Mandelson "just a political stunt", insists Prime Minister
Sir Keir Starmer has been resisting pressure for a parliamentary inquiry into his handling of the Mandelson affair by dismissing the former ambassador as "just a poltical stunt". "This is games playing by the Conservatives," the PM's office told the media. "The Prime Minister has no intention of appearing before a Commons committee on account of a Machiavellian stunt like Peter." Several cabinet minister still loyal to Starmer appeared on morning news programmes also to decla
Trump shooting suspect released without charge after attempting 'regime change'
Security forces had no choice but to release the armed man who attempted to assassinate US President Donald Trump after he claimed he was only trying to bring about ‘regime change’ at the head of US politics. The gunman pointed out that either killing or kidnapping elected leaders of foreign countries was exactly how the USA chose to bring about regime change at the top and was only following Donald Trump’s lead. After a brief discussion behind closed doors White House offici
Renters' Rights: Landlords now legally entitled to souls
LONDON — Following the introduction of the new Renters’ Rights Act, which comes into full force on 1 May 2026, the government has moved to reassure private property owners that they will still be able to subject tenants to unspeakable horrors, marking a triumphant return to traditional Victorian landlord-tenant dynamics. While the legislation technically bans "no-fault evictions" and converts all tenancies to rolling periodic contracts, landlords have been granted sweeping ne
US death penalty expanded to include crucifixion
The United States has added crucifixion to the methods of killing human beings in the name of justice. The move addresses criticism that electrocution, poison gas and lethal injection are not sufficiently barbaric for the moralistic, evangelical supporters of the death penalty. ‘Nailing criminals to crosses and leaving them to die in horrific pain is what a modern civilised society demands’ said a Department of Justice official. Democrats were also supportive of crucifixion f
Social media influencers sent to make peace deal with Iran
"We figured that negotiations in Islamabad would go nowhere if left solely in the hands of witless Steve Witkoff and that idiot princeling, Jared Kushner," said a US State Department source. "That's why we've sent along a team of fake-tanned female TikTok influencers. I mean, why not give it a try? They've all made fortunes peddling snake oil to teenagers. Maybe they can sell a deal to the Iranians which will re-open the Strait of Hormuz." "Who are we meeting?" asked beauty p
World 'couldn't give a stuff' about Trump anymore
'I know I should care, he's got the nuclear codes, he's a fruitcake, he's destroying world alliances and it's pretty obvious he's manipulating financial markets for himself and his family,' said the leader of a major European country, 'but honestly, I couldn't give a flying f@ck anymore,' he added. World leaders have come to realise that kow-towing to the Trump administration doesn't insulate their countries from his erratic herky-jerky mood swings. Bucking him does result i
Starmer brings back paganism with civil service sacrifices
The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice. Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins. Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador. "Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Sta
Bram Stoker confesses: I was wrong about crucifixes
Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue. ‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad. ‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly bel
The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile
The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule. 'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come. the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly. 'But t
Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer
'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the cham
