Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real
As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh
Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over
Belgium brought this on themselves," ranted Trump at a NATO meeting in Ankara. "They broke the Memorandum of Understanding whereby if they knocked the US out of the World Cup, we'd bomb the hell out of them. "And even if they didn't understand this at the time, they sure as hell will when half of Brussels is in ruins. "I can't deal with them any more, they're scum," declared America's convicted criminal, scumbag president. "Just give me time to get across the other side of th
President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree
Donald Trump today raged against corruption at the bigly soccer jamboree after waking from an unscheduled nap to the news that USA had been thrashed by Belgium after the reinstatement of a banned player. After having his nappy changed and being reminded that the reinstated player was the star player of the USA, Trump called a press conference in which he said ' I call for this match to be declared void, and victory be awarded to the United States team. Not only did a banned
King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation
"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic. "I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail. "Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer. "God knows how th
King Charles in 'advanced talks' over Haaland problem
King King Charles is said to be making good progress in his bid to get Donald Trump to force.... sorry, request FIFA to issue a retrospective red card to Erling Haaland for doing nothing wrong in Norway's world cup round of 16 win over Brazil, thereby making the freak of nature ineligible for the quarter final with England,, Citing the special relationship, Charles wasn't making much progress so he then moved on to the next stage, threatening to ask the relevant people to
Clacton loses hardworking MP
As Nigel Farage resigns, the constituents of Clacton will have to do without his uncanny ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing. They fondly recalled his ‘delegating’ of casework tasks by pretending not to hear them. And whose main parliamentary achievement was turning up late and leaving early. One Clacton resident observed, ‘I admired his unwavering commitment to avoiding eye contact when responsibility approached. And I’ll miss his bold stance of abstaining fr
Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer
'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.' 'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limite
Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise
Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’ The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lov
FIFA announces USA has won the World Cup
In a move that has the football world in a spin, Gianni Infantino declared last night the remaining two week schedule of World Cup matches has been scrapped and that the trophy will be presented to Donald Trump who will receive it in part on behalf of the US team but really mostly for himself. Infantino told the media: 'It will give me great pleasure to present the cup to President Trump, who as we all know, is the undisputed greatest world leader ever to have lived. He has
Trump promotes Crypto-Diapers
A spokesman for the President said today that the president 'is proud to promote Trump Crypto-Diapers, they're bigly good for sh!t that stinks and act as diapers as well'. Trump has been criticised for his meme coins and other crypto endeavours, although as he has gained (allegedly) $1.2B from them while his supporters, who bought them (allegedly) lost a similar amount to the exact penny suggests someone in the administration knows what they're doing - screwing MAGA, for st
