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More Epstein files released to distract from Iran

President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files. Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days. Speaki

benjani

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

Mandy Thursday, also known as the Festival of St. Peter, has been celebrated in England since 1985, when Peter Mandelson was first appointed to a government post. That’s right – over 40 years ago! Mandy comes from the Latin word mandatum , meaning give me all your money. The Holy day is usually celebrated in London by the distribution of Mandy Money. Originally, Mandy Money was given out as special coins by the monarch, but more recently Mandy Money has been handed out as

deskpilot

Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

Molecules of oil sucked out of the ground last November, shipped over the Christmas weeks and converted into various grades of petroleum, diesel, aviation fuel, heating oil, tar and various other grades, all stored and paid for several weeks ago have suddenly become very expensive molecules of oil. The fuel in your car petrol tank and your heating oil storage tank, paid for at the pump or via your heating oil supplier won't be hit for additional cost because the industry hasn

Throngsman

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails. 'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 27th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

Winner: Gerontius Runners-Up: "Spurs fans prefer to watch the traffic go by outside rather than endure the game." ( Lockjaw); "ICC curse Tesco for building a car park next to Lords cricket ground." (Modelmaker).

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Dad's Army remake funded by Jeffrey Epstein." (Sydalg); "America liberates the Isle of Wight from 'Big England." (Lockjaw).

Breaking News

Iran shrouded in the fog of peace talks

The Brittin Broadcasting Corporation

Real Tennis: players to be limited to biological toffs

Megaphone diplomacy: Trump managing fine without a megaphone

Worries about unauthorised weight-loss drugs 'not being taken lightly'

Rail travel to be cheaper if trains don't leave the station

Climate change debates becoming increasingly heated

Folk who identify as Bears told to leave the cubs

Features

Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog – NewsBiscuit Podcast 59

https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/newsbiscuit/episodes/Doctor-Luggage--Yoga-Jail--Grown-Up-Baby-Girl-Dog--NewsBiscuit-Podcast-59-e3gq2fg https://youtu.be/RGfQQ8BjXM0 Episode59: Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog Comedynews from NewsBiscuit FeaturingGuests: Paul L, Uncle Egg, Sketchly and Ian Searle Host:Wrenfoe. March-APril 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, PodcastAddict & Castbox, YouTube

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

Donald Trump shows how he will remove the cancer that is Iran

Sycophant Johnson presents Trump with yet another ridiculous award

Iran finds a way to hit Trump where it hurts

A mirage à trois

From the Archive

Snow to be banned, due to Russia connection

The Foreign Office explained: 'Technically snow has been around a little bit longer than Russia, but we needed a strong optic, to show the Ukraine we care - but not too much. 'Henceforth all snow will be banned from the UK and is to be replaced with grated coconut. All snowmen will be shot as spies. Ironically the chief exporter of coconut is based in Moscow, but its the performative gesture that counts'. Image: Unsplash/Andrey Bond www.newsbiscuit.com First published 27 Mar

Flambéed town hall needs pinch of tarragon, says critic

Angry French protestors have taken to the streets of Bordeaux after the government imposed a rather indifferent pot-au-feu that may have been over seasoned. Cars were set alight and buildings ransacked as furious pensioners demanded a simple but rather delicious confit de canard. A spokesperson said: ‘Macron is forcing Pinot Noir down our throats, and it tastes a bit corked. We've had an œuf.' The French government is asking people to emulate British protestors by staying at

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged. "I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

More Epstein files released to distract from Iran

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind. 'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation. 'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid. 'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and m

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success. 'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by open

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

New internet bank finds all the stupid names are taken

The newly launched app-based 'First UK Cyberbank' says that it could not find a sassy, wacky and cheeky name, because all the good ones had gone. And it isn't thrilled with its initials, either. 'People will still remember Goldfish, Egg and Smile,' said a spokes-suit. 'Online customers know about Starling and Atom and Zilch and Biscuit and Monzo and Revolut. We wanted a short, memorable and snappy name too, but it was not to be. 'Our preferred list of names included Zing, B

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again. Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through. The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits. A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay the

Sport
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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

More Epstein files released to distract from Iran

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 27th March

Manufacturers Admit to Using Wrong Measurements for new IKEA Sock Drawers

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Iran shrouded in the fog of peace talks

The Brittin Broadcasting Corporation

Real Tennis: players to be limited to biological toffs

Megaphone diplomacy: Trump managing fine without a megaphone

Worries about unauthorised weight-loss drugs 'not being taken lightly'

Rail travel to be cheaper if trains don't leave the station

Climate change debates becoming increasingly heated

Folk who identify as Bears told to leave the cubs

Doctor Luggage, Yoga Jail & Grown Up Baby-Girl Dog – NewsBiscuit Podcast 59

Donald Trump shows how he will remove the cancer that is Iran

Sycophant Johnson presents Trump with yet another ridiculous award

Iran finds a way to hit Trump where it hurts

A mirage à trois

Snow to be banned, due to Russia connection

Flambéed town hall needs pinch of tarragon, says critic

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

Our annual for 2021-22

The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

More Epstein files released to distract from Iran

National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

New internet bank finds all the stupid names are taken

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz