The Football Association has told teams that it plans to ban genetically engineered players and to introduce DNA Fair Play rules soon.
A number of Premiership clubs are rumoured to be using genetic engineering techniques to develop the super-players of the future.
Insiders at Manchester United have told us about a secret programme to develop new talent using DNA from George Best, Wayne Rooney and Gary Lineker. The work does not appear to have produce any great footballing talent so far – just some very hairy players, some very bald players, and some very drunken players, and all with a hankering for crisps.
 A staff member told us that the DNA wizards Crick and Wilson, who were hired to supervise the secret programme, have quietly been let go.
Hat-tip: Titus