'If we do not receive a complete and unconditional surrender from midnight tonight we will be forced to send in teenage irritants Jedward into deepest helmand province to entertain the Taliban Insurgency' said Lieutenant General Nick Parker ' we've had enough now and we are prepared to play rough to finish this campaign quickly and with as little blood shed as possible'.
Within minutes of this announcement a call was made to the British Army HQ in Kandahar from somebody claiming to represent the Taliban who said ' ok, ok, shoot us, nuke us if you like but anything rather than bloody Jedward . We surrender!'.
It is expected that Osama Bin Laden will sent out a new video in due course to confirm this captitulation where he will begrudgingly throw in the towel whilst cursing the geeky white infadels Jedward.
'Bin Laden can thank his lucky stars that he's given in now because even in the full knowledge of breaking all the rules in the Genova Convention our next move would of been to send in Katie Price as the Insurgent forces sweetheart' continued Parker.
The Taliban were only hours away from disaster as the two dippy popstars were already being flown to Afghanistan by a hercules troop carrier to ready themselves for their brand of ruthless naffness to entertain them to certain death but now that their services will not be required it seems that they have mysteriously decided to take it upon themselves to parachute off the plane at about ten thousand feet somewhere over the Indian Ocean.
An apathetic search and rescue mission has already not got under way.