The Government has warned parents to be on their guard after predicting that the number of child abductions will peak during the summer holidays. Whilst such abductions are still poorly understood, it is thought that the restraints of the class room and the experienced use of distraction tactics such as ‘fuzzy felts’ prevent children from becoming organised. However, according to Sarah Teather, Minister of State for Children and Families, ‘the summer holidays provide the perfect opportunity for these seemingly innocent and disparate individuals to galvanise into well-oiled machines of extraction.’
‘This is a common problem all over the world, and we have liaised with our neighbours in Europe to provide the best possible advice,’ said Teresa May, speaking during a defiant visit to Lego Land. ‘We need to be honest about the danger from within our own society. I urge all parents to shut their doors and windows at night, and make sure you tuck you children in very tightly.’
During the first weekend of the holidays, John Asquith, a father of two, was taken from his bed whilst he slept next to his wife and subjected to an horrific ordeal. ‘I was woken suddenly in the middle of the night by the sound of footsteps a bright light shining down into my eyes. At first I thought we were being burgled or possibly being taken by aliens, but when I saw the ‘Bob the Builder’ torch I knew it was them.
Mr. Asquith was ripped from his bed and taken to what he describes as ‘some kind of den, made from a bike, an umbrella and a huge mat with roads and houses drawn on it. I was surrounded by shadows and silhouettes: Four figures who were wearing what looked like giant baby suits and speaking in unintelligible code, and one figure wearing what might have been a padded muscle suit and a cape.’
Over the course of two hours, Mr. Asquith was systematically tortured, as the children took turns in jumping up and down his chest and the ringleader, referred to only as ‘Po’, drove toy cars over his face. ‘It was awful. My wife found me at the bottom of the garden. I must have passed out after they had made me eat an entire tub of flying saucers. To this day I have no idea who they were. I live in fear for my life.’
As yet there is no way of predicting the rate of incidence, but the Government has raised the level of alarm to ‘Giant Strawberry’ after rise in the number of complex daisy chains spotted in urban gardens.