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'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity. 'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches. 'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules. 'His reign hasn't been quite

Jeremynh

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Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Ian Searle

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump. Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house. ‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insi

Gerontius

One bad apple not spoiling the barrel because the rest are truly rancid

Some newly elected bad apples have barely had time to fester and stink up the place before being forced to resign over being really bad apples. These apples were bitter and disgusting and wouldn’t even have made the grade for a supermarket's own brand cider. The curiously well-funded orchard - where these bad apples are grown - have tried to claim that, despite a few bad apples, the rest of the barrels are unaffected. That is despite the putrid stench caused by all the things

stewartbarclay

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 15th May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

WINNER:Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing (sir lupus) RUNNERS UP: Oh, no! Uncle Fred is about to do his drinking from binoculars impression (lockjaw) Thank god we lost. Who wants to be a local councillor anyway? (deskpilot) Club 18-30 admit age vetting failures (apepper)

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

WINNER: It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters (Sinnick) RUNNERS UP: Dave and Julie had begun to run out of conversation topics as Windows Updates entered its third hour. (sydalg) After Darren's garlic lunch, Debbie wished they could go back to having Zoom meetings (robfalconer) You see Claire, mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman who already understands the situation (joe)

Breaking News

The King's Speech Live! not as good as the film

Trump advises Starmer to start a war

Burnham to be offered third least unsafe Labour seat

Polanski dodged Council Tax. Greens to merge with Tories

How long can he go on Starming?

Local racist disputes being a Reform voter

Divorced accountant back dating

Starmer: I'm in a hole, but I'm going to dig deep

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

The only one who could ever reach me, was the son of a toolmaking man

The Starminator faces down another foe

They don't play by your rules, Dumbass

Booked your cruise yet?

From the Archive

Moominpappa tools up as Finland joins NATO

As Finland prepares to join NATO, all the residents of Moominvalley are arming themselves to the teeth. Quizzed about their state of readiness should the Red Army invade, Moominspokesman said, ‘We're like a snowy Viet Cong. Moominpappa now wears an ammo belt of grenades and is an expert with shoulder launched RPGs. Moomintroll, Snork Maiden and Snufkin can all assemble and disassemble an AK47 while blindfolded. Moominmamma’s handbag is full of knives and throwing stars. She c

World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns

By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus. In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘ Gun’n’Ammo Monthly ’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirm

Pavlov Undogged

Ever since Pavlov's dog experiments discovered conditioned reflexes, educationalists and animal trainers have wondered how to speed up learning. Now a ground-breaking experiment is underway to see how quickly something can be unlearnt. Albert Einstein (no relation) had an Archimedes moment when his kitchen pedal bin broke. 'I didn't run down the road naked,' he admitted, 'but I did think this could make for an intriguing experiment. Now, when I stand on the pedal, nothing hap

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Ted Turner, RIP

Ted Turner, the media mogul who launched CNN, has died, aged 87. Ted will be remembered for his fantastic contribution to education through his famous Ted talks and for setting up the well known Turner Prize for artists. He was also the inspiration for the detective, played by Tom Hanks, in the film Turner and Hooch. Ted is survived by his pop-icon daughter Tina Turner and his brother, British romantic painter JMW Turner. Image credit: Wix AI

Games Night at the White House

The Trump team posted a picture of the big orange man baby playing Uno and 'holding all the cards'. As you win at Uno by getting rid of all your cards, this suggests that Donald may play Uno according to his own unique and made-up rules. But he doesn't just play Uno! He plays lots of games and makes up his own rules to all of them. Here's a quick rundown... Monopoly - on your first go, the Trump tactic is to borrow everything you need from the Bank of Sevastopol and buy ev

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion. 'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.' The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Bargain hunters are showing little interest in the closure of 150 high street shops that were formerly WHSmith, but are now branded WTFlip. 'Nah,' said Barry, a seasoned eBay seller. 'Even at 50% off, I can get any of those books cheaper on the internet. And if you want to risk writing your own will, then you can do that on the internet too. Greetings cards - who does that any more? Just give 'em a WhatsApp. Or get a cheaper card at Card Factory. 'The computer stock is well

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Local News

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs

Taking their cue from an ugly and embarrassing incident at the British Academy Film and Television Awards (BAFTA), where an audience member shouted a racial slur, producers of several upcoming media awards shows are taking extra precautions to avoid a repeat at their events. John Amos, a producer for the Skinhead FilmFest, said, ‘As we are always conscious of our image, we will be taking all necessary measures to ensure an incident-free, family-friendly show. Security will b

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy

Faced with a soaring budget deficit over the next two years, the British Broadcasting Corporation is to change its name to the "British Corporation". "In today's climate," said a corporate spokes-vacuum, "making TV and radio programmes is beyond our financial scope. However, we will maintain a fully-funded Director-General's Office and Governors' Board, as well as extravagent personnel, catering and accountancy units. We will be showcasing all that is best about UK corporate

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

One bad apple not spoiling the barrel because the rest are truly rancid

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 15th May 2026

Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing

"It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters"

The King's Speech Live! not as good as the film

Trump advises Starmer to start a war

Burnham to be offered third least unsafe Labour seat

Polanski dodged Council Tax. Greens to merge with Tories

How long can he go on Starming?

Local racist disputes being a Reform voter

Divorced accountant back dating

Starmer: I'm in a hole, but I'm going to dig deep

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

The only one who could ever reach me, was the son of a toolmaking man

The Starminator faces down another foe

They don't play by your rules, Dumbass

Booked your cruise yet?

Moominpappa tools up as Finland joins NATO

World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns

Pavlov Undogged

Our annual for 2021-22

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Ted Turner, RIP

Games Night at the White House

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs

BBC to shed one-third of its name in cost-cutting frenzy