Classic News:

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The News before it happens

Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Farage denies doing wrong is wrongdoing

Nigel Farage has claimed his incredible complicated financial affairs are entirely transparent and above board 'assuming that the board is one of those making up the very bottom of the barrel.'

apepper

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.

Sully

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

The Newsbiscuit Editorial Team would like to welcome our new robot overlords. Our only request that our inevitable liquidation is both quick and painless.

cliveoseman

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Caption Competition

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

WINNER Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit fernandomando RUNNERS UP Researchers prove Paul Hollywood’s sourdough starter has become self-aware fernandomando Scientists try to find a way to put the President's brain back in again robfalconer Isle of Wight scientists create cultural dessert fernandomando

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

WINNER Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him. sirlupus RUNNERS UP A Norton 360 VPN, and we're back on Porn Hub baby! custardcream Is it weird that we can direct air strikes on Iran like this? jeremynh Heartwarming scene as two children create cherished memories for Apple’s shareholders. fernandomando Hey! There's instructions on this website for how to take a backpack OFF. writinginbsl Children watch in delight as Andy Burnham announces

Breaking News

Blakey from On the Buses to be new Minister of Transport

Battery terminal supplier able to make a positive contribution to the high street

Trump celebrates as oil hits $100 a barrel again

It's part of Brits culture to fight on planes insists Farage

Burnham cuts cost of throwing Starmer under a bus

Disappointment as Russian warship fails to hit Plymouth

Burnham asks new cabinet: 'does anyone have any ideas?'

Burnham clapped in - Starmer clapped-out

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Anticipating the meeting of the 't-shirt Premiers'

Trouble at rumour mill

Burnham plotting move for No 10 East and West

It's all pay after British PMs embarrassed their alma mater

From the Archive

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest

The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays. Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Ou

Tory member hugely disappointed with 'blue on blue action' in leadership contest

A Conservative party member is said to be feeling hugely let-down after being promised hot 'blue on blue action' by the media this week, in the Tory leadership contest. Humphrey Page-Turner, 66, had drawn his curtains and turned his phone to do not disturb to enjoy the televised debate between the remaining candidates alone in the privacy of his Berkshire home, but was left perplexed by the mild content that resulted. 'There was literally nothing to merit the 18+ rating I had

Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese. 'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your po

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Farage denies doing wrong is wrongdoing

Nigel Farage has claimed his incredible complicated financial affairs are entirely transparent and above board 'assuming that the board is one of those making up the very bottom of the barrel.'

Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Southerners set to receive clogs and whippets

Southerners have been horrified to discover that Andy Burnham's 'Northernification' of the UK will include them being forced to wear clogs and breed whippets.

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

The Newsbiscuit Editorial Team would like to welcome our new robot overlords. Our only request that our inevitable liquidation is both quick and painless.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup

Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Farage denies doing wrong is wrongdoing

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Scientists at the Albert Hall discover evidence of Hitler’s last visit

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

Blakey from On the Buses to be new Minister of Transport

Battery terminal supplier able to make a positive contribution to the high street

Trump celebrates as oil hits $100 a barrel again

It's part of Brits culture to fight on planes insists Farage

Burnham cuts cost of throwing Starmer under a bus

Disappointment as Russian warship fails to hit Plymouth

Burnham asks new cabinet: 'does anyone have any ideas?'

Burnham clapped in - Starmer clapped-out

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Anticipating the meeting of the 't-shirt Premiers'

Trouble at rumour mill

Burnham plotting move for No 10 East and West

It's all pay after British PMs embarrassed their alma mater

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest

Tory member hugely disappointed with 'blue on blue action' in leadership contest

Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

Our annual for 2021-22

Farage denies doing wrong is wrongdoing

Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Southerners set to receive clogs and whippets

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'

Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup