Residents of the pretty Shropshire village of Irwin-on-the-Allen have vowed to take their fight against the erection of physics-defying polytunnels to the high court, after a local fruit grower was granted retrospective planning permission by the local authorities for a 900 acre time-travelling strawberry farm.
Locals accuse fruit magnate James Darren of 'desecrating' the Allen valley with row upon row of the polythene constructions. 'Our lovely countryside, once resplendent with rustic furrows, lush grazing meadows and wildflower-carpeted glades, is now a sea of sterile white plastic,' complained villager-turned-activist Robert Colbert. 'That, coupled with the constantly shifting psychedelic lights and the discordant 1960's music, is ruining our environment - not to mention completely buggering up the house prices.'
Colbert, chairman of the Irwin-on-the-Allen action committee, has dismissed Darren's claims that his fruit farm will bring much-needed employment to the area, pointing to the 'hordes' of cheap migrant labour from the Balkans, Eastern Europe and the Dark Ages that are staying at the farm. 'I don’t want to sound xenophobic, but these foreigners are completely bringing down the tone of the neighbourhood, the very fabric of the space-time continuum notwithstanding.'
The increasing number of migrant workers is also proving to be less beneficial to the local economy than was first expected, with the local pub closing down due to the flood of cheap gin brought in by Regency Londoners and Whit Bissell, owner of the local tea shop, dying of bubonic plague after serving a group of medieval peasants. Many other businesses have also reported problems after banks in nearby Shrewsbury refused to accept Edward VII pennies, Spanish doubloons or cowry shells. 'One cheeky beggar even tried to palm me off with twenty pond note with Edward Elgar on it,' complained one local shopkeeper.
'Saturday nights here are bedlam,' Colbert continued. 'If it's not the Serbs arguing with the Croats down the post office it's the Prussians and Bavarians going at it by the war memorial or the Vikings and the Saxons fighting pitched battles on the village green. The whole lot of them are acting like a bunch of Neanderthals - who, in all fairness, are a pretty quiet bunch who tend to keep themselves to themselves.'