Classic News:

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The News before it happens

HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse".

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Slow Horses to sue Reform over copyright infringement

Spy comedy writer Mick Herron is rumoured* to be considering legal action after discovering that Reform is really just Slough House for Tories.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Reform campaign for bots to get universal suffrage

'Bots are such an integral part of daily life,' said a spokesman, possibly an AI agent, for Reform UK Ltd, 'that it's impossible to imagine daily debate on social media without them'.

Throngsman

Don't not believe anything unless you didn't read it on X

In a world where previously trusted news sources are being dismissed, ranging from the BBC to Angela from number 14, it is increasingly important that you verify and dismiss anything you read or hear.

Throngsman

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 20th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"I Remember When This was all Narnia"

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Victorian Lamp Spotting Society tragically misses out on a sighting." (SirLupus); "Blimey - he's cropped that edge a bit close..." (Sketchly)

The Wheelchair Ramp to the Public Toilets was a Cruel Joke.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Is this the way to the Möbius Strip Club?" (Sinnick); "No one had made the loop yet on the new Walker-Coaster." (Bill Clay).

Breaking News

Keir Starmer gives up for Lent

ICE agents can't take the heat

Did you fritter away pancake day?

Jenrick hoping to build on Rwanda success with Reform

World in shock as Trump pays tribute to deceased non-white person

Palestine Action protestors to be subjected to 'Trial by Ordeal'

Movie world in shock after British actor isn't linked to James Bond role

Is Curling the new Cage Fighting ?

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

People 'walking in the wrong place' at Heathrow

Technical issue with Eurovision

You entitled, snobbish fop, Zahawi

There's nuffink new under the sun without imaginative tweaking

From the Archive

Grand Jury report suggests Trump may have said something truthful

The long awaited Grand Jury investigation into former president Donald Trump's meddling into the result of the Georgia election has revealed a sensational report that Mr Trump may have, inadvertently, said some honest. The key extract comes just before Trump's infamous telephone call to the Georgia governor, "We believe that Mr Trump turned to one of his aides and said, 'Nice day for me to organise some electoral fraud'. Careful examination of the weather reports for Washingt

Shoppers questioning if fizzy grapefruit is nice or not?

The pop wars are hotting up again! But move over colas, there’s a tropical fruity battle happening on supermarket shelves. With Lilt officially changing its name to Fanta pineapple & grapefruit on the stroke of midnight on the fifteenth of February, like a bottled Cinderella with bubbles, shoppers have now noticed it contains grapefruit and some have said “urrgh!”. Grapefruit can be reminiscent of fad diets, being squirted in the eye, nibbling half a cherry which looks a bit

A pome for Scotland

My job has become such a burden Requiring a lot of exertion I'm jacking it in I leave with a grin It's goodnight from Nicola Sturgeon Image:Pixabay/Derek Muller www.newsbiscuit.com First published 16 Feb 2023 If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks? Earth to be Recycled Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours 15 Years of Typos Lego to Replace Bitcoins

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Politics

Slow Horses to sue Reform over copyright infringement

Spy comedy writer Mick Herron is rumoured* to be considering legal action after discovering that Reform is really just Slough House for Tories.

Reform campaign for bots to get universal suffrage

'Bots are such an integral part of daily life,' said a spokesman, possibly an AI agent, for Reform UK Ltd, 'that it's impossible to imagine daily debate on social media without them'.

HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse".

Don't not believe anything unless you didn't read it on X

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Local News

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him. "Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker. "He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours. "Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning str