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A new report by Zeitgeist Recruitment, a specialist in herd mentality and head down corporate social compliance, has unveiled the 10 Ploddingly Predictable beliefs you must adhere to, if you want to clinch a salaried position in today's increasingly regimented awful world.
MORE SOON
This has great potential, you have to be on board with all the stupid ideas that don't work even though you know they will make your job almost impossible, examples are:
- outsourcing key functions - lets give a third party a complete monopoly on e.g. our IT development for 10 years and then wonder why everything costs much more than it used to do when it was in house
- transferring all our IT experts to the outsourcing company - lets piss off all our unreplaceable IT experts who know how our idiosyncratic systems work by TUPEing them to a company who could not give a shit about them and where they will never get another pay rise. Then lets expect them to give the same level of service and commitment as before.
- offshoring - lets make people from the sub-continent who can barely speak English our first line of contact for vital technical support
- agile development - let's pretend if we just do stuff without writing it down and getting it agreed first that it will be much cheaper in the long run, especially when we deal with outsourcers whose only objective is to screw as much money out of us as possible
etc etc and so on and so forth until the bankruptcy of all UK business
Ah, am back at the keyboard after an epic cycle ride into London last night, which involved heavy drinking and an even longer cycle home in the rain.
I think what I'm trying to say is:
I'm passionate about cycling. (That's number 3 in The Top Ten Corporate Orthodoxies You Must Adhere To)
It's also obligatory to be Committed to some state -the-bleeding-obvious cause that no sane person would want to oppose.
Be creative. You could say that you support the company policy of turning up to work occasionally, not setting fire to the building and not masturbating in public. That should clinch it; few other interviewees are likely spontaneously to volunteer such commitment.
I'm passionate about achieving goals, and working in teams who share my passion for excellence.
For me, work has to be about passion, and I don't think you can fake that.
Not just flirtation or affection - physical passion. The kind of primal force that wells up from your groin and courses through your body and you yearn, you ache for the release that achieving challenging goals brings. You just have to unleash this thirst, this lust for excellence in a deadline driven workplace, or you feel you might explode.
That's how I feel about CRM data analysis, and I want to bring my passion, to this company. Do you have a tissue?
"The board of International BikkieBollocks Corporation are pleased to announce that PBR has been appointed director of hyperbole with immediate effect. The board has every confidence that you will all wish him well in his new role and will give him your full support at all times. And even if you don't, fuck you, he's got the job.
That will be all. Now, back on your heads."
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