In an interview due to be published in a leading sunday newspaper, Royal dandy Prince Edward makes a confession that will stun his family, the theatre world, his long term lover Lance Corporal Allan Stewart Ferguson but most of all his wife, the ridiculously handsome Sophie Rhys-Jones. Talking to Arts Correspondent Sally Belgrano, the flamboyant Royal claimed, “I am and have always been 100% heterosexual.”
The news is bound to have a dramatic effect on the Earl’s marriage. Close friend and one time lover of retired racist Rodney Marsh, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson told our reporter:
“There is no doubt about it, if this news is true it could destroy the Wessex’s marriage. Sophie has always accepted that Eddie was as Camp as Christmas. It was part of the deal. She would never discuss his love of all things male and as an unofficial payment would be allowed to satisfy her immense sexual appetite by sleeping with the 1st Battalion of the Irish Guards. I can’t believe Teddy would put this arrangement in jeopardy by bringing his sexuality into the public domain”
But the Prince’s advisors are insistent that Edward is all man and to prove it have organised a series of photo shoots showing the balding Piscean partaking in traditionally “male” activities.
On Tuesday he was photographed running away from a Child Support Agency in Stoke on Trent, and on Thursday he was pictured drinking his own urine at a Lap dance club in London’s notorious Kings Cross district.
A spokesman for the Prince said, “Yes the Earl is so straight it’s unbelievable. We can barely keep up with his bore-ish macho behaviour”.
When asked if Edward had actually slept with a women the spokesman replied,
“Well no, he hasn’t really done that. He has been so busy doing other ‘laddish’ things such as taking the piss out of minority groups that he hasn’t actually had time to have sex yet. But I’m sure he’ll get round to it soon. He says that he can’t wait to start kissing some girls”.
The Countess of Wessex was unavailable for comment but unofficial reports say that she will threaten divorce if her husband steps back into the closet.
