Businessman and former Conservative Chairman Grant Shapps spoke yesterday of a ‘a range of get-rich-quick swords that will make you a millionaire by next Tuesday or your money back or part of your money back.’ Mr Shapps went on to demonstrate one of the swords by falling on it symbolically, admitting ‘political failings’.
‘Now is the time for me to leave the political arena, because yes I should have done more to help Conservatives bully each other, the police, the NHS, local authorities, teachers, refugees, job seekers and earnest teenage volunteers. Mr Shapps then wiped some of the fake blood - the result of the dramatic sword-falling - from his shirt. ‘The buck stops here’, he said, pointing to the inside pocket of his jacket. ‘I didn’t help with these bullying issues which is why I must now leave the political stage.’
Mr Shapps then disappeared behind a screen with the words ‘Conservative Future’ written on them. Shortly after, Mr Michael Green introduced himself as ‘Grant Shapps’s identical twin brother he knew nothing about till a tearful reunion this morning.’ Mr Green, who also sported traces of fake blood, thanked his long lost twin Mr Shapps for letting him in ‘on the ground floor’ of the sword business and expressing his intention to take over from Conservative chair Marty Feldman after his inevitable sword-fall, using one of the new Shapps swords, trade mark in tiny letters.
Mr Green continued ‘Unlike some Conservative politicians I know, I have experienced real life in a world where where business is indeed business, where time is money, where men are men, where eggs are eggs and the free market in Romford on Saturdays is king. Like Teresa May, I am a graduate of the school of hard knockers.’ Returning to the swords, Mr Green explained ‘We’re selling not the swords themselves but the valuable online rights to sell on the design of the swords. These rights could be worth millions to the right gullible but wealthy buyer’
Asked by photographers to get his identical twin back on stage so the brothers could pose for a photograph, Mr Green said he would do his best then looked behind the Conservative Future screen and returned to tell journalists Mr Shapps had ‘already gone.’
