Plans to revive Hitler have been scuppered after vandals desecrated his final resting place. Much like Dracula and other minions of Darkness, Hitler can be resurrected if the remains of his mortal body are soaked once more in the blood of a fresh kill. However, when members of the North London Fascist Occultists (‘Real Zombies Goose-Step’) raided the secret burial chambers of one of the most reviled men in history, they discovered he had be shorn of his trademark toothbrush moustache.
‘It is an absolute disaster! Everyone knows that a man’s soul is found in the cut of his facial hair. Without his lip-rug he is somehow less evil.’ said Raymond Harris-Goerring. ‘Last time this happened, we hoped to resurrect the greatest evil mind of the twentieth century, but instead we got a rather quiet man with little interest in tyranny and an overriding predilection for Russ Abbot and Tunnock’s Teacakes.'
'It took a month before we could convince him to grow his moustache back, and even then he would only grow a handlebar; we had to search Soho for hours before we finally found him. In the end we had to kill him to be honest. We just figured that the 1980s wasn’t the right time; there was too much love, not enough hate and way too many well-lubed PVC Nazi suits around.’
The problem has left the NLFO kicking its heels in frustration. ‘We just don’t know what to do. We thought the time was ripe for a return to the ‘Good Old Ways’. Tension over immigration is at its highest since the 1960s, the pseudo-fascists have made their way on to ‘Question Time’ and the leading civil servant in the land has as much tact, diplomacy and understanding of foreign affairs as Prince Philip. And he was dangerous enough on his own! We couldn’t have hoped for more.'
'But the risks of him growing a moustache in this climate are possibly too great. In his day, Hitler was surrounded by other equally dangerous moustachioed men, like Stalin, from whom he could draw strength. Now, the most recognisable moustache- adorned men are Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. At best we could hope for a threesome with Vanessa Paradis and Angelina Jolie; nice, but it’s hardly genocide. It’s such a shame Peter Mandleson shaved his off.’