NewsBiscuit : How I love the human race... (part two)

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How I love the human race... (part two)

(28 posts) (13 voices)

Started 2 years ago by Mary Evans
Latest reply from rickwestwell

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Mary Evans

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The following took place at my local Waitrose this afternoon. I usually only go there to anally smuggle poultry, but with my daughter's 2nd birthday fast approaching, I realised I better get a birthday cake for her party as I will have armfuls of baby by then and am utterly crap at baking. I hate Waitrose and all that it stands for. And this is why.

Maz: Hello Waitrose minion, may I please see your birthday cake brochure?
Waitrose Minion: Do you mean our entertaining catalogue?
Maz: If it contains birthday cakes, then yes please.
WM: It contains our full range of Wines, Flowers, Gifts and Homeware.
Maz: And cakes?
WM: We have an extensive range of catering items...
Maz: Does that include cakes?
WM: Waitrose can cater for all your party needs.
Maz: Well my party needs a cake. Can I order one here?
WM: Do you have Internet access?
Maz: Yes.
WM: Our full entertainment range is available online.
Maz: Well is it available for people standing in front of you?
WM: You can order in-store. From our catalogue.
Maz: Then please can I have a catalogue?

[Catalogue is handed over with reluctant reverence of biblical scroll. Maz picks the first thing she sees.]

Maz: Lovely. I'll have 24 creepy crawly fairy cakes please.
WM: When is your function?
Maz: 22nd August.
WM: Many of our items require 7 - 14 days notice.
Maz: Jolly good. I'm giving you about 25.
WM: But just so you're aware, if you don't order within 14 days, your items may not be delivered in time for your function.
Maz: I'm now very aware. Please can I order the cakes.
WM: We do have a dedicated entertainment hotline...
Maz: Please, for the love of all things holy, before my waters break, can I just order the cakes now?
WM: I'm sorry, I can't take your order now.
Maz: Why not?
WM: Because cakes need to be ordered in-store no more than 14 days before the function...

[Maz whips out AK47 and shoots every motha fucka in the vicinity, especially the large Land Rover that parked in the sole remaining parent and child space, despite having no visible child in sight]

Posted 2 years ago #
Golgo13

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Are you smuggling the poultry into or out of Waitrose?

If the former, could you mention which branch?

Posted 2 years ago #
FormerlyAlOPecia

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I once used up the final order sheet of my order pad at work, and 'phoned stores for a new one. They told me that I had to use an official order sheet. I told them I didn't have one because I needed an order pad. It took three weeks to sort out.

Posted 2 years ago #
andhrimnir

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It's true then that pregnancy affects memory.

It was garlic cloves that you were smuggling anally. Poultry was up front as it were (you have had a scan to verify you are not "with goose"?).

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Now I'm sure it was a whole chicken andhrimnir - Lord knows I should remember...

[For those who were not present at the time, Scroat once posted a comment about Women's Hour enlightening him about the benefits of garlic as a suppository for piles. This ended up with me putting chickens up my bottom. I know not how.]

And Al, that is classic. What a wonderful world we inhabit.

Golgo - best steer clear of any poultry in Surrey-based Waitroses to the west of Guildford just to be on the safe side.

Posted 2 years ago #
FormerlyAlOPecia

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100% Colon-fed chicken.

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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* Jeni B would like to make a supportive comment at the moment, but due to new "No Toadying" legislation, feels that it would be best to remain silent.*

Posted 2 years ago #
Sharpehunter

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Waitrose.. isn't that where The Queen shops?

Posted 2 years ago #
saltire

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Birthday party for a 2yr old ? The minion should have said ; Oh do fuck off.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Now now Salty. Just because they never threw parties at the orphanage for children found abandoned in a cardboard box by the side of a remote loch, doesn't mean my little cherubs should miss out.

And Al, you've just put me right off stuffed chicken for me tea...

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Oh, and Sharpehunter, I may carry myself with an air of regality, but 'Queen' really is too much...

Posted 2 years ago #
sauce

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Harrods is your only answer, Maz, if you can't bear the thought of in-house caterers.*

Dahling, I love Waitrose. Beacuse it's not Morrisons. And my mate Heather works there, so I get the occasional free free range.

Overheard in the car park a few days ago (2 scruffy blokes): How many servants have you got at your house, then?

*I'll do you a lovely cake and reload your AK47 for a very reasonable fee.

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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My nearest Waitrose is in Edinburgh, so it's a bit out of range for the weekly shop.

Around here the closest we get to posh is M&S and Sainsbury's. At the YM's school, woe betide any child who turns up with anything less as their end-of-term-carrying-the-year's-artwork-home bag.

Posted 2 years ago #
rikkor

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Do you have Costco in Old Blighty and environs? If not, demand one soon. Everything from 5-carat diamonds to huge boxes of laundry detergent. All priced to move.

Posted 2 years ago #
Golgo13

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I went to a Costco in Milpitas California. It blew my mind. As you say - a dizzying array of items at rock-bottom prices on 30-foot high shelving. 5kg bags of M&Ms...

Posted 2 years ago #
StoopyDeGunt

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have you noticed that if order anything over the phone, the order taker always says "are you buying something nice?"

It must be part of the obligatory sales script.

One day I'll summon the courage to say "Yes, I'm buying a Wee Jimmy Krankie blow up sex doll"

Posted 2 years ago #
saltire

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Fandabidozy. Keep me posted Stoopy. I got the Mary Evans blow up doll from Lidl...big mistake...they don't do a non talking/non pregnant model. Something to do with the Trades Description Act...

Edit ; No hot air gags please Evans...

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Well Salty, I've been highly satisfied with your personalised range of products with your image on. I'm not sure they've quite got your nose right on the dart board, but the toilet tissue captures your penetrating stare perfectly. In either eye's direction.

Gracious - now there's a thought. NewsBiscuit contributor inspired merchandise... The Neal Doran frosted martini glass... The Jeni B single malt... The Saucey underwear range (it's always the quiet ones)... The Rikkor alarm clock ("don't bother getting out of bed. No-one will miss you..")

Posted 2 years ago #
rickwestwell

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Who's Neal Doran??

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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Exactly Marj. Who IS Neal Doran? He's an enigma wrapped in a riddle. He's the man that women want and men want to be.
Or is that 'he wants to be a woman'? I forget...

Posted 2 years ago #
Zadok the second

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Neal Doran didn't get where he is today, you know.

Posted 2 years ago #
nealdoran

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Boo!

Posted 2 years ago #
Mary Evans

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BAAAAAAAAABS! About bloody time too... How you been?

Posted 2 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

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OMG!!!!! Babs is back!
YAY!!!
We've missed you!!!

(Oops, I appear to have completely blown today's exclamation mark alowance.)

Posted 2 years ago #
nealdoran

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Hello Vince, I'm well thanks, forgotten but not gone -- lured out of hiding by news of chicken smuggling and the mention of martinis.

But wile I'm hree, you know, I'd say I was with Andrimihiririrmir on the technicalities of garlic/poultry smuggling vessels, but I've mentally blocked the details of the long-running debate on the subject, and couldn't afford the therapy letting that particular genie out of whichever is the appropriate orifice would require.

Hope all well with you, and that your local maternity ward hasn't entered public-private partnership with the Waitrose, or else it sounds like it might be tricky to get a good delivery slot.

And with that I'm vanishing back into the ether. Pip-pip!

Posted 2 years ago #
nealdoran

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Ooh, hang on. Also hello Jeni. Hope you're well too, and don't worry about the exclamation thing, I'm sure it's never happened to you before, but it does happen to a lot of people, and really, I see it as a compliment.

Posted 2 years ago #
rikkor

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Nealdoran is a wee, thin-skinned Hibernian sprite who used to write funny things.

Posted 2 years ago #
rickwestwell

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Hooray! Neal's back!

Oh bugger, he's gone again.

Posted 2 years ago #

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