2021-22

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s