Business leaders across the country should be proud of their prodigious output of meaningless twaddle during 2015, according to the CBI.
From snappy soundbites like ‘integrated governance’ and ‘value creation’, to long, cumbersome Company Mission Statements, with lots of awkward nested sub-clauses which make them difficult to read, and use the word ‘and’ a lot, and include words such as leveraging and internationalization, the latter spelt with a ‘z’ as if making it look American somehow gives it more credibility, while saying absolutely nothing at all, it has been a bumper year for many of Britain’s top bullshitters.
‘The creativity level amongst British bosses has never been in question when it comes to waffle and gobbledegook,’ explained CBI spokesman Piers Collingwood-Hancock. ‘But 2015 has seen a huge increase in the productivity of techniques such as alliteration, with several slogans synergising the strategic sustainability of stakeholders.’
The confusing combination of apparently contradictory words has also featured highly this year, with the introduction of focussed capability divergence across multiple company proclamations regarding the targeting of local and global marketplaces. Indeed, the increased manipulation of modular, multi-use phrases has increased effectiveness and efficiency while maintaining adaptability and flexibility throughout the bullshit production process.
However, while celebrating the achievements of 2015, Mr Collingwood-Hancock warned that managers need to recognise the competitiveness of this strategic sector and seek innovative solutions to address the challenges that 2016 wil bring.
‘They must enhance their output while embracing the unique ethos of their employer and the esteemed heritage of the company,’ he said. ‘Otherwise they could face the possibility of widespread examination and re-evaluation of core competencies, followed by supply chain management optimisation and product portfolio rationalisation,’ he added. ‘Or getting laid off, as it used to be known.’
[This is actually an edit of what we've been sent recently at work, with just a slight change of direction]
