Britain's supermarkets, eateries and butchers have been ordered to withdraw all beef and beef derivative products from their shelves, after a diner at one of Bristol's top restaurants developed indigestion whilst eating a 32 ounce ribeye steak that was sourced from the descendant of a cloned cow.
Speaking of his ordeal, gastronome Russell Walcott revealed how he first began to feel ill halfway through his meal at the Miserable Cow steak house in Bristol's Cabot Circus shopping centre. 'I started to feel a bit bloated when I reached for the second sachet of brown sauce. I knew there must have been something dodgy with the steak - or possibly the chips, onion rings, fried mushroom, peas and sweetcorn - or maybe the bottle or two of Holsten Pils - but I'm pretty sure it was the steak.'
Crippled by heartburn, Walcott forced down the last mouthful before heading home. 'By the time I went to bed I was a sweating, belching and dyspeptic mess. I spent the night tossing and turning and generally regretting the chocolate brownie cheesecake I had for afters. The next day I went straight back to the restaurant and demanded that they look into the matter - oh and my money back, which they didn't like much I can tell you.'
Worryingly, subsequent tests showed that the offending steak was originally sourced from the Scottish beef herd at the heart of the cloned cattle scandal, and that the beast in question was actually the granddaughter of the second cousin of the uncle, twice removed, of the original clone. 'I was straight on to the food Standards Agency,' said Walcott, 'and my solicitor of course.'
Stung into action, the agency has ordered that all beef-related products be withdrawn from sale with immediate effect. Businesses across the country have been thrown into disarray as they attempt to offload millions of pounds worth of joints, burgers and jars of Bovril, and have accused the government of acting like a 'bull in a china shop.' A government spokesman has vigorously denied such allegations, telling journalists that 'this is purely a precautionary measure and should in no way be misconstrued as a panicky knee-jerk reaction. What a minute - are those shoes made of leather? For Christ's sake take 'em off before we get sued!'