The legacy of disputes with the banking community weighed heavily on Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers today when it was announced that authorities in the United States were actively taking steps to take his two children into care.
Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers changed his name 10 years ago in protest at what he regarded were excessive bank charges on his current account. He explained, ‘I had written to my bank explaining that I was very upset at the £25 charge for going slightly overdrawn on my current account. I was met with dismissive bureaucracy, so decided to change my name by deed poll. How I laughed when I asked them to print me a cheque book in my new name. Of course, they closed my account. But I made them send the remainder of my money in a cheque addressed to my new name. What wonderful times they were, not just for me but also for news agencies in this country. The problem was, I got used to the surname and never changed it back. Maybe it appealed to my puerile sense of humour, I don’t know. Anyway, since that banking dispute I have forever since been known as Eric YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers. I married soon afterwards and my wife, Sharon, loved her new surname. We really stood out from the crowd. We soon had two beautiful children and it was only natural that they would take our surname. However, the problems really started when Jack YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers and Emily YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers started school. I don’t know how the Americans got wind of our family name, but it was clear that they were not best pleased. We have received a number of letters trying to get us to hand over our children into care of the US authorities. It’s been a nightmare. Apparently, psychologists over there have concluded that we have a reckless disregard for capitalism, or something like that, and we are exposing our children to risk of psychological harm. At first we thought it was just a joke, but it is clear that they mean business. I wrote back to them suggesting that we could change our children’s names to ‘George Bush’ but that just seemed to make matters worse.’
William Shakespeare VIII, from the US international forced adoption department, explained the concerns over the naming of Jack and Emily YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers, ‘As a planet we are still in the middle of a global banking crisis and it will be the aggressive policy of the United States to pursue anyone who offends against principles of decency and the free market. If Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers had agreed to change his surname to a normal name like ‘Bin Laden’ none of this would have happened.