‘Everybody knows that drivers slow down to look at car crashes,’ said Transport Secretary Philip Hammond, ‘which is why we plan to replace every speed camera in Britain with an authentic reconstruction of a road traffic accident.’
Under the scheme the Department for Transport will commission out of work actors to perform full-scale productions of gruesome and bloody car crashes along all of Britain’s most dangerous roads.
‘We want drivers to slow right down for a jolly good gawp,’ said Mr Hammond, ‘so we are making every accident as authentic as possible. We have real cars, real crashes and all topped off with real blood and guts as well.’
The project will provide employment for many actors who lost their jobs following the cancellation of The Bill. ‘These people are so desperate they will do almost anything,’ said Mr Hammond, ‘plus they work out a damn sight cheaper than speed cameras.’
‘I am really looking forward to playing my part,’ said crash test thespian, Marcus Callow, ‘from tomorrow I shall be starring in ‘Corpse on a Hot Tin Roof’, performing twice daily on the A537 Macclesfield to Buxton. It’s a role to die for.’
Fellow actor Hermione Bussell was also thrilled. ‘Every day my crash mangled body is cut from the wreckage of a 24 car pile-up on the A625. The audiences love it. Not only do they slow right down to watch but many of them have started bringing flowers.’
However, critics say the scheme is flawed. ‘Yes, of course people will slow down to look at the accidents,’ said Edmund King, President of the Automobile Association, ‘but once the show is over they will simply speed up again. If the Department for Transport were really serious they would have a car crash for people to look at every 500 yards.’
Mr Hammond dismissed the criticism. ‘We have already piloted this scheme and the results are very encouraging. These actors are really throwing themselves into their roles, and often right through the car windscreens too.’