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Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius

As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed. 'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suit

Chipchase

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

A spokesdevil for the horned one said: "We'd be the first to know if he was down here, because someone would have claimed the sweepstake. That said, it's only a matter of time." Being the greatest war criminal of the century does mean that Bibi will get a prime spot, somewhere between Attila the Hun and James Corden's agent. He will be fast-tracked to the lowest circle of Hell, normally reserved for the inventors of tethered bottle caps and unskippable ads. Meanwhile, we will

Wrenfoe

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

President Trump is believed to be developing a range of bouncing ‘Islambuster’ bombs that will be used to clear a path through the Strait of Hormuz. His advisors, among them his Secretary of War, ‘Pistol Pete’ Hegseth, say the President got the idea when scrolling through the films on Air Force One. “The President found himself looking at the classics channel,” Hegseth said, “and he started watching The Dam Busters, a film he hadn’t seen since he was a schoolboy. ‘Hey Pete,’

rogt

US government tells Trump haters where he will be buried

"Since President Trump is turning 80 this year, we thought it appropriate to reveal where his burial site will be," said a spokes-crypt for the Federal Cemeteries Commission. "That is so people can exercise their First Amendment right, in the eventuality of Trump's death, to spit on his grave. "The location is the Strait of Hormuz Garden of Rest in Utterloosa, Florida - specially renamed to commemorate the place where his political career met its end. "Insulting the remains o

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 20th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Dad's Army remake funded by Jeffrey Epstein." (Sydalg); "America liberates the Isle of Wight from 'Big England." (Lockjaw).

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Winner: Modelmaker Runners-Up: "Struggle to remove Farage from Trump's arse continues." (APepper); "Carlos' Chihuahua was a tad reluctant to go to the vet's." (Sinnick).

Breaking News

Meningitis makes a pleasant relief from Donald Trump

First UK pothole to be Grade II listed

Reform blame "faulty pencils" for election losses

Iran's new missile: the QatarPounder

US forced to extend war due to lack of support from allies

Meningitis outbreaks at all UK universities after Kent cancels exams

Harry announces new book, 'Sparesies'

English Rugby say 4th defeat out of 5, best defeat yet

Features

NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025

March 2025 Back in March 2025 UK politics was still about ‘tough decisions’, with the government slashing some benefit payments, including personal independence payments (PIPs). It also scrapped NHS England because the Departnent for Health can do all of its work cheaper and better. There was an embarrassing prison escape which turned out to be less of a one-off and more of a regular thing. And three Bulgarians are found guilty of spying for Russia. In the US, Donald Trump fa

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Cartoons

How Dumbass dealt with advice from his counterterrorism expert

More loony parties could further split right-wng vote

Keir responds to Trump's 'disappointment' over NATO's reluctance to enter Iran war

At a real world award ceremony ...

From the Archive

Man to beat alcohol dependency by taking up drugs

A London man who has been alcohol dependent for over 12 years is hoping to give up his harmful addiction and aims to replace it with drug-taking instead. The 57 year old man, who has been over-reliant on cheap Russian alcohol for many years has flown to the Middle East to negotiate a way out of his self-inflicted predicament. The man said switching his habit from cheap Russian alcohol to cheap Middle East drugs will help him break the hold his Russian suppliers have over him.

Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough

Chelsea have formally asked Middlesbrough to stick a 96-year-old grandmother in goal for their upcoming FA Cup tie. The club say Boro should put Elsie Hammersley, from Stockton-on-Tees, between the sticks in Saturday’s quarter-final on the grounds of “sporting integrity”. 'We think it’s only fair that a person who can hardly walk should be in goal for Middlesbrough on Saturday – just to even things up a bit,' said a Chelsea spokeswoman. 'After all, it’s not our fault that our

Man who enjoyed BAFTAs finally admits sleeping through the whole thing

Colin Jameson, 38, of Newport Pagnall has finally admitted to family and friends that he slept all the way though this year's BAFTAs. Jameson, of Acacia Avenue, arrived at work on Monday, fully prepared to join in all the conversations about this year's awards ceremony after having seen a thirty second clip on Good Morning Britain. He quickly memorised the big prizes and was ready to comment on the frocks should the occasion arrive. Colin's wife Carol told us, “When he came t

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

End of Days promises balmy weather

As Christian zionists salivate over building the Third Temple and ushering in the age of Gog and Magog, the rest of us can expect a delightful Spring. Said one weather caster. "It'll initially be long evenings of lawn tennis and fruit punch, followed by the Anti-Christ and his demonic horde. So do try to enjoy the sunshine while you can." This was confirmed by Beelzebub, "Yes, there'll be eternal suffering but you'll have plenty of time to appreciate the daffodils-before you'

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

AI is sh!t, says report

A report into AI has suggested that Large Language Models, or LLMs, which underpin AI are sh!t. 'First, they just suck up information from any old place - the internet, Twitter and, God forbid, satire websites. There's no quality control, no attempt at making sense, no rhyme or reason. And that's just the satire sites,' said an expert today. 'We analysed hundreds of LLMs, pitched literally millions of questions, analysed and compared their answers and then produced this rep

Windows CEO Satya Nadella explains why they introduced Windows 11

Satya Nadella : The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and... NewsBiscuit: Oh, I see. And most operating systems go up to ten? Satya Nadella: Exactly. NewsBiscuit: Does that mean it's better? Is it any better? Satya Nadella: Well, it's one better, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most users, you know, will be using ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your PC. Where can you go

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Local News

Trump starts World Cup without notice, and declares US the winner

The United States has claimed a large number of byes in the impending World Cup as a result of the President declaring the competition was open months before the official start date. 'We didn't tell the world we were going into Iran and we haven't told the world we're leaving Iran - yet,' he said today. 'So with all the time in the world on our hands we decided to start the World Cup early. We've won all the qualifiers by default and are in the final next weekend with Iran

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan

Netflix has confirmed that it won't pay for any more embarrassingly bad content from Meghan. This includes canning advertorials for American Riviera Orchard, or As Ever. As if? The new deal will allow Meghan to access all of Netflix's content, ad free, on a special new 'Royal Plan', for only $18 a month. The package comes with a special, once-in-a-lifetime, restraining order. Under the deal, Meghan will continue to pitch ideas for new embarrassingly bad content and Netflix ha

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

US government tells Trump haters where he will be buried

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 20th March

America Tries to Make up for Being Late for the Last Two World Wars by Being First in This One.

"Come on Lads! We're Only up Against Two Girls."

Meningitis makes a pleasant relief from Donald Trump

First UK pothole to be Grade II listed

Reform blame "faulty pencils" for election losses

Iran's new missile: the QatarPounder

US forced to extend war due to lack of support from allies

Meningitis outbreaks at all UK universities after Kent cancels exams

Harry announces new book, 'Sparesies'

English Rugby say 4th defeat out of 5, best defeat yet

NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025

How Dumbass dealt with advice from his counterterrorism expert

More loony parties could further split right-wng vote

Keir responds to Trump's 'disappointment' over NATO's reluctance to enter Iran war

At a real world award ceremony ...

Man to beat alcohol dependency by taking up drugs

Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough

Man who enjoyed BAFTAs finally admits sleeping through the whole thing

Our annual for 2021-22

‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz

Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius

Satan confirms Netanyahu not dead

End of Days promises balmy weather

AI is sh!t, says report

Windows CEO Satya Nadella explains why they introduced Windows 11

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Trump starts World Cup without notice, and declares US the winner

Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan