The value of RyanAir shares jumped 11% today, as chief executive Michael O'Leary announced commercial cargo bays are to be substantially enlarged, as the company’s new ‘Wetbag’ policy is introduced. From Midnight tonight all passengers will either pay a £6 hold fee per bag or their luggage will be strapped to the fuselage and wings with bungee cord. The company described the idea as ground breaking and estimated freight cargo capacity would increase by an estimated 17 %. Pressure from regulators has forced the airline to offer discounts of 50p per luggage item however, for passengers providing their own bungees.
Share prices were also boosted by news that the airline will be charging passengers for breathing air in the cabin, from Monday. Fuselage air pressure is to be reduced by two thirds, representing a weight and fuel saving of £21 Million per year across the fleet. Passengers will be able to purchase “Oxytopup’s” during flights, using the drop down emergency oxygen masks and credit card readers, that will replace the current air vents. A company spokesman confirmed there would be no corkage charges for passengers bringing their own bottled air onboard. He also said the cost of strengthening the inner fuselages of RyanAir’s fleet should be recovered in around 6 months. This follows the discovery during trials of the scheme, that many passengers were surreptitiously using battery powered Dremel multi-drill’s to access free air from outside.
In unrelated news, the company announced it had agreed an out of court settlement with a senior aircrew employee, who was suing the company for their part in her diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder claim. Lawyers for Jane Sewell claimed that in the 14 years she had worked for RyanAir, she had been exposed to an estimated 21 million penis bulges during pre flight seat belt checks. Ms Sewell’s barrister told the court that no specialist training had ever been provided and this was what caused Ms Sewell to join the Perpetual Adoration Convent of Wexford. RyanAir’s defence that there was no conclusive evidence that the bulges were actually penises but could easily have been 21 million pairs of socks, was dismissed by Justice O’Donnell out of hand.