Aries
Aries: you're under the Ram. Would it be indelicate to ask why?
Taurus
I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!
Gemini
I'd take the blue pill if I was you. You won't like what you find out if you take the red one ... unless you like long leather coats.
Cancer
As Mars passes through Virgo, things will never be the same at the snooker.
Leo
Never mind. At least you're not Liz Truss! Oh you are. Errm …
Virgo
Love is in the air - they are throwing used condoms off the top of the tower block again. Some sort of waterproof hat is essential, and try not to look up with your mouth open.
Libra
There will be no forecast for you this month. Animal activists freed my "entrail providers" before I got to consulting for you.
Scorpio
You're going to get stuck in a lift this month, probably with a Barbary Ape. Be prepared.
Sagittarius
As film of you dancing naked in Brighton's Pride March racks up four million views, you might want to consider a slightly less 'potent' medication for your hay-fever. Nice moves though.
Capricorn
The Heavens declare that you may run, but you c'aint hide.
Aquarius
After years of toiling in obscurity, your efforts are finally recognised - but you knew the CCTV in the park would eventually catch you out. Literally.
Pisces
Due to a cataclysmic shakeup of the Western literary canon, your latest series of emails to the Sales Department will win you the Nobel Prize. You'd better learn Swedish fast.
Contributions from:
Scorpio - simonjjames,
Aries - Sinnick,
Cancer - SteveB
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aquarius -FlashArry
Pisces - sydalg
Image: Maklay62 - Pixabay