Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice
President Trump has threatened to sue the BBC for a billion dollars, before putting his little finger up to his lips and laughing.
Physicists discover Trumpian Pressure
Scientists have discovered a large mass with improbable orange colouring which distorts truth the way a black hole distorts spacetime.
Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor
'Don't worry' Farage chortled 'My policies will make sure there are lots more poor British people - although I won't be one of them.'
Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards
Multiple prisoners walked out of HMP Wandsworth yesterday after a Monopoly Set was dropped by Chance from a passing delivery drone. Several prisoners used the “Get out of Jail Free” cards on a confused and overwhelmed Parole Board. Two more rolled doubles and ended up going free, one with bonus Free Parking, amazing in itself in that area of London.
Reform Uk to adopt a cell structure for maximum opacity
Reform UK Ltd. will now be formed into individual cells where each Reform member is only associated with two others. Thereby if one member is doing something “ a bit naughty” or “ treasonous” then all knowledge of their existence can be happily denied by the rest of the organisation. Lee Anderson might form a cell on his own because of that smirk he does every time he farts.
Mortgages added to give curriculum a fantasy setting
Ministers are recommending that students now study things they will never have, like jobs, affordable health care and the abstract concept of hope. Originally mortgage management was to be part of the maths curriculum, but it now sits in English Literature alongside other works of fiction.
New plans to 'improve' school for SEN children
As schools struggle to fund staffing, appropriate facilities and resources for the increasing numbers of SEN children in mainstream schools, the Education Secretary has unveiled her latest sensible, well thought out and definitely non discriminatory idea to educationalists.
Autumn budget to pause all national inquiries
Faced with a bad financial situation, the Chancellor is expected to put all National Inquiries on hold for twelve months. This will save loads of money.
Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases
"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.
Under Reform, only British heroes will count
With the news that the hero who put his life in danger in the Huntington attack is a Muslim Algerian immigrant, Reform Ltd has stated it will have a policy of 'true British heroes only' when they come to power.
