The Government has today unveiled controversial plans to implement David Laws throughout England and Wales.
Concerned parent groups have reacted with fury to the news. They say that the move could lead to their son or daughter unwittingly living next door to a politician.
Puce-faced campaigner, Brian Bellows, of the Concerned Residents Against Pushy Politicians In North Gloucestershire, raged, ‘We work hard to live in this area, surrounded by good, honest people. The last thing we want is for a Member of Parliament coming round here, lowering house prices. And don’t think he won’t. I heard about a young boy in Yeovil, product of a broken home, say no more, used to flip his main residence between his mum and dad’s. Anyway, he went round his dad’s, asked for money for some football boots, Dad gave him £40; went back to his mum’s, asked for money for some football boots, she gave him £30; he went on eBay, got some boots for £20. He’s sixteen now and living in a penthouse flat overlooking the River Yeo. Are you trying to tell me that isn’t David Laws’ fault?!’
Despite the concerns, police remain relaxed about the possibility of unprovoked attacks. Chief Constable Paul West of the Association of Chief Police Officers said, ‘We understand that parents might be worried about the prospect of David Laws coming to their neighbourhood, but we see no reason to suspect that this might lead to bloodshed. As far as we are aware, Mr Laws has no history of violence towards other people.’
The infamously private Mr Laws resigned from Government within weeks of taking office after he was found to have claimed expenses no-one knew he had claimed, to pay rent on a room no-one knew he rented, to a lover no-one knew he loved. He is said to be so secretive, not even he knows where he lives.
In the face of such uncertainty, Brian Bellows recommends parents organise themselves: ‘My wife and I heard a rumour about two years ago that Hazel Blears might move into our area. We started CRAPPING ourselves immediately and thank God she never arrived. If David Laws tries to come anywhere near our kids, we’ll be ready and I suggest other parents are too.’
However, concerned citizens need not panic just yet. The Government’s plan will be subject to an impending trial. If the jury convicts Mr Laws of expenses fraud there may need to be a total rethink, with Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, believed to possess all the natural attributes for the roll-out.