A one time ‘Al-Qaeda’ terrorist made history this week by becoming the first suicide bomber to enter an airport and not try and blow it up after defecting from the ‘Al- Qaeda’ network and landing a job and with a decent pension scheme and no weekend shifts .
We managed to speak to ‘Haroom ilham’ whilst on duty he had this to say ” I decided to take a gap year from training camp and visit Australia, as I was getting a little tired of the 9-5 routine of murdering people it can mess with your mind and to be honest Ive always seen myself as more of a lover than a fighter, the lads arranged a going away party which unfortunately involved torturing people but boys will be boys, they gave me a going away present which made me suspicious as I was told to just carry it in my rucksack and not to open it until I was on Australian soil ,as it happens it was a bomb but lucky for me it was my cousins handy work and his as much use as a man with one leg at an ass kicking competition and ive actually seen such a thing.
I will be honest when I arrived in Australia my first impressions were that I had landed in paradise but it quickly dawned on me there were too few virgins and paradise wouldn’t house anyone with such an annoying twang , it really got me down, on many occasions I thought about ending it and taking the annoying bastards with me but I prayed for a miracle, 5 times a day to be precise.
My prays were answered when I happen to be deported I was welcomed with open arms by your wonderful government and immediately set about finding work after visiting various airports which is a pasttime for a suicide bomber we simply cant resist the roar of the engines, the smell of jet fuel, the unsuspecting crowded areas, but its not without its implications, I decided to try for a role in airport security which is a busman’s holiday really, what really appealled to me was the final salary pension scheme which is almost unheard of, that was the clincher for me, I remember thinking to myself ‘I d kill for a job like that’ .
Airport Security Team Leader Gareth Morton said : “Ive been here 25 years ive seen it all now, its all about equlity and human rights in the workplace theres no common sense anymore, no one thought he would get the job but it seems all the other applicants died a death in the interview stage, don’t get me wrong Haroons a lovely lad always punctual and polite and his murderous terror training regime has equipped him with top knotch torturing skills that can prove very useful here, on the down side though his a little bit sensitive about his religion and the lads have been told to take down the page 3 topless birds from their lockers, they weren’t happy, that went down like a porkpie at a muslim festival”.
Haroon had the last say “ I love my job, my life was once meaningless but thanks to the final salary pension scheme I have something to live for, 35 years to be precise, I feel like ive died and gone to heaven”.