Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy, 2.5 million light years from the Solar System, have admitted defeat in their attempts to breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of overweight, middle-aged American men who live alone.
'We came in peace,' said programme manager Xeropos, 524, 'but lets face it, we failed. If we can't get Galatea pregnant by beaming up every semi-evolved misfit in Nebraska to have the old conjugals with her over the course of 60 years, it obviously isn't meant to be. I don't think we even convinced you that we were ever there.'
Between 1955 and 2005, a series of Gthargadraxian craft arrived on Earth after multi-million year voyages, having breeding through an average of 77,800 generations en route to produce the hottest females in the galaxy. After focusing heavily on the American Mid-West, they branched out into a more heavily populated area of central Scotland in a bid to earn more recognition. However, this was an even more embarrassing flop.
'Communication was never a problem in the mid-West, because, as your Star Trek correctly shows, US English is the language of the Universe. Plus, our gigantic brains are capable of translating every nuance of every form of communication,' said Xeropos. 'But in Falkirk we still couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.'
As the Gthargadraxian fleet mustered around Saturn, Xeropos reflected: 'With hindsight, maybe landing in the middle of nowhere in America, going up to the first alcoholic inbred we met and asking him to take us to his leader wasn't the best strategy. But then again, most of the time that would have amounted to much the same thing.'
