Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Firefighting planes helpfully putting out wildfires that they made

Why settle for preventing global warming when you can enjoy the far more exciting process of warming the globe, setting it on fire, and then putting it out again? With 4% of global warming caused by plane travel, firefighting aircraft prove that with enough aviation fuel, every environmental problem can become a growth sector.

Wrenfoe

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Brilliant England were rubbish all along

TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.

cliveoseman

Semi final loss means England must hand over Falklands and possibly Isle of Wight

England's defeat to Argentina in the World Cup semi final means that they must now hand over control of the Falkland Islands to the South Americans. In his last week on the job - and presumably drunk - Keir Starmer suggested a double or quits rematch with the Isle of Wight as collateral, alongside the Isle of Man, the Isle of Dogs and the Isle of Wight again, just to make sure.

stewartbarclay

Tuchel confirms that England are practicing handballs

England manager Thomas Tuchel has confirmed that his World Cup squad has practiced deliberately but surreptitiously punching the ball into the goal ahead of their semi-final match against Argentina. Players such as Harry Kane and Anthony Gordon, who are already skilled at diving in the penalty area and feigning injury, are said to be excited at adding a new cheating aspect to their game.

Midfield Diamond

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

WINNER Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him. sirlupus RUNNERS UP A Norton 360 VPN, and we're back on Porn Hub baby! custardcream Is it weird that we can direct air strikes on Iran like this? jeremynh Heartwarming scene as two children create cherished memories for Apple’s shareholders. fernandomando Hey! There's instructions on this website for how to take a backpack OFF. writinginbsl Children watch in delight as Andy Burnham announces

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

WINNER Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected. tonymc RUNNERS UP Dave wasn't surprised that his son-in-law kept sitting in the wrong place apepper The Johnson family could feel their adrenaline pumping like mad as they braced themselves for another dine-and-dash. sydalg Hey, I've got a great idea ... why don't each of us sit at a different side of the table! robfalconer

Breaking News

Well, there goes your bank holiday

Coal miner says his job is the pits

BBC to be funded by sales of class A drugs, says report

Man who stole faulty jacuzzi now in hot water

Buyer of world's most expensive dinosaur calls it Nigel

Man in boring job improves as he gets to know the drill

Russian petrol now contains more than 50% vodka

Man crosses a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu. The Kennel Club call it Bull-Sh!t

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

New merch from Trump Corp

Enforcing that social media curfew

Government failing Farage over security, says Jenrick

T Rex skeleton sold at auction for £37.4m

From the Archive

Biden repeats calls for new ‘shooty stick’ laws

What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight. But former president Trump said

Grimsby man tells of harrowing ten-hour ordeal with Bear Grylls

A Grimsby man has told of the 'harrowing ten-hour ordeal' he endured when having to watch an entire series of Bear Grylls survival shows. Tim Hogarth said: 'It was my turn to have access to my son Daniel for the weekend, so with a long Saturday stretching out before us I was delighted when he suggested we just stayed in, ordered pizza and streamed box sets. 'How was I to know the silly little bugger had become obsessed with Bear Grylls and his ludicrous survival drivel. God h

I’ll make everybody a non-dom, says Nadhim Zahawi

In the latest tax cutting pledge from a Tory leadership hopeful, Nadhim Zahawi has said he’ll make everybody in the UK a non-dom if he becomes Prime Minister. “It is the best way I know of to lower your personal tax bill,” he said. “This move will help ordinary working families with millions, or even billions, held in a low-tax offshore jurisdictions.” The move immediately caused Sajid Javid to back Mr Zahawi’s campaign. It also led to a big argument in the Sunak household ab

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Semi final loss means England must hand over Falklands and possibly Isle of Wight

Trump loses his sh!t

US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said, 'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during th

Ryanair announces new perks

'Fresh air is a rare commodity and we're proud to be the first airline to offer this,' said a Ryanair spokesman, 'and at only £7 it's a steal,' he added. 'We accept there are less dramatic ways of achieving this and are actively retrofitting hinges and release mechanisms under the control of cabin staff. This does not include sticking your head out to get a better view, obviously. That's £5 extra', he said. image from Google Gemini Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscu

Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all

The 'Previously..' segment at the start of episode 4 of an ITV crime drama bears frustratingly little connection to what you've watched over the last 3 episodes, and is actually making you question your memory and sanity, it has been confirmed. The plot of 'Gone for Good' seems relatively straightforward and you were quite enjoying it - a slow-burning 6 parter, about a seemingly sociopathic doctor who is the prime suspect in the murder of his wife and the guy she was having

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Ryanair announces new perks

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery. The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's har

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Local News

Brilliant England were rubbish all along

Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Firefighting planes helpfully putting out wildfires that they made

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Brilliant England were rubbish all along

Semi final loss means England must hand over Falklands and possibly Isle of Wight

Tuchel confirms that England are practicing handballs

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

Parents surprised to find Poppy's Tinder date was a little older than they had expected.

Well, there goes your bank holiday

Coal miner says his job is the pits

BBC to be funded by sales of class A drugs, says report

Man who stole faulty jacuzzi now in hot water

Buyer of world's most expensive dinosaur calls it Nigel

Man in boring job improves as he gets to know the drill

Russian petrol now contains more than 50% vodka

Man crosses a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu. The Kennel Club call it Bull-Sh!t

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

New merch from Trump Corp

Enforcing that social media curfew

Government failing Farage over security, says Jenrick

T Rex skeleton sold at auction for £37.4m

Biden repeats calls for new ‘shooty stick’ laws

Grimsby man tells of harrowing ten-hour ordeal with Bear Grylls

I’ll make everybody a non-dom, says Nadhim Zahawi

Our annual for 2021-22

Semi final loss means England must hand over Falklands and possibly Isle of Wight

Trump loses his sh!t

Ryanair announces new perks

Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all

Ryanair announces new perks

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Brilliant England were rubbish all along

Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all