The following took place at my local Waitrose this afternoon. I usually only go there to anally smuggle poultry, but with my daughter's 2nd birthday fast approaching, I realised I better get a birthday cake for her party as I will have armfuls of baby by then and am utterly crap at baking. I hate Waitrose and all that it stands for. And this is why.
Maz: Hello Waitrose minion, may I please see your birthday cake brochure?
Waitrose Minion: Do you mean our entertaining catalogue?
Maz: If it contains birthday cakes, then yes please.
WM: It contains our full range of Wines, Flowers, Gifts and Homeware.
Maz: And cakes?
WM: We have an extensive range of catering items...
Maz: Does that include cakes?
WM: Waitrose can cater for all your party needs.
Maz: Well my party needs a cake. Can I order one here?
WM: Do you have Internet access?
WM: Our full entertainment range is available online.
Maz: Well is it available for people standing in front of you?
WM: You can order in-store. From our catalogue.
Maz: Then please can I have a catalogue?
[Catalogue is handed over with reluctant reverence of biblical scroll. Maz picks the first thing she sees.]
Maz: Lovely. I'll have 24 creepy crawly fairy cakes please.
WM: When is your function?
Maz: 22nd August.
WM: Many of our items require 7 - 14 days notice.
Maz: Jolly good. I'm giving you about 25.
WM: But just so you're aware, if you don't order within 14 days, your items may not be delivered in time for your function.
Maz: I'm now very aware. Please can I order the cakes.
WM: We do have a dedicated entertainment hotline...
Maz: Please, for the love of all things holy, before my waters break, can I just order the cakes now?
WM: I'm sorry, I can't take your order now.
Maz: Why not?
WM: Because cakes need to be ordered in-store no more than 14 days before the function...
[Maz whips out AK47 and shoots every motha fucka in the vicinity, especially the large Land Rover that parked in the sole remaining parent and child space, despite having no visible child in sight]