Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead

The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime. "We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes. "But when we went to lock

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

World Snooker to introduce compulsory hydration breaks

Taking hydration breaks in sport has been popularised by the World Cup. Although football matches are defined as being 90 minutes long, played in two halves of equal length, FIFA agreed to amend the format in the interests of player welfare and ad revenue. Mostly the latter. World Cup matches in 2026 were played in four halves, with each of the original halves halved again. The snooker authorities are following FIFA’s lead. Snooker players are under the lights for even lo

deskpilot

Snooker star to sue Meta AI after asking it who he is...

On asking Meta AI 'Who is Judd Trump?' The man himself got this reply Donald "Judd" Trump is a British former world snooker champion who now serves as the president of the United States. Born in Bristol in 1946 he rapidly rose to become world number one and reigned supreme until senility started to set in and he couldn't remember how many points each ball was worth. Claiming bone spurs, he painted himself orange, believing there to be an orange ball worth 10 points, retired f

cliveoseman

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Kier Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said “I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained camper van outside number 11. We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good

Robowurzel

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition

Caption Competition 3rd July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

WINNER There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out. sydalg RUNNERRS UP The team were delighted when David got a letter confirming the world record for the longest forearm mcdabble Choose your own Dystopian Future with Center Parcs - military compound joe The three MPs stopped smiling the second they realised that Sir Keir's resignation letter was a fake robfalconer The script says,they all grin like in a toothpaste ad, so let's practise that ti

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

WINNER After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm robfalconer RUNNERS UP The good days when a farmer and his wife could have a laugh with the bike the EU paid for. tonymc Jane didn't realise that quads had no gearstick. But Dave knew what she was holding Sinnick "Of course we're entitled to disability benefits. We've got this mobility scooter, see?" jeremynh

Breaking News

King Charles seeking better-paid job

Trump threatens Iran with a massive earthquake

Police in the Black Country in search for "Bostin Stangler"

Farage supporters, demand hydration breaks during this Summer's riots

Buckingham Palace 'Not posh enough for Camilla" says Charles

Royals still not keen on paying Inheritance Tax

Burnham to move part of No. 10 to Manchester and Larry offered part in Corrie titles

Sharp rise in number of Scots boycotting the world cup

Features

Green Algae, Furry Trout and the Sentient Dictionary - NewsBiscuit Podcast 62

https://youtu.be/h6yX34PU0DQ https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/newsbiscuit/episodes/Green-Algae--Furry-Trout-and-the-Sentient-Dictionary---NewsBiscuit-Podcast-62-e3lbijl Episode 62: Green Algae, Furry Trout and the Sentient Dictionary Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Mrs Wrenfoe, Dan Sweryt & PaulL Host: Wrenfoe. June-July 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes,Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Sp

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Merch now available

As a tribute to Bladerunner on it's 44th anniversary of, Keir Starmer ends his speech

Some poor sods do have to stand on ceremony

New book launch - 'Where's Nigel?' - £5m a copy

From the Archive

"Prigozhin, you pussy!" news consumer yells to himself

"Is that it, Prigozhin, you pathetic pussy!" a consumer of online news yelled out to no one but himself on Sunday morning, throwing his device into a corner of his bedroom in dejection. Friends of the online news consumer, who lives in Swindon, say he had been gearing himself up since the small hours of Saturday morning for what he predicted down the pub at lunchtime would be "a perfectly good civil war in Russia". "He was doing his nut that the motorised column of Wagner mut

Boris 'Would be mad to seek psychological help'

While many Prime Ministers would be reeling after losing two by-elections, a party chair and a packet of cheese strings on the same day, Boris Johnson was reported to be upbeat, if a little disappointed to have lost the cheese strings. 'Boris likes his cheese,' explained an aide. The suggestion he might need psychological evaluation was poo-poo'd. 'You'd have to be mad to see a shrink,' said one supporter, while another suggested that the Prime Minister had 'put the loop in

Bohemian Rish-sody

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Facing a landslide, no escape from reality Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see I'm just a To - ry, I’ll get no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go, rose too high, falling low Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me Tories, I screwed it up I put a gun against your head I called election, now you’re dead Tories, my term had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Tories, ooh-ooh, looks like

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

Met Office issues Extreme Red Warning about making references to the summer of 1976

The Met Office has issued a rare Extreme Red Warning today, calling for limits on making comparisons between the current heatwave and the UK drought of 1976. The warning comes as references to the summer of 1976 - particularly from your gran - continue to reach unprecedented highs. 'As global temperatures continue to rise, its perhaps inevitable that we'll see an uptick in nostalgic and sometimes passive-aggressive references to how much hotter the heatwave in 1976 was compar

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool

After their success with the Strait of Hormuz, Iran said it would be happy to assist President Trump with his next humiliating U-turn. Obviously, each reflects things back slightly distorted, whether it’s the Washington Monument or the entire concept of geopolitics. And both could, in theory, be described as strategically shallow but symbolically deep. They have an alarming tendency to become the centre of global attention despite being, at heart, just… water doing very litt

Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Sociologists are concerned that human relationships may soon become obsolete after Elon Musk decided to ditch Tesla cars as a significant source of innovative entrepreneurial ambition; and concentrate his attention on developing AI sex dolls. Unveiling Aphrodite X1 at the Las Vegas Pseudo-Onanist Convention, he promised his new, ultra-realistic AI sex doll would fulfil every man’s fantasy partner; and can be programmed to engage in every perversion mentioned on the Interweb,

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Local News

World Snooker to introduce compulsory hydration breaks

Snooker star to sue Meta AI after asking it who he is...

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

World Snooker to introduce compulsory hydration breaks

Snooker star to sue Meta AI after asking it who he is...

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 3rd July 2026

There was a revived interest in office memos when the toilet paper ran out.

After the accident, this was Jason’s way of apologising to Julia for the loss of her left arm

King Charles seeking better-paid job

Trump threatens Iran with a massive earthquake

Police in the Black Country in search for "Bostin Stangler"

Farage supporters, demand hydration breaks during this Summer's riots

Buckingham Palace 'Not posh enough for Camilla" says Charles

Royals still not keen on paying Inheritance Tax

Burnham to move part of No. 10 to Manchester and Larry offered part in Corrie titles

Sharp rise in number of Scots boycotting the world cup

Green Algae, Furry Trout and the Sentient Dictionary - NewsBiscuit Podcast 62

Merch now available

As a tribute to Bladerunner on it's 44th anniversary of, Keir Starmer ends his speech

Some poor sods do have to stand on ceremony

New book launch - 'Where's Nigel?' - £5m a copy

"Prigozhin, you pussy!" news consumer yells to himself

Boris 'Would be mad to seek psychological help'

Bohemian Rish-sody

Our annual for 2021-22

Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

Met Office issues Extreme Red Warning about making references to the summer of 1976

Prince George disappointed not to be in Gryffindor

Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool

Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

World Snooker to introduce compulsory hydration breaks

Snooker star to sue Meta AI after asking it who he is...