Suburbiton Council has successfully brought racism, sexism, domestic violence, global warming and social inequality to a halt, through a series of pamphlets printed in a selected range of languages.
'We've proved our critics wrong once again,' said Kevin Simkins, the leader of Surbititon Council's Lib Dem administration. 'According to our entirely independent survey, we've exceeded our targets for ending racism and all types of social injustice,' he reported.
Simkins said the council will not rest on its laurels, and its next target is to cure cancer and motor neurone disease, with a series of slogans and awareness raising magazines, written in terms that will engage the youth of the borough. There will also be a fashion show, a solemn play written by Suburbiton Warehouse theatre's writer in residence and a guest appearance by TV's Leslie Grantham, who will talk about the danger of deep vein thrombosis to sedentary workers.
'Leslie Grantham doesn't come cheap, but if it saves just one taxi driver's life, it will all have been worth it,' he said.
Simkins came under fire from all sides when he committed twenty million pounds to printing a series of what critics called 'insipid leaflets containing buzzwords and meaningless corporate jargon' in a range of different languages. Others complained that closing down an old people's home, to fund the leaflet campaign, probably shortened many of its residents' lives. 'If I'm being criticised on both sides, I usually take that as a sign that I'm getting the balance right,' said the council leader. He gave short shrift to those who complained that his brother's firm was the only company allowed to bid for the printing work. 'I will treat that with the contempt it deserves," he said.
'We're confident we can cure cancer, and indeed we're already ahead of the target we set ourselves," said Simkins.