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The News before it happens

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives. 'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today. 'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out. 'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike. 'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that.

deskpilot

Free STARMER QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers

We are proud to announce a special one-off, never-to-be-repeated, endlessly-repeatable offer. Famous for being first with the news before it happens, after it happens, or roughly adjacent to when it happens, we now bring you the deal of a lifetime. Ever wanted to remember where you were when SIR KEIR QUITS? Tired of telling your friends SIR KEIR HAS QUIT when, irritatingly, he still hasn’t? Now you can cut and paste your very own interactive headline: SIR KEIR QUITS! Perfec

Oshaughnessy

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

deskpilot

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 6th February

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"Now, What Outfit Would Look Best on Someone Defecting to Reform?"

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Third day of TK Maxx expedition, making base camp by men’s jackets, sadly we lost Oates by the underwear section." (TonyMC); "I guess a lot of these jackets think THEY are well hung." (Granger).

“I Can’t Hear you Pickering Station Tearoom, are you Ready to Rock!”

Winner: Bill Clay Runners-Up: "The 1898 to Basingstoke is still waiting for the connection." (Sinnick); "Jeez, there's a weird looking deLorean coming up the track behind us." (FlashArry).

Breaking News

Starmer: 'I'm a victim, too, you know...'

Starmer apologises for Epstein managing the Beatles

Lord Mandelson now known as Peter Mountbatten Windsor

Disgruntled workers in Poisonous Gas factory say atmosphere was toxic

John Virgone

Andrew dislodged

Sainsbury's cancel Peter Mandelson's Nectar card

Disney warns of hit from flagging foreign visits, apparently it’s not such a small world

Features

Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff… Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with: Celebs Oily gara ge (‘ oily ’) – Nigel Farage Oily sump (‘ oily ’) – Donald Trump Oily body (‘ oily ’) – N arendra Modi Lettuce – L

deskpilot

Cartoons

Keir makes a further statement

The danger of dressing too quickly

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Sandringham ...

Only posh exotic dancers need apply

From the Archive

Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation

Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island. An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters. “Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusi

N. Ireland Assembly breaks up in acrimonious tea/coffee row

The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row...

Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable

The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the...

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Politics

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Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary. 'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note. I do some conveyancin

Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Trump's rotten center to close for renovations

The dark, foul pit right at the centre of Donald Trump's being will be closed over the coming week for an upgrade, according to the US federal administration. 'Trump's soul, if you can call it that, has been almost totally twisted and tarnished by decades of scheming, self-dealing and skulduggery in his business and political lives,' one of his White House handlers told the press, and some priests trying to conduct to an exorcism. 'But however depraved he has become in his mi

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me. The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed. All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his.

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

Local News

Rotten Tomatoes proscribed as a terrorist website

With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'. 'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President. 'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else. Fake communists

Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'. 'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.' 'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser an